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LETTERS 



OP 






MAJOR JACI DOWNING, 



OF THE 



DOWNINGVILLE MILITIA. 



" The Constitution is a Dimmycratic machine, and it's got to 
be run as a Dimmycratic machine, or it won't run at all /"— 
Major Jack Downing to Lincoln. 



TIIIRD EDITION. 

NEW YOEK: 
VAN EVRIE, HORTON & CO., 

No. 162 NASSAU STREET, 
PRINTING HOUSE SQUARE. 

1866. 



E"4S"7 
■fc.3 



Entered according to Act of Confess, by Bromley & Co., in 
the year 1864, in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the 
United States for the Southern District of New York 



LOVE JOT & SON, 

ELECTROTYPERS & STEREOTYPERS, 

15 Vande water st., N. Y. 



CONTENTS. 



LETTER I. 
The Major Announces that he " Still Lives" — The Reason why 
he has not Spoken before — Writes to " President Linkin," 
who at once Sends for him — How Lincoln Shakes Hands — 
His Troubles —The Major's Advice— Lincoln to get an " Ap- 
pintment on Gineral McClellan's Staff"— A Story About 
Old Rye, from Mr. Lincoln 15 

LETTER II. 
Deacon Jenkins, of Downingville, Sent for to Cut and Make 
the President's Uniform— 1 Provoking Accident— Mr. Lincoln 
Tells a Story— The Major as a ' ■ Commentater" on the Con- 
stitution — Mrs. Lincoln's Party — "Insine Stebbins, of the 
Downingville Insensible?, Writes a Paradox for the Occa- 
sion" — The Major gets Angry — Lincoln Tells a Story About 
Virginia Mud 23 

LETTER III. 
The Major has an Attack of the .Ague and Fever— Begins to 
get the Hang of Matters at Washington— Mr. Lincoln's Im- 
provement in " Military Nollege"— Studying " Stratygims"* 
for Gen. McClellan— The Major Suggests a Difficulty— Mr. 
Stanton Called on— The Negroes at Port Royal— ' The Nig- 
ger-Tcachin Fever" — Deacon Jenkins' Daughter goes to 
Port Royal to Teach the Negroes 32 

LETTER IV. 
A Delegation Calls upon the President— The Major Indignant 
— Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story — Curious Composition of the 
Republican Party— Difficulty of Keeping it Together— The 



IV CONTENTS. 

PAGE. 

President Hopes to do it by " Sloshin About" — Deacon Jen- 
kins Again — He is a Temperance Man, but Takes a Glass of 
Old Eye 40 

LETTER Y. 
A Blue Time— The Major Wins a Hat of the President— The 
Richmond Expedition of Gen. McClellan — Mr Lincoln's 
Trick on the Major — A Letter from Jerusha Matilda Jen- 
kins — She gives her Experience in Negro-Teaching — Pris- 
cella Huggins and Elder Sniffles — Cloe, the Negro Girl who 
"Could not be Good unle3sshe was Licked" — A Negro Meet- 
ing — Dancing and Singing — The Unpleasant Odor — Ne- 
groes Steal Miss Huggins' Clothes — They Purloin Jerusha's 
Petticoat — It is Thought that their Religion is not "Very 
Deep" — Mr. Lincoln Hears the Letter Read — He Declares 
that Port Royal is a " Cussed Hole" — Deacon Jenkins 
Shocked — He Proves it by the Scriptures 48 

LETTER VI. 
The Question of the "Contrybands"— Lincoln and the Major 
Discuss it — The Major tells a Story — Shows Mr. Lincoln 
That the Government is out of Order — Says it's a " Dimmy- 
cratic Machine," and that Seward and Chase don't know 
How to Run it — They are Like Old Jim Dumbutter and 
the Thrashing Machine— The Major Tells Another Story 
—"The Kernel" Gets a Joke on Seward— Tel Is a St;>ry 
about the " Giascutis." 59 

LETTER VII. 
War " Noose" — The President's Anxiety — Mr. Lincoln Deter- 
mines to Apply "the Principle" — The Story of Zenas Home- 
spun — The Major's Views on Negroes — Poetry— The Eman- 
cipation Ball — The Major going to " Cifer" on the Finances. 67 

LETTER VIII. 
Matters get Confused — The " Kernel and the Major" Com- 



CONTENTS. V 

PAGE. 

pelled to go to Fortress Monroe to Straighten Things Out — 
Mi\ Lincoln takes his Revolver — The Major Sticks to His 
Hickory — Arrival at Fort Monroe — They go on a "Tipper- 
graphical Rekonnisanze" — A Night Alarm — Secretary Stan- 
ton tries to get on the President's Pantaloons *5 

LETTER IX. 
The Major Figures on the "Nashinal Debt" — Horse Contracts 
and "Abolishin Preechers" — Banks Defeated — The Major 
Suggests a New-Fashioned Shield, expressly for Retreats — 
A Wheelbarrow for every Soldier ! — Excitement in Wash- 
ington — The President not Scared " a Hooter." 82 

LETTER X. 

The Major Troubled with his Old Complaint, the '•Rumatics" 
— He Examines the Finances — Mr. Chase Frightened — The 
Major Figures up the Accounts on His Slate — Returns and 
Shows the Result to Mr. Lincoln — He is Astounded — The 
''Kernel and the Major" take some Old Rye — The Major 
Proposes to Return to Downingville to Spend the Fourth of 
July 88 

LETTER XI. 
The Major does not go to Downingville — Loses His Hickory — 
Gets a Bottle of Whiskey by Adams Express Co. — The Major 
declines to Sign the Receipt at First — Whiskey and the Con- 
stitution — "The Constitushinal Teliskope" — A Magical 
Change — Mr. Seward's Trick — The Major discovers it— A 
Negro in It 99 

LETTER XII. 

The Major Disappointed — Meets the President at West Point 
— Sees Gen. Scott — They Talk over Strategy — Returns to 
Philadelphia with the President — Makes a Speech at Jersey 
City — Mr Lincoln also Speaks — Meets Seward at the Astor 
House — A Wheel within a Wheel — Mr. Seward Caught. . . . 108 



VI CONTENTS. 

PAGE. 

LETTER XIII. 

The Major Returns to Washington — Things Get Mixed Up — 
Lincoln and the Panther — Splitting Rails and the Union — 
The Major and the President Visit Gen. McClellan's Army 
— Going up James River — Alarm of the Rebels — Exciting 
Scene on Board the Boat — Nobody hurt — The President 
Reviews the Troops at Harrison's Landing — The Return 
Trip — The President and Party Bathe in the Potomac — 
Almost a Catastrophe — The Major's Life-Preserver — The 
Joral of it — The President Proposes a Conundrum, 116 

LETTER XIV. 

The President has an Attack of Fever and Ague — The Major 
Prescribes Elder-Bark Tea — A Fearful Mistake — The Bark 
Scraped the Wrong Way — Mr. Lincoln has to be Rolled — 
Stanton, Seward and the Major — A Ludicrous Scene — The 
"Kernel" comes to and Begins to Joke — The Moral of tak- 
ing the wrong Medicine — " The Irrepressible Conflict.". . . . 125 

LETTER XV. 
Gen. McClellan's Change of Base — A Bear Story — A Delega- 
tion of Clergymen — The Major's Opinion on Negroes and 
" Edecated Peepel" — How General Jackson Saw Through 
Them — How the War is to End — Mr. Lincoln tells Another 
Story 133 

LETTER XVI. 

The Science of " Military Strategy" — The Major's Opinion 
upon it — A Call from the Secretary of the American and 
Foreign Benevolent Society for Ameliorating the Condition 
of the Colored Race — His Speech — The President's Reply 
— A Curious Prayer — The Major's Opinion on Slavery— The 
Critical Condition of Affairs — Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story. . . 141 

LETTER XVII. 
A Cabinet Meeting — The President Calls for the Opinion of 



CONTENTS. Vll 

PAGE. 

Each Member — Speeches of Seward, Chase, Stanton, Blair, 
Welles, Smith and Bates — The Major Called on for an 
Opinion — The Peperage Log Story — The Major Proposes an 
Armistice — No Conclusion Arrived at 150 

LETTER XVIII. 
The Major not 111— The President has "the Gripes 1 '— The 
Witch-Hazel Medicine — Going to the bottom of a Subject — 
The Democrats and the War — The Emancipation Proclama- 
tion — A Visit to Gen. McClellan's Army — The Soldiers Cool 
—Mr. Lincoln tells a Story—" Sloshing About." 159 

LETTER XIX. 

The President Nervous — The State Elections — Mr. Lincoln 
Astonished — He takes Cordial — Mr. Seward Turns Demo- 
crat — The Major tells a Story — Mr. Seward and the Major 
Take a Drink — How John Van Buren got Gen. Scott's Let- 
ter — Mr. Stanton on the Elections 168 

LETTER XX. 
The New York Election — Mr. Lincoln tells a Story — Cannot 
do Justice to the Subject — Mr. Lincoln Feels Bad — The 
Major Amuses him by a Joke — How to get up a Message — 
Keeping a Party Together — The Excelsior Political Prepared 
Glue — The Different Stripes of Abolitionists — Boating on 
the Mississippi River — Poleing Along 175 

LETTER XXI. 

The Message — A Cabinet Council — Speeches of Seward, 
Chase, Stanton, Welles, Blair and Bates — Mr Lincoln tells 
a Story — The Major gives His Opinion — Mr. Chase Accuses 
Him of Disloyalty — The Major Demands a Retraction — It is 
Given 182 

LETTER XXII. 

The Message Finished— Mr. Sumner says it is not Grammatical 
— The Major's Excuse — Mr. Sumner Finds Fault with the 



viii CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

Major's Spelling — The Major Stumps Him — He Gives His 
Views on *' Edication" — Mr. Lincoln Proposes a Conun- 
drum — The Major tells a Story — Mr. Seward's Opinion on 
the War 191 

LETTER XXIII. 
The Major Goes to See the Postmaster-General about Stopping 
p a p Crs — Mr. Blair Promises to Release Them — The President 
Again in Trouble — A Change in the Cabinet Demanded— 
The Major Suggests a Remedy for " the Crysis." 199 

LETTER XXIV. 

The Emancipation Proclamation — The Way to Get to Rich- 
mond — Splitting the Union — The Major tells a Story about 
Splitting — The President Gets Indignant — Seizes the Boot- 
jack — The Major Pacifies Him — A Dream — The Major Re- 
turns to Downingville 207 

LETTER XXV. 
The Major Feels Sorrowful over the Fate of nis Country — 
The Story of the Black Heifer— The Man who Made a "Siss" 
— The Union — " Insine' Stebbins Again — His Reception at 
Downingville — u The Insensibles " — A Provoking Accident. 214 

LETTER XXVI. 

The Democratic Party Whipped — Tilings as bad as they can 
be — A Story in Point — Mr Lincoln sends for the Major 
again — The Major writes him a Letter — The Return of 
" Kernel" Stebbins, formerly " Insine" — His Reception at 
Downingville — " Kernel " Doolittle's Speech — " Kernel " 
Stebbins' Reply — Elder Sniffles' Preaches a Sermon 221 

LETTER XXVII. 
The Major starts for Washington — Takes his Axe with Him — 
Mr. Lincoln Glad to see Him — The Cabinet in Session — The 
opinion of Seward, Chase, Stanton wd others — The Major 



CONTEXTS. IX 

PAGE. 

called on for an opinion — The Story of Old Sam Odum — Mr. 
Stanton gets Excited 228 

LETTER XXVIII. 

The Major and the " Kernel" at work on the Message — The 
Major visits Mr. Chase again — Sees the Machines for Print- 
ing Greenbacks — A Machine for every General — The Ac- 
counts mixed Up — Mr. Lincoln gets Flighty over them — 
The Major Puts him to bed, and applies a mustard-plaster 
— He Revives, and proposes a Conundrum — The Major also 
proposes one 235 

LETTER XXIX. 

The Trouble about the Message — Chase and Seward Find 
Fault with it — The Story of Old Deacon Grimes' Oven — Mr. 
Lincoln Overrun with Visitors — The Major Suggests a Way 
to Get Rid of Them— The Small Pox dodge— The Message 
Finished — Mr. Lincoln tells a Story 242 

LETTER XXX. 
The Major visits Parson Blair — The Loyal Leaguers of the 
White House — A Wonderful Dream — The Grave of the 
Union — The President Don't Like It — About Leather — How 
the Capital Looks 248 



INTRODUCTION. 



Downingville, July 15, 18G4. 
To the Editors of the Da-Book: 

Surs : I got your letter tellin me that Mister Bromley and Kum- 
pany wanted to print my letters in book form, and as you seem to 
think they understand such kind of work, and are proper persons 
to do it, I ain't got eny perticaler objecshins. It is now jest thirty 
years sence my first Book of Letters was printed by Harper and 
Kumpany, but I hear that they have turned Abolishinists sence 
then, and if that is so, I wouldn't let 'em print a book of mine for 
love nor money. 

After I got your letter, I sot down and writ the Kernel, askin 
his opinion as to printin the Letters in book form, and he wrote 
back to me rite off, saying I must do it without fale. The Kernel 
has got 'em all cut out of the papers and put in a scrap book, but 
it's kinder onhandy, and he wants to get 'em in better shape. I've 
promised him that you would send him a copy jest as soon as it 
was out, and you must not fale to tell Bromley and Kumpany to do 
so. I also writ the Kernel that I thought it would be a good idee 
to issue a Proclamashin, ordering all the people to buy the book, 
espeshilly the Loyal Leegers, the soldiers in the army, all the Tax- 
Collectors, Custom-House Officers, Provo-Marshalls, Postmasters, 
Copperheads, War Dimmecrats, Abolishinists, Black Republikins, 
etc., etc The Kernel sed it was a capital idee, and he told me to 
write it for him. He sed Seward had wrote most all of his Procla- 
mashins, but he would trust me to write this. He sed he looked 
upon my letters as " Pub. Doc," and hence Congrissmen ought to 
frank 'em, and reed 'em, too. He said he didn't mind the little joke3 
in 'em on him, for ef there was anything on arth he could forgive a 



Xll INTRODUCTION. 

man for, it was for makin a joke. He didn't see how eny one 
who knew enuf to make one could help doin it. 

So I have writ a Proclamashin, which you will find at the bot- 
tom of this letter, which you can print with it. I think when Gin- 
neral Banks, and Rosykrans, and all them Ginnerafo who some- 
times stop books and papers, read it, they will understand that it 
will not answer to interfere with my book. 

There is one thing that makes me a little bashful about publishin 
a book. My eddicashin was not very well taken keer of when I 
was a boy, and the consequence is, I ain't quite so smart in gram- 
mer and spellin as sum peepil. But one thing is certain, I allera 
make myself understood, and that, after all, -is the main thing. I 
want Bromley an d Kumpany to fix up the spellin a leetle, and then 
I think the book will pass muster. 

I don't ever expect to live to write anuther book ; in fact, I 
don't want to. I have labored as hard for the good of my kentry 
as any man in it, and yet I've lived to see it all go to rack and 
ruin. I don't raly know whether I shall write anuther letter, for 
a man of my years don't feel like such work. But there is one 
thing I feel sure of. Though the clouds look dark and black now, 
and though I don't expect to live to see everything all rite again, 
yet the Dimmocracy will triumph in the end. There is no blot tin 
that out. It is in the natur of things. Peepel are naterally Dim- 
mocrats, so old Ginneral Jackson used to say, and it takes a good 
deal of hard lying to make 'em enything else. Sometimes the 
liars get the upper-hand for a time, jest as they have now, but it 
can't last always. 

I don't want you to put any preface to my book, for I have 
most always found that prefaces are filled full of falsehoods. I 
jest want my book to go on its merits, if it has eny. I've tried 
to tell the truth about politics, as I understand it, and ef Linkiu 
had only taken my advice, the kentry would now be nigh about as 
good as new. But he wouldn't do it, and so I've left him to get 
out of the scrape he is in the best way lie can. The Kernel, how- 
ever, don't think any the less of me because I've been plane with 



INTRODUCTION. XIU 

him. lie thinks my idees of niggers are allrong, and I think his 
are all rong, and there is jest where we split, for turn this question 
upside down or inside out, and, after all, the nigger is at the bottom 
of it. Jest as a man's idees run on niggers, jest about in that 
style will be his views on the war. Take an out-an-out Abolishin- 
ist, who thinks niggers are a little better than white folks, and he 
is for subjugashin, confiskashin, and exterminashin to the bitter 
end. Ef he thinks niggers are jest as good as white folks, but 
no better, then he is a little milder on the South ; and so on 
down through every grade of a war man, the bitterness agin the 
South runs jest about even with the ignorince about niggers. 
Finally, the man who knows jest what niggers are fit for and 
what they need to make 'em useful and happy, is the strongest op- 
ponent of the war. So you see this proves that the nigger is at 
the bottom of the hull war. 

There are, however, a good many things that make matters 
worse. Greenbacks, offices, &c. are terribul upon corruptin the 
peepul. Almost every other man has an office now-a-days, and 
them that ain't got office are interested in greenbacks. It will 
take a hard pull to get the present party out of power ; but ef 
the Dimmocrats will only be honest and plucky, they can do it. 
I want to live long enuff to vote the Dimmocratic ticket this fall, 

and help do it. 

Yours till deth, 

Majer Jack Downing 



"a. linkin's proclamasiiin concerning majer jack downing's 

BOOK. 

"Washington, July 13, 1864. 

"Whereas, my friend, Majer Jack Downing, of the D wningville 
Milisha, has issued a Book of Letters, containing his views on rub- 
lie Affairs, the War, &c, &c. 

" Now, therefore, I do hereby issue this my Proclamasiiin, enjoyn- 
ing upon every loyal as well as disloyal citisen, includin Loyal Leegers, 



XIV INTRODUCTION. 

Abolishinists, Rcpublikans, War Dimmocrats, Copperheads, Clay 
Banks, Charcoals, &c, to buy this book and to read the same, under 
penalty of the confiscation of all their property, including niggers 
of every decripshin. Furthermore, all officers under me, whether 
civil, military, or otherwise, are hereby ordered, under penalty of 
court marshal, to purchase the sed book and read it. This order 
. applies to all Postmasters and their clerks (who are also ordered 
to assist in the sale of the book), to all Custom-House officials, to 
all Provo-Marshalls, to all Tax Collectors, Assessors, Recruteing 
officers, Runners, Brokers, Bounty Jumpers, and espeshally to all 
Government Swindlers, Contractors, Defaulters, &c, to all Furrin 
Ambassadors, Ministers Penetentiaries, and their Secretaries of Liti- 
gation, also to Ministers of the Gospil, Tract Distributers, Nigger 
Missionaries, male and female, &c, &c. Furthermore, Ginnerals 
Grant, Sherman, and all other Ginnerals, includin Ginneral Banks, 
will see to it that the Majer's letters are widely circulated in their 
armies, as the menny good stories of mine, as well as the Majer's, 
in the book, will keep the sojers in good sperits. 

" Furthermore, if eny disloyal edditer shall presume to say eny- 
thing against this book, or advise eny person not to sell or circu- 
late the same, or aid and abet them in so doing, he shall at once 
be arrested and his paper stopped. 

" Further, if eny person, in order to avoid the penalties men- 
tioned above, shall borrow said book, he shall, if it be proved, be 
fined $1000 in gold. If there be no proof, he shall be sent to Fort 
La Fayette. 

"Finally, every person purchasing a copy of the Majer's Letters 
shall be exempt from the draft. All others are at once to be seized 
and sent to the front. 

" Done in this my city of Washington, in the fourth year of my 
reign. 

" A. LlNKIN." 



LETTERS OF MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 



•++»- 



LETTER I. 



The Major Announces that he " Still Lives' 7 — Tlie Reason why lie 
has not Spoken before — Writes to " President Linkin 77 who at 
once Sends for him — How Lincoln Shakes Hands — His 
Troubles — Tlie Major's Advice — Lincoln to get an " Appint- 
ment on Gineral McClellan's Staff 77 — A Story About 
Old Bye, from Mr. Lincoln. 

Washington, Feb. 4th, 1862. 
To the Editers of the Cawcashin, New York : 

Surs : I 'spose eenamost everybody believed I 
wus ded, 'cause they 'aint seen any letters of mine 
in the papers for a good while. But it taint so. 
I'me alive, and though I can't kick quite as spry 
as I used to, yet I kin ride a hossback about as 
good as I could twenty year ago. I am now 
nigh on eighty years old, and yet, except getting 
tuckered out easier than I used to, I believe I 
1 feel jest about as smart as I did when I was a boy. 
The last letters I writ fer the papers was about 



16 LETTERS OF 

ten years ago, when I went all around the country 
with Kossoot, and showed him the sights. Sence 
then I've been livin 5 in Downingville, county of 
Penobscot, State of Maine, and enjoyin' in 
gineral a good state of helth. But if the public 
haint heard from me it taint because I wasn't 
keepin' a close eye on matters and things. But 
the sartin truth is jest here : I seen, a good while 
ago, how things was shapin'. I told Kossoot that 
the pesky Abolishunests would ruin him, and thay 
did, and I've knowed for a long time that thay 
would run this country off the Dimokratic track 
and smash it all to flinders. Wall, they've done 
it. You may wunder why I haint spoke and told 
the country all this before. Wall, the reason is 
jest here: I saw that the breechin' was broke 
some years ago, and there is no use of talkin or 
hollerin " whoa !" " whoa !" after that. I've seen 
the laziest old hoss that ever lived kick and run 
like all possessed as soon as the shafts tetched his 
heels, and that's jest the condishun we've been in 
in this country for some time. We've been kickin' 
and runnin' and raisin' the old scratch ginerally for 
ten years, all about these darned kinky-heded 
niggers. As there is no use of tryin' to stop a 
runaway hoss after the breechin' brakes until he 
gets to the bottom of the hill, so there is no use 
of talkin' to a country while it is goin' in the same 



major jack downing. 17 

direcshun. Didn't Noah preech to a hull genera- 
shim of aunty-Deluvens, and it warn't any use. 
They lafed him rite in the face ; and cum round 
him and axed what he intended to do with a boat 
full of chicken coops, hoss stables, and so on. 
; And at last, when the rain begun to cum down like 
all possessed, they swore it " warn't much of a 
freshet arter all." Wall, jest so it is with this 
generashuD. I spect themznfy-slaveryites are sum 
relashun to the aunty-Deluvens, and that accounts 
for their simelur behaveyur. 

But I think that we've got most to the bottom 
of the hill now, and it is about time to get things 
rited up in some sort of shape. Havin come to 
this conclushin, about ten days ago I wrote a let- 
ter to President Linkin, tellin him how that Gine- 
ral Jackson's old friend was yet alive, and that 
if he wanted my sarvices or advice I would come 
on to Washington and help him thro'. Wall, I 
got a letter rite back, in which Linkin said he 
" was tickled all into a heap to hear that Gineral 
Jackson's old friend, Major Jack Downing, was 
still alive, and that he wanted me to cum on to 
Washington rite off." So I put off, like shot off 
a shovel, and dident even stop in York a clay, or 
1 should have called to see you. The truth is, 
l'me darned glad I cum. I went rite up to the 
White House, which looks as nateral as when 



18 LETTERS OF 

Gineral Jackson and I lived there, and sent in 
my keerd. In a minnit the sarvent cam back, and 
ses he, "walk up." I went up-stairs, and tnen 
into Linkin's room, and you never seed a feller 
gladder to see a man than he was to see me. He 
got hold of my hand, and ses he, " Major, you are 
a brick. I've thought a thousand times that if I 
only had such a friend as Gineral Jackson had in 
you, that I could git along as easy as snuff. But 
ye see, Major, all these pollyticens are a set of 
tarnel hyppercrits, and I hate 'em." And he 
kept talkin and shakin my hand until I thot hed 
sprain my rist. So I ses, "Mr. Lmkin, I can't 
stand hard squeezin as well as I used to, so don't 
hold on quite so hard." Then he apologized, and 
said " how he was so anxus to see me that he was 
almost crazy." I told him that " I hed cum to 
see him through, jist as I did Gineral Jackson, 
and that I would stick by him as long as their 
was a shirt to his back, if he would only do 
rite." 

"Wall," ses he, "Major, that is jist what I 
want to do. But its awful hard work to tell what 
is rite. Here 1 am pulled first one way and then 
tother." 

Now, ses I, " Linkin, Fine goin to talk rite out 
to you. The fact is, there never was a President 
that had such a party at his back as you've got. You 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 19 

see its made up of old Whigs, Abolitionists and 
free sile Dimmycrats. Now, there ain't any more 
rale mixture to this conglommyrate than there is 
to ile and water. The truth is, I'd as soon take 
Illinoy muck, and Jersey mud, and Massachusetts 
cobble stuns to make a fine coat mortar of, as I 
would to get such materials to put into a pollyti- 
cal party. You can't never make them gee." * 

" Wal," ses he, « Major, I've began to think 
that way myself. The truth is, I've been trying 
all summer to please everybody, and the more I 
try to do it the more I don't succeed. When I 
am conservative, then the aunty-slaveryites come 
down on me like all possessed, with old Harass 
Gveelie at their hed. When I go a little t'other 
way, then the conservatives and my old neighbors, 
the Kentuckians, they come down upon me, and 
that takes me right off the handle. I can't stand 
it. So you see, Major, I'm in hot water all the 
time." 

^ " I see your troubles," ses I, - Mr. Linkin, and 
I'll have to look about some days afore I can get 
the exact hang of things, but as soon as I do, Til 
make matters as clear as a pipe stem." 

" Wal," ses he, - Major, I want you to make 
yourself to hum, and jist call for anything you 
want." 

I told him there warn't but two things (hat, 



20 LETTERS OP 

keered for except victuals, and that was a pipe aud 
tobacco, and jist a little old rye, now and then. 
That gave him the hint, and Linkin rang a bell, 
and a sneakin lookin feller, in putty bad clothes, 
made his appearance. Linkin told him to get some 
: tobacco and the black bottle. The feller soon 
fetched them in, and Linkin said that that " old 
rye " was twenty years old, and jist about the best 
licker he ever drank. He said he found it very 
good to quiet his nerves after a hard day's work. 
1 told him that that was jist what Giueral Jackson 
always said — " Did he?" ses Linkin; " Wal," ses 
he, " I only want to imitate Jackson. That would 
be glory enough for me." 

" Wal, now," ses I, " Linkin, the first thing you 
must do, in order to be poplar, is to be a military 
man. That was the way Jackson got up in the 
world, and if I had never been a Major, I really 
believe I'de never been heerd of out of Downing- 
ville. Now, jist as soon as the people believe you 
are an officer, with epaulettes on, they'll think you 
are the greatest man that ever lived." 

" Wal," ses Linkin, " I think that is a first chop 
idea. How can it be carried out ?" 

" Wal," ses I, " you must get an appintment on 
Gin. McCkllan's staff' ! with the rank of Kernel. 
Nothing short of that will answer at all. Then 
get a splendid uniform and a fine boss, and have 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 21 

the papers describe them, and get up pictures, and 
the shop-keepers will have their windows full of 
lithographs, and in six months you will be the most 
poplar man in the country, and sure to be next 
President." 

When I sed that, he jumped right up, and ses he, 
" Major, you're worth your weight in gold. You 
have hit the nail right on the head. I'll do it ; by 
the Eternal, I'll settle this trouble yet." 

" That's the talk," ses I. *" Just put your foot 
down, and let it stay down, and you may be sure 
it will all come out right." 

Then Linkin sed to me, ses he, " Major, take a 
good swig of this old rye. If you feel sick, have 
got a cold, or looseness in the bowells, or need 
physic, or have got the rheumatiz, or pane in the 
back, or the headache, there's nothen like old rye 
to set you on your pins just as good as new. Why, 
Major, let me tell you a story : — There was a fel- 
ler out West, who got a splinter in his foot. He 
was splittin' rails one day, and the axe glanced off, 
and sent a piece of chestnut timber in his heel 
about as big as an axe-handle. Wal, he tried 
everything on 'arih. Finally, he came to me, and 
I gave him some old rye, and the splinter came 
out in five minutes afterwards." 

" Wal," ses I, " Linkin, " that is a purty good 
story, and old rye is a capital drink, but as for 



22 LETTERS OF 

medicin', giv' me my old stuff, elderberry bark tea. 
It's handy to use. Scrape it downwards, and it 
makes a fust rate fisic, and scrape it upwards it is 
a capital emetic. The only danger is that you 
scrape it round-about-ways, when it stirs up a 
young earthquake in a man's bowclls equal to 
Mount Vesuvius on a bust. Kossoot made a 
mistake of this kind once, and I had to hed him 
up in a flour barrel, and roll him round the room 
afore he cum to." 

When Linkin heard how I rolled Kossoot in a 
flour barrel, he laid back and larfed as hard as he 
could roar, and said he hadn't felt in such good 
spirits since he had been in Washington. 

I telled him he nmsn't get the blews, and that I 
should cheer him up. Then he tuk me by the 
han' and bid me a very feclin' good-night, and the 
feller in bad clothes showed me to my room. I 
slept as sound as a bug in a rug all night, and feel 
good as new this mornin'. 

I shall soon get things straightened out here, I 
hope, and if anything interestin' happens, you may 
hear from me agin. 

Your friend till deth, 

Majee Jack Downing. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 23 



LETTER II. 

Deacon Jenkins, of Downingville, Sent for to Cut and Make the 
Presid ntfs Uniform — A Provoking Accident— Mr. Lincoln 
j/clls a Story — The Major us a " Co?nm eniater" on the Con- 
stitution — Mrs. Lincoln's Party — " Insine Stebbins, of the 
Downingville Insensibles, W ites a Paradox for the Occasion^ 
— The Major gets Angry — Lincoln Tells a Story About Vir- 
ginia Mud. 

Washington, Feb. 15, 18G2. 
To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 

Sues : — Didn't I tell you that, as soon as I got 
here, I would straiten things out ? You never see 
a happier man, now-a-days, than Linkin is. When 
I cum here he was ecnamost reddy to go into a 
hasty consumpshin. He had been lettin things go 
on at loose eencls, with two or three fellers man- 
aging things, and they were eternally pullin' jest 
as many ways. Linkin had been in the habit of 
sayin' that he warnt no military man. I telled 
him he must stop that at onet — that he knowed 
jest as much as eny of 'em. So when I told him 
he must be a Kernel, he at once went in for it. 
Wal, I hev bin jist as busy as a bee in a tar bucket 
gettin' his solger clothes reddy. I sent clear to 
Maine to get Deacon Jenkins, who made all the 
clothes for the Downingville Insensibles, and he 
arrived here last week. It ain't no easy matter 



24 LETTERS OF 

to cut for Linkin's figer, but I knowed the Deacon 
could do it, if eny body on arth could. But Dea- 
con Jenkins, you see, is a small, stumpy man, not 
much longer than he is wide — while Linkin is 
eenamost as tall as a rail, and mity near as slim. 
Wal, I hadn't thought of this ; so when the Deacon 
cum he couldn't measure Linkin round the neck 
for a military stand up coller, eny more than he 
could climb a been pole. Linkin sed he'd git 
down on his nees, or on all fores, if necessary, but 
I wouldn't let him, 'cause it would be wantin' in 
dignity. So I got two cheers, and laid a board 
acrost 'em, and Deacon Jenkins got up on 'em. While 
he was standin' ther, the board broke, and down 
come the Deacon rite on the floor, inakin' the White 
House all shake agin. He turned dredful red in 
the face, but Linkin sed "it warnt asuckemstance 
to a fall he onct had out of a chestnut tree. He 
sed, when he was a boy he used to go out, and jest 
for a breakfast spell split a load of rails. One 
mornin' he dumb a tree to get some young crows 
out of a nest, and the lim broke and down he cum 
full thirty feet. Sum people thought he was ded, 
but he allers believed it was the resin he was so 
tall, for he started groin rite oif after that, and 
didn't stop till he was six feet five inches !" 

By the time Linkin got tru tellin' his story, the 
Deacon hed got up on the cheers agin and tuk the 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 25 

measure. Then he hed the clothes made, and in 
three days they cum hum all rite. Wal, I wish 
the hull country could see the Kernel (I call him 
Kernel all the time now) in his new clothes. He 
looks like a new man, and, what is more, he acts 
like a new one. 

The other day I telled him he must giv the or- 
ders to the new Seckretary of War, but he kinder 
held back, and sed he didn't like tu take too much 
on his shoulders at onct. Besides, he didn't feel 
it was right for a Kernel tu dictate in that way. 
Then I telled him that the place was only a com- 
plimentery one, but that he was raley a Ginneral 
and a Commydore all in one. Wal, he sed " he 
couldn't see intu that." Than I telled him how 
that the Constetushinsed that he was "Commander- 
in-Cheef of the Army and Navy," and that that 
made him a Ginneral and a Commydore. Wen I 
sed that, he jumped out of his cheer and ses he, 
" Majer, you are jest about the keenest commenta- 
ter on the Constetushin I ever heerd talk. Why, 
Majer, cf I had only thought of that, I would hev 
put it into my Inaugerole. Wouldn't it hev made 
a sensashin ?" 

Wal, ever since the Kernel has tuk the ribbins 

into his hands, he has been puttin' things rite thru, 

and victeries hev cum along jest as fast as possi- 

bul. Linkin is a terribul feller to work wen he 

2 



26 LETTERS OF 

he has a mind to. He run Secketary Stantin into 
a fit of the vertegris the very furst week he went 
into the harniss, and as for the other members of 
the Cabbynet, there ain't one that kin hold a kan- 
dil to him. 

Ther's bin a terribul time about the financies 
since I hev bin here ; but the victeries in Kentuc- 
kee and Rowingoak hev made a good many long 
faces look as good-natured as ef the Union was all 
rite agin. I telled Ginneral Wilsin, from Massa- 
chew-sits, the other day, that he orter vote a gold 
meddle to the President in honer of the good 
noose, but Somnure wanted to insart the Wilmut 
Proviso in the bill, and so I wouldn't hev nothin 
to du with it. I don' expec' that, after all, they'll 
be willin' to giv'Linkin the credit he dcsarvcs, for 
thcr' ain't a man here, from a Senatur in Congriss 
down to a sargant of the hoss mareens, who don't 
expec' tu be next President. 

Wall, I hev run on so about politicks and so 
forth, that I eenamost forgot to tell you about 
Mrs. Linkin's party. IVe seen a good many big 
things in that way sence I was a boy, but this was 
a lectle ahead of all. The sojers, and the wim- 
men, and the cabbynet, and the forren Ministers 
Pennitenshery, with their Seckateries of Litcga- 
shin, were all ther. The tables w r crc all kivered 
over with sugar frost, eenamost as white as a 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 27 

Maine snow bank, and Mrs. Linkin hiked like a 
young gal jest out of schule. The way she did in- 
tertane the kumpany was a caushin to peepul who 
don't know the ropes. Insine Stebbins, of the 
Downingville Insensibles, was ther, and ef ther is 
a smart feller in the army, the Insine is one. He 
kin rite poetry almost equil to Longfeller, and as 
for singin', the Italian band-ditty can't begin with 
him. Wen the kumpany were sot down to the 
table, Deacon Jenkins was kalled on to say grace, 
and wen they got thru, the hull kumpany kalled on 
Insine Stebbins to sing a paradox which he had 
kumposed specially for the occashin, as follers : 

From Varmount's icy mountins, 

From licker hatin' Maine, 
Where streems of goldin wisky 

Go strate agin the grane; 
From menny a country cawkis, 

From menny a country shop, 
We cum to greet thee, Linkin, 

At this here Linkin hop ! 

Wot tho' the Nor 1 - West breezes 

Blow sum o'er Georgetown hill, 
And likewise also freezes 

The troops at Turner's Mill ? 
Wat tho' the army hosses 

Die off for want of food ? 
We'll drink Old Ryu with Abram, 

Because Old Bye is good. 



28 LETTERS OP 

Wot tho' the Yankee nashin 

Pores out the warlike flud, 
And sogers of all stashin 

Are stashined in the mud ? 
Wot tho' the sly contracters 

Defraud us rite and left, 
And Uncle Sam's old stockin' 

Of all his cash is reft ? 

Wot tho' the taxis plague us, 

And heeps of corn must spile, 
Wile poor folks three times over 

Their coffee-grounds must bile ? 
Does not grate Dr. Cheever, 

(And shall he speke in vain ?) 
Command us to delivur 

The land from slavery's ehane? 

Shall we whose harts are litened 

With Rye, and cake and wine, 
Shall we to Cuff and Dinah 

Give nought but crust and rine ? 
Abolition ! Abolition ! >• 

The joyful sound proclaine, 
Till each remotest nigger 

Has learned the Linkin name! 

" Allien ! seel-er !" yelled out Deacon Jenkins, 
at the very tip-top of his voice, wile nigh about 
the hull kumpany seemed to be hily tickled, except 
Linkin and his wife and me. I was so mad that I 
eenamost bust my biler. I went rite strate up to 
the Insine, and ses I, " Insine Stebbins, I knowed 
you and Deacon Jenkins was both red-hot Aboli- 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 29 

shunests, but I tho't all the folks in Downingville 
had kommun sence, and wood know better than 
to interduce pollyticks on a festiv occashin, spe- 
cially anything faverabul to Cheever and Gree-lie 
and kumpany, who are the hull time abusin' Lin- 
kin and Mrs. Linkin." Then the Insine said that 
Sumnure had helped him rite the paradox, jest on 
purpose to see how Linkin woo J like it. "Wal," 
I told him, " that that was jest as much sence as 
well as manners as I shud expect from Sumnure." 
Then Deacon Jenkins cum up and sed sumthing, 
and I lit on him for hollerin' " Amen" rite afore 
the hull diplomatick core, jest as ef he'd been at a 
prayer meetin' in the Downingville schule house. 
Mrs. Linkin was very much pleased at the way I 
laid down the law to the Deacon. The Kernel 
didn't say much, but looked daggers out of his 
ize, and seemed nigh about as cross as a cross-cut 
saw all the rest of the evenin'. The bawl, how- 
sumever, went off in all other respecs in furst rate 
stile, and Mrs. Linkin is now regarded as the very 
a-leet of fashin. 

There's not much else that's new this week. 
The roads have been in an impassabul condishin 
for some time, and unless some feller kin invent a 
patent rite for settin' them up edge ways to drene, 
I don't believe they'll be scasely settled before 
the summer solstis. I tolled Linkin I never seed 



30 LETTERS OF 

such mud iu my born days. " Wal," ses he, " let 
me tell you a story about mud. Virginny can't 
hold a kandel to Illinoy in that respect. One 
time a man was travellin' 'long the road jest a little 
nor-east of Springfield, wen he found a hat layin' 
in the mud, rite in the middel of the road. He 
stepped out keerful to get it, and he was all 
struck up a heep to find a man's hed under it, 
and he in the mud clean up to his very chin. 
; Darn my pectur, nabor, if you ain't in a fix. 
Cum, let me git hold of you, and I'll help pull you 
out.' * No ! No !' sed the feller in the mud, spittin' 
out the dirty water ; ' No! No ! I don't want your 
help — much ableeged to you — for I've got a good 
hoss under me, and he'll fetch me out as sure as 
preachin !"' 

" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I shan't try to match 
that story to-day." The truth is, that I didn't 
feel like it. I've bin kinder under the wether 
since the bawl. Washington is a terrible place 
for nager and fever, and all kinds of billyus kem- 
plantes. One of the President's leetle shavers 
has bin dangrus sick for sum daze, but I hope 
he'll rekiver. 

I got yuere letter tellin' me that sum of yuere 
subscriburs wanted me to rite a letter every week 
for yuere paper. Wal, I will, if I kin, but I 
can't promis sartin. You see an old man nigh on 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 31 

eighty years old don't feel jest limber enuf to rite 
at any and all times, but wenever I hevn't got the 
lumbager or rumatiz, and my ideas ain't froze up, 
you'll hcer from me, once in two weeks, and per- 
haps oftener, wen the weather gets more stedy. 
Your friend, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



32 LETTERS OF 



LETTER III. 

1 he Major has an Attack of the Ague and Fever — Begins to get I 
the Hang of Ma'ters at Washington — Mr. Lincoln's Improve- ■ 
inent in " Military Nollege" — Studying " Stratygims" for 
Gen. McClellan — The Major Suggests a Difficulty — Mr. Stan- 
ton Called on — The Negroes at Port Royal — *' The Nigger 
Teachin Fever' 1 '' — Deacon Jenkins 1 Daughter aoes to Port 
Royal to Teach the Negroes. 

Washington, March 1st, 1862. 
To the Editurs of the Caivcushin : 

I've had a terribul fit of the ager sence I writ 
yu last, and one time I thought it was about " nip 
and go tuck " wether the ager or natur wucl whip, 
but I've got a strong constetushin and it cum out 
best, as it allers has so far in life. Linkin, too, 
has been kinder under the wether. The loss of 
his little boy affected him terribully. Ef it hadn't 
ben for the good noose and the Union victories I 
don't know how we could have got along. But 
we are all gettin' better very fast now, and things 
begin to look brighter. 

I begin to get the hang of matters here now, 
and the way Linkin and Stantin and me will set- 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 33 

tie affairs before long will be a cawshin. Stantin 
is a steem injinc in breeches. The grate trubbul 
Linkiu now has is the Abolishinests. They are 
tryin' to drive him to free all the niggers down 
South, and all the preechers, moril reformers and 
lecterers are constantly writin' letters here pray~ 
in' Linkin to go rite on and turn the niggers all 
loose. Sometimes we get as many as three bush- 
els of letters in one mornin', from the strong- 
minded wimmin and week-minded men in the 
North, who don't know anv more about niirerers 
than they do about the man in the moon. Linkin 
don't pretend to read 'em or even take a look at 
'em. He told me one day that I might look 'em 
over, and see ef thar wus enny sence in enny of 
'em, but I couldn't find enny thing but texts of 
Scriptur, and sams and hims and extracts from 
Greece's paper and Cheevur's sarmons. Wen I 
told Linkin that he sed he didn't want to know 
enny more about 'em, for he had had about enuff 
of such pesky fanaticks. I kin jist toll them fel- 
lers that are writin' here such long letters, that it 
aint any use. 

But the grate subject that has occupied the at- 
tenshin of all of us for two weeks past, has ben ! 
the grand forrard movement. Linkin improves 
mitey fast in military nollige, and is eenamost 
reddy to graduate from a Kernel into a Ginncral. 
2* 



34 LETTERS OF 

Wal, as I was sayin', we've been as bizzy as bees 
in gitiin things redely for a start. EfStantin and 
Ginneral McClelliii, and the Kernal and me 
didn't work hard at stratygims, then thar aint 
any such word in the dickshinncry. We had 
charts, and maps, and diaphragms, and kumpasses 
to measure the distances with, and all sorts of 
queer looking instruments that I can't remember 
the name of. But Ginneral McClelliii knew all 
about 'em, I tell you. He could tell how fur it 
wus from one place to tother on the map, jest as 
easy as if he'd been over the ground and meas- 
ured it with a ten foot pole. Wal, wen he'd tell 
the distense frcm one place to tother, the Kernel 
would put it down on a piece of paper so as to see 
jest how fur the grand army would have to travil 
afore they got to Richmond. Wal, bime by Lin- 
kin had got a string of figers which kivered a 
hull page of writin paper, and then he undertook 
to ad 'em up. It warn't long, however, before he 
got things so mixed up that he couldn't tell hed 
from tale. Finally he turned to mo and ses he, 
" Majer, can't you help me out of this scrape ?" I 
told him I would ef he would only send for a slate, 
but that I couldn't figer on paper, that I larned to 
sifer on a slate, and that it allers cum terribel on- 
handy for me to figer in enny uther stile. So he 
called that feller in purty bad clothes, and told 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 35 

him to get a slate. Wen it cum I went to work, 
and tlio' my hand aint bcm in the business much 
sense I sifered up the ackounts for Ginneral Jack- 
son in Squire Biddle's bank, yet I soon stratened 
matters out, and Linkin was dredful tickelcd at 
it. He sed " Apostle Paul couldn't beet it him- 
self." I forgot to tell you that the Kernel calls 
Ginneral McCiellin his Apostle Paul, so you 
needn't believe enny of the stories in the Aboli- 
shin papers about the Kernel and Ginneral 
McCiellin being at logger-heds. Even General 
Jackson and Mr. Van Buren were never better 
friends than Linkin and McCiellin. Wal, to 
make a long story short, we got every thing all 
settled, tho' it took the last night till eenamost 
mornin before we got thru. I had bent over the 
tabil so long, lookin at the diaphragms, that I had 
a stitch iii my back, and Linkin was bent eenamost 
dubil. 

After it was all over with and every thing had 
been decided on, ses Linkin, seshe, " Majer, don't 
you think that that is a capytal stratygim V Ses 
I, ;i Yes, Kernel, that is jest about as nigh rite as 
you kin get it ; but, ses I, " there's one thing you ain't 
provided for." Ses he, « what's that ?" " Wal," 
ses I, " for a fire in the rear !" " Wal," ses Lin- 
kin, " now the Major is gettin off a joke on us, for 



36 LETTERS OF 

thar ain't no chance for a fire in the rear, except 
it comes from John Bull, and ain't Seward spiked 
his guns ?" " Now," ses I, " Kernel, you ain't as 
old as I am ; ef you was you would see jest what I 
mean." Ses I, " don't you know that the Abole- 
shin papers hate Ginneral McClellan as bad as 
they do Jeff Davis, and jest as soon as the grand 
army begins to move they'll expose all his plans, 
and the rebils will have em all in Richmund in 
time to defeat em ?" " Wal, that is a fact," ses 
Linkin, " I never thought of that ; but they will as 
sure as preachen do jest what the Majer ses ; but 
what kin we do ?" " Wal," ses I, « I'll tell you 
what to do. Jest let Secketary Stantin issu an 
order stopping all war news, and put every Abo- 
leshin editer that dares to disobey it into Fort La 
Fayette. Giv em a dose of their own fisic, and 
see how they'll like it." 

When Linkin heard that he jumped rite up, and 
ses he, " that is jest the checker. These Abolesh- 
inests have bin as much trubble to me as the se- 
cesh, and I don't know but a leetle more. I spect 
I'll have to hang a iew on em yet before I can git 
a settled peece." 

Then Linkin asked Secketary Stantin what he 
thought of my idee, and he sed it was jest what 
was needed, and so Linkin told him to draw up 
the order and put it thru strong. Wal, so you 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 37 

see how the " Youkase," as sum of our York edi- 
tors call it, cum to be issued. I sec sum of em 
growled and snarled over it like mad dogs, but it 
warn't no use. They know now how it feels to be 
put under the thum screws. So ef you can git the 
news, jest keep quiet a leetle while and you'll hear 
music. 

There aiir t much else that's new here jest now. 
But tother day there was a feller cum on here 
from York to see Linkin about what should be 
done for the niggers at Port Royal. He asked 
Linkiu what could be done ? " Wal," ses Linkin, 
" I spose you've heerd the story about a feller who 
won an elephant at a raffle, and after he got him 
didn't know what to do with him ? Wal, so it is 
with the niggers we've got. There they are, but 
ef any live man kin tell what to do with em, I'de 
like to hear him.. They eat more than the sojers, 
are lazy, and cost more than they cum to, jest like 
the old Injin's dog." 

Then this feller, who seemed to be a spirital 
chap, something like a dominy, put on a long face, 
and sed how " these culered peepal were our 
bretheren in the Lord, and that they had been 
brought up as hethens, hed never been taught 
: reedin, or ritiu, or rithmetic, but ground down to 
i the arth with chains and slavery. He said he 
felt deeply for 'em, and that his coushence wouldn't 



38 LETTERS OF 

let him rest day nor nite, but he was willin' tu de- 
vote his dazs tu preachin' the Gospel tu 'em, &c, 
&c.j but the cute feller wound up by axing Linkin 
wether he wouldn't reckermend Congress tu appro- 
prate sum money for the good of these poor cre- 
turs. Wen he sed that I seen rite thru' him, and 
I give Linkin the wink. So he put him off by say- 
in' he would think it over. Wen he went away I 
told Linkin jest what I thought of him. How 
that he was one of that kind of salm siimn' Yan- 
kees who ,/as allers lookin' out for sum way tu git 
a livin' without workin.' 

It is astonishin' tho' how this nigger teachin' 
fever is goin\ It has broke out even here in 
Washin'ton. Deacon Jenkins' darter, Jerushy 
Matilda, who cum on with her par, when he was 
sent for tu make Linkin's sojer clothes, cum across 
that feller, an he talked her intu goin' down to 
Port Royal tu tech nigger schules. Now, Jerushy 
is a smart gal ; her mother an my wife were second 
cuzzins. She kin rite poetry purty good for a gal 
of her age, for she ain't more than twenty-two, 
but she's got all the nigger nonsense in her hed, 
and I can't no more drive it out than I kin fly, 
Somehow Abolishin gits hold of the feelins of tho 
wimmiu folks, an it cums from their not knowiu' 
what the nigger realy is ; so 1 telled Jerushy tu 
go, an ef she didn't get sick of tryin' to make nig- 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 30 

gcrs do an act, and larn, an sifer, an read, like 
white folks, then I would pay all her expenses, an 
turn nigger misheenery myself. But she sed I was 
an old fogy. It appears that solem feller told her 
that the niggers hed been whipped by their mas- 
ters every mornin' before breakfast, with a cat-a'- 
nine-tailes, an that all they had tu eat was corn- 
stalks and cotton seeds ! This tuck hold of Jeru- 
shy's feelins amazinly, an she packed up her best 
clothes, an went off with him. She promised tu 
rite me how she got along, an what she thinks of 
things down there. Ef ther's eny thing interestin' 
in the letter, I'll send it tu you tu print. 

Your friend, 
Majer Jack Downing. 



40 LETTERS OP 



LETTER IV. 

A Delegation calls Upon the President — The Major Indignant — 
Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story — Curious Compositio-i of the Re- 
publican Party — Difficulty of Keeping it Together — The 
President Hopes to do it by " Sloshin About"" 1 — Deacon Jen- 
kins Again — He is a Temperance 3fan, but Takes a Glass of 
Old Rye. 

Washington, March 18th, 1862. 
To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 

Surs : — We've all ben at sixes and sevens here 
since I writ you last. The rebils have knocked all 
our stratygims into a kocked hat. The fact was, 
we had the plan fixed to catch 'em jest as easy as 
you can kill a rabbit under a ded fall, but they 
wouldn't stay to be catched. Linkin ses " they 
are like to Paddy's flee, when you git where they 
are they ain't ther." It is ginerally believed 
here that some of the Somnure click who hate G-in- 
neral McClellan so much, ralely informed the in- 
emy of our movements, and that that give 'em 
time to pack up their trumpery and git out of the 
trap. You see Somnure, Gree/ie & Co. are afeerd 
that McClellen will be the next President, and 
they are doin all they kin to brake him down. The 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 41 

other day a hull boodle of these Abolishinists come 
iu a bodcly to the President to demand "justis to 
Freemount." I was standin jest back of Linkin 
up in the office room, when old Moril, of my 
State, and Luvjoy, and Somnure, and Hale, and 
Julian, and Ashley, and a hull lot more of the same 
stripe, cum in. They sed " they cum as a com- 
mitty from a cawkis of the party to demand, as an 
act of justis, that Freemount should be appointed 
to sum kommand." Wen I heered 'em say that 
they demanded it, I felt my blud bileing away 
down to my bootes ; in fac, it seemed as ef my 
bootes was full of bileing water. They sed they 
represented the Republican party, and that the 
party demanded it, that the peopul demanded it, 
and that the noosepapers demanded it, and that ef 
he didn't do it, they would consider that he in- 
tended to forsake his party, and go over to the 
Dimmycrats. All the wile I felt as ef I'd giv a 
thousan dollars for one hour of Old Hickery. How 
he void d hev made the fur fly ef any body had un- 
dertuk to dictate to him in that way. But Linkin 
didn't say nothing until alter they got all thro, 
then he rez up kinder limpsey. and ses he, " Gen- 
tlemen, I will considder this ere matter over, and 
sec what 1 kin do. 1 reckon 1 kin kinder fix 
things out to suit you." Then they went off. 
Alter they were gone Linkin turned to mo and 



42 LETTERS OF 

ses he, " Majer, what do you think of that ?" 
" Wal," scs I. " Kernel, I tell you jest what I was 
thinkin while that insultin feller was talkin. I 
was wishin that Ginneral Jackson was alive and 
President for about twenty-four hours. Why, ef 
that feller had talked to him in that way, he 
would have seized his hickory and kaned him out 
of the room." Ses I, " Kernel, you are too good- 
natured. These pesky pollyticians will driv you 
to perdishin, and the country, too, ef you ain't 
kerful." 

" Wal," ses Linkin, " what am I to do ? There 
ain't no doubt that my party are all aunty-slavery, 
and a good menny of 'em out and out immediate 
Abolishinists. They are a pullin me like ail pos- 
sessed. They've got hold of my feet, my toes, my 
cote tale, my trowsers, and pullin away as ef they 
ment to rip every rag of clothin oil' me, and I 
don't feel sure but they'll pull my legs off my bod- 
dy. lam ho.ldin on as hard as I kin, but I feel as 
ef my hold was slippin. Now, what on arth am 
I to do ?" 

" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, there's nothin like got- 
ten a fresh hold wen you feel that you are slippin. 
So jest spit on your hands, as the sailyers do, and 
take a new hold." 

"Now, Majer," says Linkin, "that reminds 
me of a story. Some Irishmen were once diggin 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 43 

a well, and by sum means the rope on the wind- 
less broke, and the Irucket went down to the bot- 
tom. How to get it was the questshin. After 
planum and thiukin for some time, Paddy O'Brien, 
who was the boss, he ses to Teddy O'Flanagao, 
ses he, i I will take hold of the windless with my 
hands, and Teddy, you take hold of my legs, and 
let Patrick take hold of Teddy's legs, and so on, 
until we can git down to the bucket and rache it 
up.' • So they all went at it, but it warnt long be- 
fore Paddy found that the heft was too grate for 
him, an he felt that his hold on the windless was 
slippin. So he sung out tu Teddy, who was below 
him, ses he, 'Teddy, me.boy, hould last there till 
I spit on me hands,' an as he let go tu spit on his 
hands, down the hull party went tu the bottom of 
the well. Now," ses Linkin, ses he, " that would 
be jest the way with me. Ef I let go to spit on 
me hands, down my hull party will go, and no one 
will ever see it agin." 

Wal, ses I, " Kernel, ef you do go down in that 
way you will be on top/" "That's a fact," ses 
Linkin. " I didn't- think of that, but then, who 
would want tu be on the top of such a party ! 
You see, ef the party had any timber in it that 
you could use tu make another out of, there would 
bo sum prospec ahed. But ye sec thar aint. Tli. 



41 LETTERS OF 

stuff is cross-grained and knotty, and a good deal 
of it mity rotten. Ef I could split it about half 
in two, so as tu weld one piece on tu the Dcmmy- 
cratic party, I would do that. But you can't split 
it any more than you kin a pepperage log. I know 
sumthin about splittin, and ef any man could do it 
I could. No, Major, ef my party goes tu pieces 
at all, it will brake up intu a thousand splinters, 
jest like a chesnut tree wen it is struck by light- 
nin." 

Wal, ses I, "Kernel, are you goin to give Free- 
mount a kommand?" Wal, ses he, " I*'spose I'll 
hev tu do sumthin for him. I'll give him some 
place where he can't do any harm ; cf I don't, 
these fellers will stop the wheels of government, 
an I can't run it any longer." Wal, ses I, " Ker- 
nal, ef they stop the wheels of the government 
then I'de run it on the axletrees afore I'de giv in 
tu these pesky critters. You kinder giv in tu em 
on your emancipashin proclamashin, and cf yu 
keep on your gone, and the government is gone 
tu. You can't restore the Union in that way 
enny more than you can build a stone wall out of 
clam shells. Besides, you'll break off your Ken- 
tuckee frends. 

" Wal, yes, that's so," ses Linkin, " but don't 
you see, Majer, I've got to break off with sum- 



MAJOR .JACK DOWNING. 45 

body f Ef I do as the Kefituckians want me tu, 
then I shall break with my party, and ef I don't, 
then I shall have to break off with them. Now 
which shall it be? That's the question. Now, 
thai* ain't Dimmycrats enuff in Congress tu be of 
enny sarvice to me, and the few that are thar are 
most of em like the last run of shad, very poor 
and very mean. Thar aint more than three or 
four that dare say their souls are their own, and 
I can't git along with such a party as that. I 
hope I'll git thru by sloshin first one way and 
then tothcr, without havin a rumpus with enny of 
em, but ef I don't, « sufficient to the day is the 
evil of it,' as the Scriptur ses." 

1 aint had a letter from Jerushy Matilda, the 
darter of Deacon Jenkins, sense she went off to 
Port Royil with that solein feller. Her par, 
Deacon Jenkins, who made Linkin's sojer clothes, 
is still here. He is a very pious man, the Deacon 
is, and he thinks Jerusha is goiu to do a heep of 
good to the niggers in turning mishinary. He 
thinks the nio-o-ers are all brought up as hethens, 

GO O 1 ' 

and never heerd the name of God. I telied him 
" I guessed ef they went around much whar the 
Maine sojers were, that they would here his name 
pretty often, for they kin outsware any set of men 
I ever heerd talk." Wen the Deacon heerd how 



46 LETTERS OF 

that Mannassah was taken, he cum rite up to the 
White House and congratulated Linkin on his 
success. Linkin felt kinder tickled at first about 
it, but wen I telled him how it war en t much of a 
victory to let a hull army slip thru our fingers, 
Linkin seemed to think so, too. But Deacon Jen- 
kins, he sed he could prove it frum Scriptur, and 
so he got a big Bibil and red the 61st Sam, which 
is all about Manassah and Gil-ed and Mo-abe and 
washpots, and so on. I telled him I could'nt see 
no simurlarity in it, but he stuck to it that it tiper- 
fied the retreat of the rebils. Linkin red it over 
two or three times, and sed it red for all the 
world like one of Seward's non-committal letters. 
First he thought it did, and then he thought it 
didn't, and finally he giv it up in dispare. I 
telled 'em them they might try to draw conser- 
lashin from the Bibil, but I felt down about the 
matter, and didn't know as I could sleep. Linkin 
sed he felt bad, too, but the Deacon declared he 
felt first rate. I telled Linkin I must have sum 
Old Rye afore I could go to bed, and he sed his 
nerves were very oneasy too. So the feller in 
bad clothes fetched in the black bottle, and we 
tuk a good swig. I telled the Deacon that he 
needn't take enny, as he felt so good, but 
he would have sum. The Deacon pretends to 
be a grate temperance man wen he is hum, 



MAJOR JACK -DOWNING. 47 

but 1 find ho likes a glass of wisky now and 
then, espeshily if he thinks the Downingville 
folks won'.t heer of it. I hope I shall heer frum 
Jerusha by the time I rite to you agin. 
Your frend, 

Majer Jack Downiug. 



48 LETTERS OF 



LETTER V . 

A Blue Time- The Major Wins a lint of the President—The 
Richmond Expedition of Gen. McClellan — Mr. Lincoln's 
Trick on the Major — A Letter From Jcrusha Matilda Jen- 
kins — She Gives Her Experience in Negro Teaching — Pris~ 
cella Huggins and Elder Sniffles — Cloe, the Negro Girl wlio 
" Could not be Good unless she ivas Licked?'' — A Negro Meet- 
ing — Dancing and Singing — The Unpleasant Odor — Negroes 
Stenl Miss Huggins" 1 Clothes — They Purloin Jerusha's Petti- 
coat — It is Thought that their Religion is not " Very Deep" — - 
Mr. Lincoln Hears the Letter Read — He Declares that Port 
Royal is a " Cussed Hole" 1 — Deacon Jenkins Shocked — he 
Proves it by the Scriptures. 

Washington, April 1st, 1862. 
To the Editors of the Cawcashin : 

Surs : — I've ben awftflly clown in the mouth 
sence I writ you last. Things don't move nigh as- 
fast as we all expected they would a spell ago ; 
but I can't tell you the resin, for it wouldn't do 
to rite noose, for the rebils would get it. Lin- 
kin has ben feelin amazin bad ; one clay, wen we 
both had the dumps, Seward cum in, and ses he, 
" chefer up ; its all goiu to be over in thirty days." 
Linkin ses Seward reminds him of fellers he's seen 
out West who had the ager and fever. One day thoy 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 40 

think they are well, and the next they are shakin 
agin like ail possessed. Wal, Linkin ralely did 
think that MeClellan would be in Richmond by 

the 1st of April, even MeClellan thought so. I 
tolled Linkin he wouldn't, and bet him a bran 
new hat on it. So to-day I won it, but will yon 
believe it, Linkin got a bet on me. He's a dred- 
ful cute critter in his way. Ses he to me, kinder 
funnin me 1 thought, ses he, " Majer, will you 
make a bet with me ?" Ses I, " Yes, Kernel, I've 
jest won a bet of you, and taint more than fair 
to let you have a chanst now." "Wal," ses he, 
"I'll bet you a hat that I kin sneeze jest wen 
I've a mind to." Ses I, " Kernel, I don't believe 
it, and so I'll bet you. Now," ses I, "let's see 
you sneeze." "Wal," ses he, "I aiut a mind to 
now. So," ses he, " hand over that new hat." 
Ses he, " Majer, you aint quite as .-mart as you 
thought you was." Ses I, " Kernel, now jest hold 
on about the forty-leventh part of a minit. You 
bet me a new hat, but I only bet you a hat, so," ses 
I, " you kin take theold one /" " Wal," ses Linkin, 
" Majer, you are jest the keenest Yankee I ever. 
heerd tell on. You allers contrive to git ahcd of 
me after all." 

The other day I got a letter from Jerushy Ma- 
tilda, Deacon Jenkins' darter, and Linkin was 
eenamost crazy to see how Chase's missionaries 
3 



50 LETTERS OF 

cum on. So I sot down, Deacon Jenkins was thar 
too, and read it all to Lin kin, and I send it to you 
to print, jest as I promised. So here it is in full. 
Jerushy is a proper smart gal, and I guess thar 
aint iucnny of her age who can beat her : 

Beaufort, S. C, March 25, 1802. 
Deer Uncle — I take my pen in hand to fulfil 
my promise to you. Now, I'm goin to rite you the 
hull truth about things in this part of the Lord's 
vinyard. I shall tell you some grate news, so you 
must not tell par of it, for ef you do he'll rite hum 
about it, and then it will soon be all over Down- 
iugville. I jest as live mar would know it as not, 
but then she'll tell aunt Betsy Wiggles, and aunt 
Betsy will go rite over to old Deliverance Grimes, 
and tell her, and then Deliverance she'll put on 
her bonnet and start all over town, and ef Jim 
Pendergrass gets hold of it he'll hector me to 
death, for he's a rale pro-slavery Dimmyerat, and 
thinks that our colored brethren and sisters arc 
fit only for slaves. I can't deny that I've been 
much discncurriged sence I've been here. You 
sec we've got a very queer set of gals and men 
here with us. Some of 'em are quite old gals, 
who haint been very lucky in life, and naturally 
they feel kinder sour towards men in gineral. 
Some of 'em have been schule marms for a good 



. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 51 

many years, and some have been milliner gals. 
Two of 'em had a rale spat on the boat while we 
were comin here. The way it happened was this: 
There is a spruce looking old maid by the name of 
Priscilla Huggins, fromBosting, who is very gift- 
ed in prayer, and she tuk a great notion to Elder 
Sniffles, a young preacher, who is one of the piesest 
men I ever see. She is quite an old gal, and there 
was another gal, a nice looking and quite young 
gal, from York. Her name was Melissy Buggs. 
One day Melissy giv Miss Huggins a terribel slap 
by tellin her that she guessed she made believe 
being so pious jest to ketch Elder Sniffles. When 
Miss Huggins lieercl this, she sed something unre- 
spectful of milliner gals. " She didn't believe," 
she sed, " that eny of 'em had religion, and what's 
more than that, they want eny more respectable 
than they oughter be." When she sed that, Me- 
lissy she jumped rite at her with both her hands, 
and ketched hold of lier liar, and bless me, if she 
didn't pull nigh about all the har off her hed, for 
it turned out it was false har and not genoine. 
When Miss Huggins see her har on the floor, she 
turned as red as a beet, and Melissy said she 
guessed her hart was jest as false as her har. This 
made her redder yet, and jest at this point Elder 
Sniffles came along. He cum up, and ses he, " My 
lear sis-ters, this is not the way to walk in the 



52 LETTERS OF 

fear of the Lord, and with gordly conversaslien 
edefin one another. I fear that the Lo-rd will not 
bless your labors with our dear col-ored brethren, 
who have so long been groanin and cryin to the 
saints for deliverance from chains and slavery." 
This sort of rebuked them, but there's been a con- 
stant jingle in our company ever since. 

When we arrived here, we were all vert much 
clisappented not to find a stage reddy to take us to 
the hotel, but las me ! they aint got any kind of 
decent livin here. Instead of a hotel, they telled 
us we must cook our own vitals, and what do you 
think they giv us ? The government promised to 
board us an lodge us for teachin the. poor dear 
colored people, and takiu keer of their souls, an 
we thought they would do it in decent stile. In- 
stead of that, all we could get was sum salt pork 
and dry bread, jest the same as they giv to the 
common sojers. I tell you, didn't all of us feel 
hoppin, when the feller in brass buttons told w, 
that was all he had for us. To think of turnin of, 
ladies an gentlemen with such stuff was shockin, 
I tell you, didn't Elder Sniffles giv him a piece of 
his mind, an brothers Sleek and Goodenough, and 
Elder Wattles, and young Deacon Dolittle all 
jined in, but they couldn't move the feller a mite. 
So we took a house, the best one we cculd. ir-d 
empty, an commenced doing for ourselves 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 53 

But 1 must toll you something about onr colored 
brethren an sisters. The sojers here treat 'era 
very badly, kick and cuff 'em, an swear at 'em 
such hornbel oaths that it makes the blood run 
cold. But we have taken 'em by the hand and 
lead in 'em by love. That old gal from Bosting, 
Priscella Huggins, actually hugged and kissed one 
old colored lady, until all the others laughed and 
jumped as if they thought it was very funny. For 
my part, I took a great notion to a young black 
gal, wen I first come here. She sed her name was 
Cloe, but she acted so much like Topscy, in that 
dear good novel of that dear good woman, Miss 
Stowe, that I took Topscy for me to teach. First 
off, I got along very with her. I axed her a 
good many questions, among others, where she was 
born. She sed she warivt born at all, but " was 
raised over on the Edisto." But jest as soon as 
I o:ot done talkin to her, she seemed to forgot all 
about it, an would go to clancin an cuttin up 
Jim Crow capers. In a day or two she got rale 
sassy, an I couldn't do nothin with her. One 
day I had to actually drive her out of my room, 
but it warn't but a little while before she put 
her wooly head in again. Then I told her 
again " how that I had come down there on 
purpose to elevate her, an to educate her, that 
she was jest as free as I was, and that she would 



51 LETTERS OF 

never have to mind her old mistress agin/' Wen 
I seel that, she bust out a cryin jest like a baby. 
Ses I, " what is the matter, dear Topsey ?" 
" Oh," ses she, " I can't nebber hear ole missus 
talked of, but I bast rite out cryin. Oh ! what a 
good missus she was ! boo ! boo ! boo !" an she kept 
on cryin as if her heart would break. I thought it 
was dredful queer that she should be cryin to go 
back to bondage. But pretty soon it was all 
over, an she began to dance around the room 
jest as if she never thought of cryin. Pretty soon 
she upset a chair, on which I had laid some things, 
an I was awfully provoked. I took hold of her, 
and felt jest like shakin her to pieces, wen I axed 
her, ses I, " Topsey, why don't you be good?" 
"Las me ! missus," she replied, " I can't be good 
unless Vrn iickt." I tell you 1 was discurriged. 
That night I went to a colored meeting. The 
colored people are very religious, though their 
religion don't seem to be so deep as it ought to 
be. They danced and sung somcthin like the 
Shaking Quakers, and I can't say that it was very 
edefyin. There was nothing spiritual about it, 
and the smell in the room was very unpleasant. 
Somehow colored people have a very singular 
smell, that I never knew of before I come down 
here, and the brothers and sisters don't like it at 
all. I had actually to hold my nose all through 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 55 

meeting in my pocket handkerchief, and yet it 
■ was almost more than I could stand. When 
meeting was over I was mighty glad to get out, I 
tell you. I don't know what we will do here all 
summer, but I expect we shall soon get used to it. 
The very next clay after the meeting, what do you 
think happened ? Why, we all went out to see a 
plantation, aud while we were gone, the colored 
brethren that we made so much of, and who had pre- 
tended to be so pious, stole all the provisions that 
the government gave us ! They were all gone, and 
what is more, I lost my best dress and a bran new 
petticoat that aunt Betsey Wiggles gave me just 
before I started for Washington. But you would 
have laughed to see old Miss Huggins go on about 
what she lost. They took all but one pair of 
stockings, and the best night gown she had. 
When Melisy Buggs heered of it she jumped rite 
up, and slapped her hands and cried good. They 
also took oil' old Miss Huggins' stuff for cleaning 
her false teeth, and you never heercl a woman go 
on so in all your life. I guess if Elder Sniffles 
had hecrd her rave and tare as I did, he would 
think her piety warn't very deep. I didn't keer 
so much for the loss of my petticoat, but if aunt 
Betsey finds it out I'll never heer the last of it, and 
then if Jim Pcnclergrass gets hold of it, what shall 
1 do ? He is the most awful hectorer that ever 



56 LETTERS OF 

lived, and he sets in church at Downingville, rite 
in front of par's pew. He'll grin at me the 
hull time. But 1 cum off good, I tell you. The 
other gals had to divide up with MissHuggins, or 
I don't know what she would have clone. As it 
is, ef much more is stolen from us we will all have; 
to come home and get new wardrobes. All the 
brothers and sisters have been very much puzzled 
about this strange affair. The colored people all 
seem to be so very pious that was not believed for 
a long time that they could have stolen the things, 
but it seems they did, for old Miss Huggins was 
determined to find out, and she went off to some 
of the cabins, and there she found them try in to 
comb their woolly heads with one of her fine teeth 
combs ! 

I tell you what it is, uncle Jack, I am afraid 
I've come on a fool's errand. Some how there 
aint the right look to tilings here, and ef we don't 
succeed better in the future than we have so far, 
in educating these colored people, I fear our labor 
will be lost. They will talk well enough before 
your face, but it don't last. But don't you let on 
to the Downingville folks that I'm at all disen- 
couraged. If I come home it will be on the excuse 
that the climate don t agree with me. Elder 
Sniffles says no one must leave for any other 
reason, for that would bring down odium on the 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 57 

great cause. Elder Sniffles is going to preach 
hereafter regularly to the colored brethren, and 
he hopes he will soon teach them how wicked it is 
to steal. As soon as he teaches them that, then he 
is going on to other subjects, but that must be 
taught them at once, for one or two more hauls 
on us would send us all home with " nothing to 
wear." 

Your affectionate neece, 

Jerusha Matilda Jenkins. 

Wen I got thrue, Linkin jumped rite up out of 
his cheer and stomped his foot so as to make the 
house shake. Ses he, " what a cussed hole that 
Port Royal must be !" Decon Jenkins ses he, 
" don't speak wickedly with your lips, Mr. Presi- 
dent." " Wal," ses Linkin, " it is a cussed hole, 
and I ken prove it by the Scriptur." " I guess 
not," ses the Decon." " Wal," ses Linkin, 
" didn't the Lord cuss the earth for man's sins ?" 
" Yes," ses the Decon. " Wal, I'de like to 
know," ses Linkin, " whether you think Port 
Royal was an exccpshln V I never seed a feller 
look so chop-fallen as the Decon did, and I 
snorted rite out a laughin, for the Decon thinks 
he's so smart on Scriptur. Linkin, however, de- 
clares that he ain't got nothin to do with this 
nigger schule teachin, but that it is all Char 
3* 



58 LETTERS OF 

plans. But its turnin out jest as I expected ; Je- 
rusha now begins to see that what I tolled her 
was true. The gal will be comin back afore long, 
you may be sure, but she'll be cured of niggerism ; 
that will be one good thing. I only wish I could 
send all the old maids and silly gals in New Eng- 
land down there. They would soon get the nig- 
ger notions out of their heads. 

Your frend, Majer Jack Downing. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 50 



LETTER VI. 

The Question of the " Contrybands" — Lincoln and the Major Dis- 
cuss It — The Major Tells a Story — Shows Mr. Lincoln That 
the Government is out of Order — Says It's a " Dimmycratic 
Machine'' 1 and that Seward and Chase Don't Know How to 
Run It — Tliey are Like Old Jim Dumbutter and the TJiresh- 
ing Machine — The Major Tells Another Story — " The Ker- 
ncV Gets a Joke on Seward — Tells a Story About the 
" Giascutis." 

Washington, April 15th, 18G2. 
•To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 

Surs : I've ben kinder sick sence I writ you 
last. The truth is, this clymate in the spring is 
ralely very weeknin to the constitu3hin. Linkin, 
too, has been terribully anxus about war noose, 
and the nigh approach of hot weather. But the 
great subjeck which the Kernel and I have been 
considerin is the " contrybands." What is to be 
done with 'em ?" That's the questshin, and Lin- 
kin ses he'd like to see the feller that can tell him. 
One night Linkin got a big map, an he sot down, 
and "Now," ses he, " Majer, let's take a look at 
all creashin, an see ef ther aint sum place whar we 
kin send these pesky kinky heels, and git red of 
'em." " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I'm agreed." So 



GO LETTERS OF 

we went at it. First Linkin put his finger on 
Haty. " Now," ses lie, " tlier's an Hand that 
jest suits the nigger constitushin. Suppose they 
go thar ?" " But," ses I, " Kernel, they won't 
go, an ef they did, they wouldn't do nothin." 
" Wai," ses he, " no matter, ef they won't trouble 
us here enny longer." " But," ses I, " ther's one 
more resin. The iland aint large enuff to hold all 
the niggers — four millions or thereabouts." 
" Wal," ses he, " ther's Centril Ameriky — what 
do you think of that spot ?" " Wal," ses I, 
" Kernel, that's a fine country, naterally. The 
Creator fixed it up on a grand skale, but you can't 
make a treaty with it, enny more than you can 
count the spots on a little pig, when he keeps runin 
about the hull time. The truth is, you can't tell 
i who'll be President of it from one mornin to the 
next, and the niggers you send there might all git 
their throats cut jest as soon as they landed." 
" Wal," ses Linkin, " that's a slight objecshin. 
But let's turn over to Ai'riky. There's Libery, 
how would that do, Major ?" " Wal," ses I, 
" Kernel, that country is about the biggest hum- 
bug of the hull lot. Fust off, sum raly good pec- 
pul thought it was goin to amount to surathin, 
but after forty years of spendin money on it, tlier 
aint enny more cbanst of civil izin Ai'riky in that 
way than ther is of makin a rifled cannon out of 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 61 

a bass/wood log. A few clominys, who can't git 
enny boddy willin to hear 'cm preach, hev got hold 
of it, an arc makin a good thing out of it. As 
for sending our niggers thcr, why it would take 
all the shippin of the world, and more money than 
Chase could print by steam in a year." " Wal," 
ses Linkin, " where on arth kin we send 'em ?" 
" Now," ses I, " Kernel, I've got an idee of my 
own about that matter. I think they are best off 
where they are and jest as they are, but ef you 
must git red of 'em, I would send 'em all to Massa- 
chews-its! Peepul who are so anxus to have other 
folks overrun with free niggers ought to be willin 
to share sum of the blessins themselves, So let 
all that are here in Washington be sent rite off to 
Boston." "Yes, that might do," ses Linkin, 
" but then, ef they are entitled to their freedom, 
they orter be allowed to go where they are a mind 
to." "But, ses I, " sum States won't have 'em at 
all, an they can't go there. So what's to be done ?" 
" Wal," ses Linkin, " I tell you what it is, Ma- 
jer, this is an almighty tuff subjeck. I know 
somethin about splittin rails, and what hard work 
is ginerally, but this nigger questshin has puzzled 
me more than enny thing I ever got hold of be- 
fore." "Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I kin explain the 
resin why." Ses he, " Let's hear you, Major." 
" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, where do you carry your 



62 LETTERS OF 

pocket-book ?" Ses he, " What on arth has that 
to do with the subjeck ?" Ses I, " Hold on, you'll 
see." " Wal," ses he, " I always carry it rite 
there, in my left hand trowsers pocket." Ses I, 
" Didn't you ever have a hole in that pocket for 
a day or two, and had to put your pocket-book in 
sum other?" Ses lie, " Majer, I have." Ses I, 
" What did you do with it then?" " Wal," ses 
he, " I put it in my right band pocket, but it kin- 
der chafed my leg there, cause it warn't used to 
it, and it also felt mity onhandy. So I put it in 
my side coat pocket, but every time I stooped over 
it would drop out. Then I put it in my coat tail 
pocket, but I was kept all the time on the qui vi- 
vers, afeerd sum pickpocket would steal it. At 
last, in order to make it safe, and sure, I put it in 
the top of my hat, under sum papers, but the hat 
was too top-heavy, and over it went, spilling every- 
thing. I tell you I was glad when my pocket was 
fixed, and I got it back in the old spot." 

" Now," ses I, " Kernel, that's jest the case 
with the niggers. The mirmit you get 'em out of 
thcr place, you don't know what on arth to do 
with 'em. Now, we've been here all the cvenin 
sarchin over the map to see ef we can't find sum 
place to put 'em. But it is all no manner of use. 
You've got to do with 'em jest as you did with 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 63 

your pocket-book. Put 'em whar they belong, an 
then you won't have any more trubbil." 

Linkin didn't see eggzatly how I was gwin to 
apply the story, an wen lie did, he looked kinder 
struck up. Wen I saw that I hcd made a hit on 
him, I follered it up. Ses I, " Kernel, this gov- 
ernment ain't out of order, as Seward an Chase 
kontend. They are only tryin to run it the rong 
way — that's what makes all the trubbil. I once 
heel a thrashin machine, an I sold it to old Jim 
Dumbutter, an after he got it he sed it warn't 
good for nothin — that.it wouldn't run, &c. So I 
went over to see it, an I vow ef he didn't have 
the machine all rong eend foremist. I went to 
work at it, an, after a leetle wile, it went off like 
grease, jest as slick as a whistle. You see, old 
Dumbutter didn't onderstand the machine, an, 
therefore, he couldn't make it go. Now," sos I, 
"Kernel, our Constitushin is a Dimmycraiic ma- 
chine, an its got to be run as a Dimmycra ic ma- 
chine, or it worft run at all ! Now, you so ?, Se~v- 
ard is tryin to run it on his ' higher law ' prin- 
ciple, but it warn't made for that, an the consc- 
ience is, the thing is pretty nigh smashed up." 

Wal, ses Linkin, " things do look kindjr dark. 
I don't know whar we will come out, but I guest 
I'll issoo a proclamashin for the ministers to pra) 
for us. Perhaps they will do sum good." Ses I 



64 LETTERS OF 

" Kernel, that reminds me of old Elder Doolittle, 
who cum along the road one day rite by wliar old 
Sol Hopkins, a very wicked old sinner, was hoein 
corn. The season was late, as the corn was mity 
slim. Ses the Elder : " Mr. Hopkins, your corn 
is not very forrard this year.' ' No, its monstrus 
poor,' ses Hopkins, ' an I guess I shan't have 
half a crop.' < Wal,' ses the Elder, K Mister 
Hopkins, you ought to pray to the Lord for good 
crops ; perhaps He will hear you.' ' Wal, perhaps 
He will, an perhaps He won't ;' ses old Sol, ' but 
I'll be darned ef I don't beleave that this corn 
needs manure a tarnel sight more than it does 
prayin for.' Now," ses I, " Linkin, I think this 
country is somethin like old Hopkinses corn. It 
needs statesmanship a good deal more than prayin for." 
Linkin didn't seem to like that observashin of 
mine much, for he turned the subjick, an he ain't 
axed me what it was best to do with the niggers 
sence. 

The other day the Kernel got off a good joke on 
Seward. You know what a solem looking chap 
he is naterally. Wal, since he has got to be Chief 
Clark of the President, he seems to look solemer 
than ever. He cum into Linkin's room, an the 
Kernel ses, " Have you heercl the news, Boss ?" 
"No," ses Seward, " what is it?" "Wal," ses 
Liu kin, " the Giascutis is loose." " What's that ?" 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. G5 

ses Seward. "Why," ses Linkin, "ain't you 
never heerd the story of the Giascutis ?" Seward 
sed he never had. " Wal," ses the Kernel, " I 
must tell you. Several years ago, a couple of 
Yankees were travellin out West, an they got out 
of money. So they koncluded to s raise the wind' 
as follers : — They were to go into a village ; an an- 
nounce a show, pretendin that they had a remark- 
abul animal, which they had jest captured on the 
Rocky Mountings. A bran new beast euch as was 
never seen before. The name was the ' Giascutis.' 
It was to be shown in a room, and one of the fel- 
lers was to play i Giascutis.' He was put behind 
a screen an had some chains to shake, an he also 
contrived to growl or howl as no critter ever did 
before. W T al, the peeple of the village all cum 
to see the Giascutis, an, after the room was filled, 
his companion began to explain to the audienee' 
what a terribul beast he had, how he killed ten 
men, two boys and five hosses in ketchin him, an 
now how had got him, at ' enormous expense,' to 
show him. Jest as everybody was gapin an starin, 
thar was, all at once, a most terrific growlin, and 
howlin, an rattlin of chains ; an, in the excitement, 
the showman, almost breathless, yelled out, at the 
top of his voice, « the Giascutis is loose. Run ! 
run ! run!' An away went the people down stairs, 
heels over head, losin all they had paid, an seein 



()(> LETTERS OF 

nothin. Now," ses Linkin, "'the Merrymac is 
out,' an when I read about the vessels, an tug-boats, 
an steamers, all scamperin off as soon as she was 
seen, I thought she was the ' Giascutis,' sure, only 
I'm afraid she is a real Giascutis, an no mistake." 
Since then, Linkin calls the Merrymac the Giascu- 
tis all the time. 

Your friend, 

M ajer Jack Downing, 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 67 



LETTER VII. 

War "Noose" — The P resident 's Anxiety — Mr. Lincoln Deter- 
mines to Apply " the Principle''' 1 — The Story of Zenas Home- 
spun — The Major's Views on Negroes — Poetry — The Eman- 
cipation Ball — The Major Going to " Cifer" on the Finances. 

Washington, April 29th, 18G2. 
To the Editers of the Cawcashin : 

Surs : — We are all on the qui vivers here for 
war noose. Linkin gets up sometimes in the mid- 
dul of the nite to hear a dispach received by Sck- 
ratary Stantin, and as much of it as is thought 
good for the health of the peepil is sent to the 
papers. The other nite Linkin called me. This 
was very unushul for him, for he ginrally tells me 
in themornin, at the breckfast tabel, and axes my 
opinion, but he sent for me that nite and scd that 
I must git up and read the noose. So I went 
down and he showed me the dispach that Gen- 
nerral Mitchell got of Bowregards. " Notv," ses 
the Kernel, " you see, Majer, we've got the ras- 
kils in a korner. They've got to lite or run. 
and if they fite they're licked, and if they run 
they're licked. We shall now soon have Mem- 
fus, and that jest pens up Jeff Davis in Vir- 



68 LETTERS OF 

ginny. You see, Majer, Bowregard ses he ain't 

got but 35,000 troops." Ses I, "Kernel, let 

me take a look at that dispach." I put on my 

specs and read it over twice or three times very 

kerfully, and then ses I, " Kernel,! don't think you 

orter put grate faith in that. As Elder Doo- 

little used to say, ' it may be a bee, and then 

agin it may be a wasp.' That Bowregard is a 

grate feller at stratagy, and it might be another 

dodge of his. And then agin, Kernel, that was 

afore you signed the bill abolishin slavery in 

the District of Columby. As sure as your born 

that will be worth a hundred thousan sojers to 

Jeff Davis." " Wal," ses Linkin, » let it, who 

cares ? The truth is, Majer, we Republicans 

have been talkin about the great principle of 

the equality of all men, includin Injins, niggers, 

Chinees and so on, and now they want me to 

apply the principle, and I'm goin to do it. I 

think there is sum humbug in it sumwhere, but 

I don't exactly see Avhere, and as they will give 

me no peace, and will never be satisfied enny- 

how until it is dun, I'm goin to put it thru. 

" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, go aheel, but look out 

for squalls. Perhaps," ses I, "you never heerd 

the story about Zenas Humspun < applyin the 

principle.' I hope you won't hev as bad luck 

as he did. " No," ses Linkin, " I never heerd 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 69 

that story. What was it?" " Wal," scs I, 

" Zenas was a good-natered feller, who lived in 
Downingville, and a wonderful inquirin sort of 
a chap, allcrs and fore.vcr prying into things. 
If he bought a clock he'd take it all apart with 
his jack-nife, jest to see how it went together. 
So about the time that the telegraph was started 
and an offis was set up in our town, Zenas was 
eenaniost puzzled to deth to get the hang of the 
critter, as he called it. One day he went to the 
offis and axed the feller to show him all about 
it. The chap was very per lite, and explained 
to him the grate principle on which it worked, 
but Zenas didn't exactly see through it, and kept 
axing questions and botherin the feller till he 
got clean out of pashins. Finally, ses he to 
Zenas, ' Perhaps you would like to see me ap- 
ply the principle.' Zenas said he would, of course. 
6 Wal,' scs he, ' then you jest take hold of them 
brass nobs and stick to 'cm tight.' So Zenas 
grabbed hold of 'em like all possessed, but he 
hadn't more than fairly got hold before he lay 
sprawlin on the floor. The ' principle' had 
knocked him clean over. Now, Zenas was a 
tcrribul feller to smoke, and allers carried his 
pockets full of lusifer matches to lite his pipe 
with. It so happened that he had a hull box-full 
in his coat-tail pocket as he keeled over on the 



70 LETTERS OF 

floor, and as he foil they scratched agin one an- 
other so strong that they all got afire. It warn't 
but a little while afore Zenas' coat-tail was all in 
a blaze, and before it could be put out it had 
burnt an awful big hole in the seat of his trowsers, 
and schorched him thereabouts amazinly. Zenas 
yelled and hollered awful, and seel he didn't want 
to know enthing more about i applyin the princi- 
ple.' Now," ses I, «" Kernel, I hope you won't hev 
as bad luck as Zenas did, but depend on't, this 
applyin principles you don't exactly understand 
is dangerous business. If you don't get burnt 
somewhere it will be a wonder." 

" Wal," ses Linkin, " Majer, you are a cute chap 

in tellin a story, but now, tell me, do you think 

the nigger an the white man didn't cum from the 

same parrient ?" " Now," ses I, " Kernel, that's 

axin a deep question. You see its onpossibul to 

tell what the Creatur may have done. He might 

have made only one kind of man at fust, an then 

altered their constitushins, an complexions, an 

brains afterwards. You see everything is possi- 

bul to the Creatur. Or the nigger may have cum 

from Ham, who was cussed for his sins, but then 

I don't see that it is enything agin the scrip- 

toors to believe that all the kinds of men were 

made at the beginnin jest as they are now. 

But it don't make env difference how thev cum 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 71 

so, so long as they are different. Yon can't eny 
more make a white man out of a nigger now than 
you can breed a lion out of a, polecat. You see, 
it's clar agin natur to expect to make the nigger 
enything but a nigger. You can't get a peach out 
of a crab-apple, nor a pumpkin out of a water- 
melon, nor eagles out of ducks' eggs. You can't 
raise chickens from egg-planj;s, or produce goslins 
from gooseberries. You see, Kernel, everything 
in natur must go accordin to natur. If the. nigger 
had been intended to be equil to the white man, 
hed been made jest like a white man, and the very 
fact that he ain't made so, is proof positive that 
he warn't intended to be put in a white man's 
place. Trying to make a nigger act like a white 
man is jest like old Sol Hopkins, one year harness- 
ing his off ox an his hoss together to plow corn. 
The ox was lazy as he could be, an the hoss was a 
young, high-strung animil, an such a pullin an 
haulin team you never did see. It almost killed 
both. You see, it was workin agin natur. It 
was tryin to make a hoss an ox, and an ox a hoss, 
neither of which things can be did. You see, 
Kernel, everything in natur must go according to 
natur." 

" Wal," scs Linkin, " there is a good deal in 
what you say, but then the peepil don't believe it. 
They think the nigger is only accidentally black, 



72 LETTERS OF 

and if he lacks in mind and capacity, it is all owin 
to slaver} 7 , an they won't believe eny other way 
until they see for themselves. I tell you, Majer, 
the principle has got to be applied, no matter how 
meny coat-tails or how meny trowsers are burnt." 

" But," ses I, " Kernel, can't they see how the 
thing has worked in places whar nigger equality 
has been tried ?" u That don't settle the question, 
Majer. Peepil are jest like hogs in that respect. 
Did you ever see a lot of hot swill put in a trough, 
an every single hog in the pen would go an stick 
in his snoot an get it burned? Not one would 
larn from the others. After we've tried nigger 
equality, we'll know what it is, an how we like it. 
We must apply the principle, an in some way, you 
may depend upon it Majer, all the niggers down 
South will be sot free." 

" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I guess that there are 
other folks who think jest as you do, for somebody 
has sent me some varses in relashin to the nex 
great emancipashin which is to cum off, cut from 
some noospaper. I will read 'em to you : 

THE EMANCIPATION BALL, 

GIVEN TO FOUR MILLIONS OF NEGROES, BY THE GREAT REPUBLICAN 

P-A-I-R-T-Y. 



Anodder Great Ball is soon to be, 
De like of which you nebber did see, 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 73 

De bids is out I's seen a few, 
De guests I know, and so do you. 

Lubly Rosa! Sambo come! 

Don't you hear de l>anjo ? 
Turn! Turn! Turn! 

Do fust on de list is Mistab. Snow, 
And de nex is Jeemes and Dinah Grow ; 
Chalk and ivory ! heels and shins ! 
White man wait till the dance begins! 

Lubly Rosa ! Sambo come ! 

Don't you hear de banjo ? 
Turn ! Turn ! Turn ! 

Pompey Smash, and his lady fair ! 
You may bet your life dey will bofe be dare! 
And Mistah Ducklegs — bully for he ! 
Such a gizzard foot you ncbbcr did see. 

Lubly Rosa ! Sambo come ! 

Don't you hear de banjo ? 
Turn ! Turn ! Turn ! 

And Gumbo Squash wid his bressed grin, 
His curling bar, and his ebo-shin — 
De King ob Hearts will come to de Bal, 
Let the gals look out for dare feckshuns all ! 

Lubly Rosa ! Sambo come ! 

Don't you hear de banjo ? 
Turn! Turn! Turn! 

Ole Uncle Xed, frow down dat hoe ! 
And Dinah, drop dat kitchen dough ! 
All Dixie's free, wid nolfin to do 
But to dance all night, and all day too. 

Lubly Rosa ! Sambo come ! 

Don't you hear de banjo ? 

Turn ! Turn ! Turn ! 
4 



74 LETTERS OF 

De white trash dey have nuffin to say, 
But to work ! work ! and de taxes pay ; 
While the bressed darkies dance dere fill, 
Let de white trash foot de fiddler's bill ! 

Lnbly Rosa ! Sambo come ! 

Don't you hear de banjo ! 
Turn ! Turn ! Turn ! 

White Men ! White Men ! Sure as you're born, 
The crows are going to take your corn! 
They surround your fields on every tree, 
And they blacken the sky as far as we see. 

Lubly Rosa ! Sambo stay, 

In the land of Dixie, 
Far away. 

Linkin laughed at it when I got thru, an sed it 
done very well for some sore-hed Dimmycrat, but 
that Whittiur could write one on 'totber side that 
this would not be a prirain to. I tellecl him 
Whittiur might make better poetry, but I doubt- 
ed whether ther would as much truth in it as this 
had. 

Linkin ses he wants me to study up the finances 
for him. He ses the debt is gettin fearful, an as 
1 am good at cyferin, he ses I must try to help him 
out on that subject. He wants to put it in his nex 
message. It is some time since I did such work, 
but if I feel like it, I will go into it, an will write 
you how I get along. 

Your frend, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 75 



LETTER VIII. 

Matters get Confused— The u Kernel and the Major 1 ' 1 Compelled to 
go to Fortress Monroe to Straighten Things Out — Mr. Lincoln 
Takes his Revolver — The Major Sticks to His Hickory — Ar- 
rival at Fort Monroe — They go ona u Tipper graphical Rekon- 
nisanze" — A Night Alarm — Secretary Stanton Tries to get on, 
the President'' s Pantaloons. 

Washington, May 13th, 1862. 
To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 

Surs : — Wal, if I ain't eenamost tired out, I 
wouldn't say so. Wen I writ you last, I told you 
that Linkin wanted me to look into the finaneies 
and cifer where we was a comin to, but I ain't had 
time to do it yet. Things have ben in a kind of 
a dubbel and twisted snarl here lately. Sekrctary 
Stantin and Gins. McClellin and McDowell have 
been almost by the ears. One of em halls Linkin 
one way and another t'other way, until he got 
eenamost crazy. McClellin wanted more sojers. 
Stantin sed he didn't have em for him. McDowell 
sed he wanted more, and Banks wanted more. So 
you see here was a pretty kittle of fish. Finally, 
Mr. Linkin, ses he, " Majer, wat on erth shall I 
do?" " Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I tell you my idee. 



76 LETTERS OP 

You better go down to Fort Monro w, an see for 
yourself. I allers found, when I had a lot of 
hands in the field a rnowin, there was nothin like 
havin the boss on hand. If he ain't there, they 
ali want to be boss." " Wal," ses Linkiu, "I 
think that is a good plan, Majer ; and if you will 
go along with me, I will go down there, and if I 
don't straiten things out there, my name ain't Abe 
Linkin. But, Major, how shall we go ?" " Wal," 
ses I, " Kernel, do jist as Ginneral Jackson used 
to; step of kinder unbeknown to eny one, but you 
kin invite all your a mind to go along." " Wal," 
ses he, " I guess I'll take Chase and Stantin along. 
I want Stantin so as to ask questions ; an if I leave 
Chase here, he an Seward will git a quarrelin sure 
as you live. I never see two men so jealous of 
each other. They both want to be President so 
bad, that I expect nothin else but some day they'll 
steal my old boots." 

The next day Linkin got all ready, put on his 
best close, and slicked up so he looked p'urty nice. 
Then he got his six-barreled revolver, and put it 
in his side coat pocket. Ses I, " Kernel, what on 
arth do want of revolvers ?" " Wal," ses he, 
" Majer, aint we goin down to the land of the 
Secesh, and who knows but we may git in an am- 
bushcade?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, that's a 
fact ; but I shan't carry anything but my old hick- 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 77' 

ory. Ginneral Jackson cum pretty nigh killin 
a man once with his hickory, and I believe, Ker- 
nel, old as I am, I'cle give any Secesher a pretty 
good tussel with that old shag bark." 

" Wal," ses Linkin, "I wan't brought up that 
way. 1'de rather have an ax than any other 
weepin, for I believe I could split the Southern 
Confederacy into rails in a week, and fence it in, 
if it were only fashionable to warfare in that man- 
ner ; but you see, Majer, we've got to lick the 
rebils according to science, or John Bull and Looe 
Napoleon will kick up a rumpus. So I'll have to 
stick to revolvers." 

" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, that's right ; but give 
me the hickory. If I don't defend myself with 
that, then my name ain't Major Jack Downing. 
I ain't goin to make a masked battery of myself." 

So we all got reddy and went off in the Miamy, 
so quiet like, that Washington peeple didn't scase- 
ly know it. Ginneral Wool was terribully tick- 
led to see us, and he shook me by the hand jest 
as hard as he could. I hadn't seen the old Gin- 
neral for a great manny years, but ho don't seem 
a mite older than he did nigh on twenty years ago. 
The next day after we got there, we had a council 
of war, and it was decided to attack Norfolk. 
Bat how to do it was the question. " Wal," ses 
Linkin, " I tell you what, I know somethin about 



78 LETTERS OF 

boatin, and the Majer here he is quick at eena- 
most anything. So we'll go on a tippergraphical 
rekonnisanze to-morrow." Ses I, " Kernel, them 
big words may be all right, but I'll be darned if 
I believe they're English." Ses I, " ain't it jist 
as easy to say that we're goin on a military 
tower of obsevashin ?" 

The next mornin we started off in the Miamy, 
and went towards Norfolk. Every place we cum 
to, the naval offesers sed wouldn't answer to land 
troops on. It couldn't be done. Finerally, I 
showed Linkin a spot close in shore, and ses he, 
" them old canal-botes up there at the Fort, that 
you sed looked as if they were the runin gear of 
Noah's ark, are fit for no thin else but to be towed 
over here for the troops to land on." Ses I, " Ker- 
nel, that's so, and if the sea captains can't do it, 
I kin, for I sailed a sloop once clown in Maine, and 
I know sumthin about the bizness." So wen Lin- 
kin pinted out the spot, they tried to find fault 
agin, and talked about the tide and the sinkin of 
the boats, etc. Just then I stepped up, and ses I, 
" Mr. President, I'm an old man, but if you want 
sojers landed there, I'll land 'em safe and sound 
as a pipe stem ; it I don't, then my name ain't 
Majer Jack Downing." Wen the brass button, 
pompous chaps heered me say that I was Majer 
Jack Downing, you never seen a wisker set of fel- 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 79 

lers. They all at once began to iru*ke apologys, 
and seel that they would try it, that they guessed 
it could be done, and so on. I see thru the fellers 
at once. They didn't want Linkin to have eny 
of the credit of it ; but when they see that I 
was goin to do it, and take all the credit, then 
they were willin to go to work. I ralely believe 
there ain't a officer in the navy or army but what 
expects to get glory euuff in this war to make him 
a President. Wal, after we fixed on this place, 
we all went back to the Fort, and Ginneral Wool 
give us all first rate rooms in the offiser's quarters. 
The next mornin, bright and arly, the sojers were 
off, and Ginneral Wool leadin 'em. As it turned 
out, everything went off jest as slick as could be. 
The rebils had cut sticks and run, and there was 
no one to take. The Ginneral went into town, 
run up the stars and stripes, and it was all over 
with. Norfolk was ours. 

Ginneral Wool was so tickled with his success 
that the old man i urn post haste back agin, 
late at nite, to tell Linkin and Stantin of it. 
We had all got to bed. We slept in rooms that 
jined each other, Linkin occupyin the middle room, 
an myself an Stantin one on each side, with the 
doors openin into Linkin's room. Wen we went 
to bed, ses the Kernel to me, kinder jokin, ses he, 
"Majer, if the Secesh attack us to-nite, you must 



80 LETTERS OF 

have your hickory redely." Ses' I, " Kernel, look 
out for your revolver, an put it under your piller, 
so you kin grab it handy." Wal, what should 
happen along towards mornin but a most terribul 
noise, some one beatin, an stampin, an yellin, like 
all possessed. First, I thought of the Secesh, and 
I grabbed my hickory at once, an made for the 
Kernel's room in my nite-shirt to see how he was 
feelin. I came pretty nigh bustin my sides a 
laughin, for there Linkin stood up on a cheer, 
lookin for all the world like a treed porcupine ; 
his hair stood on eends, and he was a shaking his 
pistol around as if he meant to shoot. Ses I, " hold 
on, Kernel ; don't fire. Let's see what this rumpus 
is all about before you shoot." Stantin, was 
in Linkin's room, lookin like a spook in his white 
nite-gown ; an I'm darned if the critter warn't 
bizzy trying to git on Linkin's trowsers ! He got 
'em on after a fashen, but his legs didn't more than 
go half thru 'em, an there he stood kinder tangled 
up like, lookin awful sorry about somethin, as if 
he'ed wanted to issue a bulletin an couldn't ? All 
the while the noise kept growin louder, an finally 
ses I, " Who on arth is that makin such a tarnal 
racket ?" " It's me. It's me," ses a voice. Ses 
I, " who is me ? are you Union or Secesh ?" " I'm 
Ginneral Wool," ses he, " an I want to tell you 
the noose." Now, we didn't no more' expect to 



MAJOR J. ' K DOWNING. 81 

see Ginneral Wool tha'" ve did Jeff Davis; but 
sure enuff, it was him, am 1 he cum thunderin in an 
brought his old cane clown as the floor with a ring. 

Ses he, " Norfolk is ours, hr ." I won't put 

in the swearing part. You never did see such a 
change. Linkin jumped do u n out of the cheer, 
and ketched the old Ginneral by the hand, and 
cum pretty nigh shakin it off, Vnile Stantin took 
him rite in his arms. Wen tb\- ttory had all been 
heerd, and Linkin went to look ?or his trowsers, 
there was Stantin with his legs in 'em, holden 
them up by his hands. Ses I, " B irnel, Mr. Stan- 
tin will get to be President if ytw ain't kcrful, 
for I see he's got on the President's trowsers." 
T\ T en I sed that, I thought Stantia would wilt. 
He looked awfully struck up, but sed Iv/d no idee 
them was Linkin's trowsers, and he ba< ^ed out of 
them quick. 

The next day there was great rejoidug in the 
hull army, and we all cum back to Wa\bington 
in the Miamy. I've jist got back, and lu^-o cnly 
had time to write you this letter. Wen yew V\ar 
from me agin 1 hope I shan't be so tired, au^ TU 
try to give you a more interesting letter. 
Your friend, 

Majer Jack Downing 



4* 



82 LETTERS OF 



LETTEE IX. 

TJie Major Figures on the " Nashinal Debt" — Horse Contracts and 
" Abolishin Preechers' 1 '' — Banks Defeated — Tlie Major Suggests 
a New Fashioned Shield expressly for Retreats — A Wheel- 
barrow for eve y Soldier ! — Excitement in Washington — The 
President not Scared " a Hooter'''' 

Washington, May 26th, 1862. 
To the Editers of the Cawcashin : 

Surs : — Sence I writ you last, I've been figering 
on the nashinul debt, and I tell you what it is, it is 
jest about the most intricit subjec I ever got hold 
of. I've used up two duzzen slates and about a 
cart load of slate pencils. Linkin has sent on to 
York for a fresh supply, and wen they cum I'm 
goin' at it agin. Squire Biddle's Bank warn't a 
primin to this war debt. You see the contracters 
and the politicians, an 1 the Members of Congress 
and the Guvernors of the States, and the editers 
and even the Abolishin preechers are mixed up in 
it cleen to their ize. It's very queer how so many 
of these preechers have had hoss contracts. It 
seems as if Abolishin and hoss jockeying goes to- 
gether. One pius chap wrote on the back of his 
contract, " An horse is a vain thing for safety. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 83 

Put your trust in the Lord." I should think that 
such hosses as ho furnished would bo a vain thing 
for safety, for nigh about the hull of 'em was spav- 
ined, or ring-boned, or foundered, or had the 
blind staggers. I tell you it's edefyin to look over 
these contracts. Linkin has giv me a cart blank 
to pry into the hull subjec, but Chase squirms ter- 
ribully wen I questshin him close. But I ain't got 
half done. The other day, as I was porerin 
over my last slate, which was pretty nigh sifered 
full, Linkin sent for me in a grate hurry. I 
started rite off, wunderin what on arth was up. 
Wen I went in, the Kernel had his cote off and 
his sleeves rolled up, an ses he, " Major, do you 
know where I kin get a first-rate axe ?" Ses I, 
" Kernel, I know where there is the best axe that 
ever chopped wood, but," ses T, " it's way up in 
Downingville." Ses he, " That won't do, Major ; 
I must have an axe rite off, or I shall bust ; I can't 
live unless I work off this steem." I see the Ker- 
nel had on a high-pressure excitement, and ses I, 
" Hold on a minnit, Kernel, and tell me what on 
arth's the matter?" 6 < Matter!" ses he, "jest 
read that, Majer, and tell me whether you don't 
think that that infernal cuss, Stantin, ought to be 
kicked out of the Cabinet ?" I took up the paper 
and there. was a despatch from Ginncral Banks, 
sayin how the rebils had licked him and was 



84 LETTERS OF 

drivin him back like all possessed, and all because 
Stantin had takin away his troops and sent 'em 
away where they warn't wanted. Ses I, " Kernel, 
I have had a good deal of doubt about that feller, 
Stantin, ever sence he tried to get on your trows- 
ers down at Fort Munrow. You see you can't 
never depend a grate deal on a turn coat. Pie 
once perfessed to be a pro-slavery man, but now 
he goes in for the Abolishinists even stronger than 
the Simon-pur es. I tell you, Kernel, you better 
look out for him." " Wal," ses Linkin, " we ain't 
got no time to talk about that. The Secesh are 
almost on Washington agin, and jest think what 
France and England will say. Why, Seward rote 
'em at the last steamer that it was all over — that 
New Orleans was open — that Richmond would be 
taken in a few days ; and here, by this stupid blun- 
der, we are agin jest back where we were a year 
ago, and I've got to call fer more troops to defend 
the Capital. What on arth will we do ?" « Wal," 
ses I, " Kernel, if swarein or even choppin wood do 
any good, I would advise you to do one or both ; 
but you see they won't. So put on your coat and 
let's talk this matter over." So we jest went over 
the subjec, and soon decided what to do. I tell 
you we made the tclegraff fly all day Sunday, and 
by night we all began to feel a grate deal easier. 
That nite the Kernel and I had a long talk, and I 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 85 

told him I had invented a new military system to 
prevent the dangers of a retreat, and that ef it 
had been adopted in Ginneral Banks' case he 
would have come off with all his men, and almost 
without a scratch. The Kernel he was dredful 
anxious to know what it was. So I told him that 
my idee was to have every man supplied with a 
sheet-iron shield, about five foot long and about 
two foot wide, to strap rite on his back when ho 
commenced to retreat. -Then the enemy might fire 
as hard as they pleased, while our sojers could 
take their time and not be compelled to run them- 
selves out of breath. 

" Wal," ses Linkin, "how would they carry it 
when marchin ?" He thought he had me there, but 
ses I, " Kernel, my plan involves a hull change in 
the art of war. Insted of so many baggage wag- 
gins and such long trains, I would have a wheel- 
barrow for every sojer ! Don't you see," ses I, 
" Kernel, how nice that would work ? Every man 
could carry his own vittals, and his ammunition, 
his shield, &c., &c., jest as complete as could be. 
Wen there Avas any lighten to be done, the wheel- 
barrows could all be placed in the rear, the sojers 
arm themselves and go out and fight. If they 
were whipped all they would have to do would be 
to fall back to the wheelbarrows, strap on their 
shield and walk off ! There would be no rnnniri 



86 LETTERS OF 

then to get out of the reach of bullets, and re- 
treats of thirty- five miles a day would be useless. 
With an army of that kind, Kernel, we could sub- 
due the Southern Confederacy in i sixty days,' and 
make out Seward a prophet after all." " I'me 
afraid, Majer, it's too late in the day to introduce 
your new military system. This infernal South- 
ern Confederacy has got to be whipped pretty 
soon with such old hosses and waggins as we have 
got, or this Union is split jest as sure as my name 
is Abe Linkin. You see, Majer, you can't make a 
whistle out of a pig's tail, and it seems to me jest 
about impossibul ever to make Union men agin 
out of the rebils. However, they shan't have 
Washington, ef I have to call every man in the 
North here to defend it." Ses I, " Kernel, that's 
right. I'de stick to the White House until the 
top blowed off and the cellar caved in." 

You better believe we've been in an awful ex- 
citement here sence the news about Banks cum. 
Seward looks paler than ever, while Chase is 
skeert half to detli for fear of its effect on the 
Treasury. The Kernel and I, however, keep cool, 
and we are getting things pretty well straightened, 
out, so ef the Secesh come here now, they may wish 
they had never got so nigh Washington. 

Linkin ses " he warn't skeereda hooter, but was 
only rarin mad." At any rate, lie looked awful 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 87 

savage, and ef he had had my axe, I ralely believe 
he might have split rails enough to fence the 
Southern Confederacy in. 

I had intended to be back to Downingville be- 
fore the first of June, but Linkin says he won't 
hear of my goin until he sees more daylight down 
South. I must be there the 4th of July, at any 
rate, for I never allow that day to go by without 
reviewin the Downingville melisha. 
Your friend, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



88 LETT*rt^ .<F 



LETTER £. 

TJie Major Troubled with his old Comprint, the " Rumntics" — He 
Examines the Finances — Mr. Chasv Frightened — The Myor 
Figures up the Accounts on His Slate — Returns axd Shows 
the Result to Mr. Lincoln~-He is Astounded — The " Kernel 
and the Majer" Take Some Old Rye — The Major Proposes to 
Return to Downingville to Spend the ^th of July. 

Washington, June 8th, 1862. 
To the Editers of the Cawcashin ; 

Sues: — It has been mit'y onpleasant wether 
sence I writ you last, an I have had a rale sharp 
twinge of the rumatics. These cold rains in June 
are hard on a constitushin that has had a tussle 
with nigh on to about eighty winters ; but hows- 
eyer, with a little elder bark tee, my favorit rem- 
edy wen it's mixed with a good deal of old rye, 
I've got now about as good as new agin. So the 
other day I telled Linkin I was going to finish up 
my sifering on the financies. He sed he wished I 
would, for he was alrcddy beginning to think 
about laying the foundashin for his nex message, 
an he wanted the facts to put in. So I telled him 
he mast give me a letter of authority that I might 
show the Seckatary of the Treasury, so that he 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 89 

would see that I warn't eny common chap coming 
to pry into what was none of my business. So 
Linkin sat down an writ a letter as follows : 

" Dear Sur : — Majer Jack Downing is author- 
ized to examine into the state of the financies in 
partickelar. 

" A. Linkin." 

Wen the Kernel first writ the letter, he didn't 
have on the last two words in italicks. I asked 
him to put 'em on, an he did. « Majer, what do 
you want them words for ?" " Wal," scs I, « Ker- 
nel, them words will puzzle Chase eenamost to 
death, an will so trubbel him that he will think ef 
he dares to keep back the truth, that you'll be sure 
to give him his walkin papers. You see, Kernel, 
you must be a little mysterous with these polly- 
ticians, or else they don't get afeered of you." 

I then put the letter in my hat, rite under the 
linin, an, takin my slate under my arm, and my 
hickory in my hand, I started for the Treasury 
buildin. It aint far from the White House, an I 
soon got there. It's a mity big pile of stones, I tell 
you, and must have cost a heep of money to have 
got it fixed up so nice. Jest as I was goin in 
the door, I met Mr. Chase comin out. He knew 
me an I knew him, tho' he didn't su?pect for a 
minnit what I was after. S.>< he, « Majer, I'm 



90 LETTERS OP 

mighty tickled to see you. It does my heart good 
to see a genuwine loyal man in these days of rebel- 
lyn, an I know you're one." " Wal," says I, " Mr. 
Seckatary, ef Ginneral Jackson was a loyal man, 
then I'm one, and ef he warn't loyal then there 
ain't eny sich thing as loyalty." Ses he, "Majer, 
you're rite, an what kin 1 do for you this mornin ?" 
" Wal," says I, " Mr. Seckatary, I've come around 
to inquire into the state of the fmancies. The 
President ses he's very busy, an bein as I was good 
at iigers, he wanted me to jest take a look at the 
books an see how the ackounts stand." 

Wen I sed this, I see he didn't look pleased at 
all. He began to make sum sort of apologies, that 
the ackounts were behindhand, and so on, but 1 
telled him I warn't partickelar about all the little 
items, an that I only wanted to get at the ginneral 
sum ; but as he still seemed to be hesitatin, thinks I 
to myself, now's the time to show him the Presi- 
dent's letter — that will fix him, sure. So I took 
off my hat and showed it to him. Wen he red it 
he was as per lite as a nigger wen he wants to 
humbug you. He looked at it a long time before 
he sed eny thing. Wen he did speak, ses he, 
" Major, what do these last words ' in partickelar ' 
mean?" " Wal," ses I, "I don't know as I can 
tell. The President put 'em in there, and I didn't 
ask him what he meant by 'em." You see, I 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 01 

warn't goin to bo fool enough to let him think I 
bad suggested his putting 'em there, for that would 
have spoilt all my plans. I see he was worried, an 
that was jest what I wanted. 

After that he asked me to come in his office, and 
he began to tell me that the fi nancies were in a 
very prosperous condishuu. He took down a big 
book which he sed his clarks had prepared for 
him, so that he could see every Saturday night jest 
how much much the Government was in debt. I 
took a look at it, but I couldn't tell head nor tail 
to it. He sed they kept their books by dubbel 
entry. I tellecl him that I should think that a sin- 
gle entry would be as many times as such a debt 
as ours ought to be chalked down. " Now," ses I, 
"Mr. Seckatary, I want to get at this subject in a 
way that ' plain people,' as the Kernel says, can 
understand it." Ses I, " what is the debt now ?" 
" Wal," ses he, " it is $491,000,000." « Is that 
all ?" ses I. " Why, in your report last winter you 
estimated that it would be $317,000,000, and you 
don't say that it is less than the estimate." " Wal," 
ses he, " Majer, that is what the books say." Now, 
ses I, Mr. Seckatary, them books by dubbel entry 
ain't worth a peck of saw-dust. There was !);•:- 
con Doolittle's son, Hosea, of Downingville, w 
went to York and set up the dry-goods business. 
Wen he failed, his books showed that he was worth 



92 LETTERS OP 

two hundred thousand dollars, and yet he didn't 
have money enough to get his wife hum to his 
father's. You see dubbel entry is a good deal like 
riding two horses at once ; you can't manage 'em, 
and things get so kinder mixed up in profit and loss, 
and notes payable and notes receevable, that you 
can't tell how you stand. "Now," ses I, "Mr. Seck- 
atary, I want to ask you some questshins by single 
entry, and I will but the ansers-down on the slate." 
Ses I, " Didn't you say in your report that the este- 
mate for the army was for 400,000 soldiers, $400,- 
000,000 ; for 500,000 soldiers, $500,000,000, and 
so on ?" " Yes, Majer, that was the statement, I 
beleeve." " Wal, now," ses I, "we can figer this 
down in short meter. How many soldiers have 
you had?" "Wal," ses he, "over 000,000 have 
been paid for, nigh about 700,000." " Now," ses 
I, " Mr. Seckatary, you don't want any dubbel 
entry, or threbbel entry to get at that; the multi- 
plicashun tabel is just as good a document as I 
want. Take that and my slate, and I ken figer it 
up in a minnit. You see, there is §700,000,000 at 
one slap. Your books may show what you have 
paid, but you see, Mr. Seckatary, you arc running 
this war on credit, and because you ain't paid all 
your debts, that is no sign that you won't have to. 
Besides," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, you have mafic, 
you know, some misealculashuns, and mcbby you 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 93 

may make more. In your first report in July, 1 8 r )l , 
I've ben reaclin it kecrfuily, and I've got it marked 
down on the slate here, you sed the expenses for 
18(32 would be §318,000,000, but in December, you 
said they would be $543,000,000. Now, here was 
mistake of over §200,000,000. You sed in July, 
the tariff Avould yield §57,000,000. In December 
you said you could not calculate on over §32,000,- 
000. You estemated the receipts from land sales, 
in July, at §3,000,000. You cut it down in De- 
cember to §2,300,000 ; and now Congress, by pas- 
sing the Homestead bill, will whittle it all off. 
Here, you see, are some great mistakes, but there 
are some on the other side of the account. There 
are some items of expenses, too, which you have 
omitted. There's the §30,000,000 recently passed 
to settle up Cameron's ackounts. Then there is a 
$100,000,000 of outstandin debts. Then there is 
§100 bounty to each soldier, which, by the time the 
war is over will amount to §100,000,000 anyhow. 
Then there is §1,000,000 given to buy the niggers 
in this District. Let us see how much that makes. 
I'll add it up— §250,000,000, which, added to the 
§700,000,000, makes §950,000,000, as the present 
debt Uncle Sam has on his shoulders. You might 
just as well call it a Thousand Million of Dol- 
lars and be done with it. 5 * 

Wen I got through, the Seckatary looked ama- 



94 LETTERS OF 

zin reel in the face, and ses he, " Majer, the truth 
is, where there is so many peopul spendin money 
its mity hard to keep track of all the items." 
" Wal," ses I, " there ain't only one more pint on 
which I want to show you you have made a mis- 
take. In December lost, you calkelatcd that the 
war expenses for 18G3 would be $360,000,000, but 
the House has already passed bills for the army 
amounting to $520,000,000. Then you thought, 
Mr. Seckatary, that the war would be ended by 
July, but here it is about that time, and we only 
seem to be jest fairly getting into the shank of the 
fight." 

" Wal, to tell the truth, Majer, this war has clis- 
appinted the hull of us, but I think I havn't been 
so foolish as Seward. I never seel it would end in 
'sixty days.' " 

" That's so," ses I, " but you see there's nothin 
like tellin the truth rite out, and its alius very bad 
to deceive the people on money matters. You may 
love the niggers, Mr. Seckratary, as much as you 
want to, but don't try to pull the wool over white 
folks' eyes, or let other people do it, for it will 
break down the administration as sure as my name 
is Majer Jack Downing." 

"Wal," ses he, "Majer, that's so, and when I 
send in my next report, I'm goin to jest speak 
rite out. I've tried to do my best to keep down 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 95 

expenses, but I can't, and when T get another 
chance I'me goin to put the blame where it be- 
longs." 

Ses I, " that's rite, Mr. Seekratary. Don't let 
the raskils git clear without bein exposed. But ef 
you undertake to cover up their tracks, you will 
come out jest as old Squire Biddle did in that 
United States Bank matter." 

I then bid the Scckratary " good mornin," and 
started back to the White House. He was very 
perlite to me, and said he hoped the President and 
me would look at the subjcck favorably. I telled 
him that the Kernel would do what was jest rite, 
and that ef he would only keep a sharp lookout 
on the plunderers and stealers, I would be his 
friend till deth. He sod he would, and we shook 
hands and parted. 

Wen I got back Linkin sot in a cheer fast 
asleep, with his feet up on a tabel. I giv the tabel 
a rap with my hickory, and the Kernel stratcned 
up jest like openin a jack nife, and ses he, " was 
I asleep, Majer ?" " Yes, jest as solid as a saw- 
log. What on arth makes you sleep," ses I, " rite 
in the middle of the day ?" " Wal," ses lie, " Ma- 
jer, the truth is, I was readin the Nashinal Intelli- 
gencer /" " Sure enuf," ses I, " that's worse than 
opium." " But," says he, " what about the finan- 
ces ?" Then I showed him the slate, and how I 



96 LETTERS OF 

had figered up the debt, and told him all I sed to 

Mr. Chase. I never see a man so flustrated as 
Linkin was. " Wal," ses he, " Majer, ef I was 
only back to Illinoy safe and sound, you wouldn't 
never ketch me a runnin for President agin. I 
had no idee that the debt was anything like this. 
But ef the music has to be faced, I'll face it. 
There's one thing, Majer, that we've got the ad- 
vantage of any other administrashin in. We can 
say that this debt was a 'military necessity!' 
That cuts off debate." " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, 
perhaps the people will be satisfied with that, and 
perhaps they won't. Any how, that won't make it 
any easier to pay the taxis." "Wal," says Lin- 
kin, " we'll leave that subjec to posterity." Ses 
I, " is that fair, Kernel, to burden posterity in 
that fashun ?" " Wal," ses he, " what's posterity 
ever done for us ?" 

The Kernel then took down the figers off my 
slate in his book, and sed he would keep 'em for 
his nex message. 

Then Linkin, ses he, ;c Majer, you've worked 
like a nailer on these figers, an it's an awful dry 
an tough subjec. So I think you better have some 
old rye to sort of top off with." Then he called 
the feller in purty bad clothes, who does arrands, 
and telled him to bring out the black bottle. 
"Now, Majer," ses the Kernel, "take a good 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 97 

swig. It will be healthy for your rumatiz. As 
for mo, I'll jest take a little for company sake. I 
don't drink myself, you know, Major, but I like to 
have a little old rye aroun ; an I alius tell the old 
woman ef there's eny of it missin not to ask eny 
qucstshins." After we got dun drinking, ses I, 
" Kernel, I have been here with you ever sence 
the 1st of February, an wen I cum I didn't expec 
to stay more than a month. Now, the 4th of July 
is comin along close at hand, an I must be think- 
ing about gettin back to Downingville, for I must 
be there before the 4th. Now," ses I, " Kernel, 
ef you'll onlv <ro alono; with me down there, as 
Ginneral Jackson did, I'll promise you a great 
reccpshun." 

" Wal," ses he, " Majer, I can't go. The truth 
is, the rebils need watchin. But you tell the Dow- 
ningville folks that jest as soon as the rebelyun is 
put down, I'm comin down ther. A town that can 
turn out such a loyall regiment as the ' Downing- 
ville Insensibles,' and such talented officers as In- 
sine Stcbbins, must be, as we Westerners say, ' a 
heep of a place.' I'm sorry to have you go, Ma- 
jor, but I hope you'll be able to cum back alter 
the nashiuul annyversary." 

" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I can't promis, but I'll 
see how my rumatiz gets on." 

I shall pack up in a few days, onicss somethii) 
5 



98 LETTERS OF 

onexpccted occurs, and it may be the next time 
you heer from me, will be from Downingville. If 
you print this letter, I hope you'll apologize for its 
dullness, for figgers are mity dry readin for most 
peepel. However, ef they don't study into figgers 
about these days, it won't be long, I'me afeered. 
before they'll be sorry they didn't. 
Your frend, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 1)9 



LETTER XI. 

TJie Major Does not go to Downingville — Loses His Hickory — Gets 
a Bottle of Whiskey by Adams Express Co. — The Major De- 
clines to Sign the Receipt at First — Whiskey and the Consti* 
tut ion — " The Constitushinal Teliskope''' — A Magical Change 
— Mr. Seward's Trick — Hie Major Discovers it — A Negro in 
It. 

Washington, June 18, 1862. 
To the Editers. of the Cawcashin : 

Sues : — I expect you'll be struck all aback to 
git finuther letter from me, elated Washington, 
and I*m kinder surprised myself, for I expected to 
be in Downingville, long afore this. But you'll 
see by the time you git through this letter, that it 
was impossibul for me to leave. I got my trunks 
all packed up and ready to start, when lo ! and 
beheld, my hickery, that Ginneral Jackson give 
me, was missin ! Now, I couldn't no more travil 
without my hickory cane then I could soddcr up 
this broken Union with skim milk. I told Linkin 
I was all ready, but that my hickery was missin. 
So he called the feller in putty bad close, who 
docs chores around the White House, and asked 
Uiiii if he'd seen it? He sed he hadn't. Then I 
reckollected that there had been a Cabbynet meet- 



S 00 LETTERS OF 

in the night before, and it struck me tnat some of 
the members had walked off with it. So Linkin 
sent the toiler around to see. After he'd gone, I 
told Linkin ef any of 'em had it that I'd bet it was 
Stantin, for ses I, " Kernel, ever sense he tried to 
get on your trowsers down to Fort Monrow, he's 
acted jest as ef he wanted to play Ginneral Jack- 
son, and ef he can git a piece of hickery that the 
old Ginneral has handled, he'd think that he was 
on the road to glory." Sure enuf he had it, but 
pretended it was all a mistake, jest as he did 
when I caught him in the Kernel's trowsers. De- 
pend upon it, Stantin needs watchin, for he is one 
of them kind of fellers who's got it into ther head 
that they are forordained for somethin, and they 
don't know what. 

The loss of my hickery kept me over one day 
longer, and the next clay I got the bottle of Bore- 
bon whiskey which you sent to me. A feller by 
the name of Adams fetched it, and he wouldn't 
take any pay for his trubble either. I asked him 
ef he was eny relashin to Phil Adams, who used 
to keep a tanyard in Downingville, as he was a 
very clever man, and used to do eny thing for his 
naybors for nothin. The chap laughed rite out 
loud at this, and sed " he didn't see it." Ses I, 
" what don't you see ?" " Wal," sed he, " never 
mind, old feller, about tellin long stories, but jest 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 101 

put your name rite down there," and he handed 
out a big book full of writin. Ses I, " Mr. 
Adams, I never put my name to enything that I 
don't understand." Ses I, "that may be a secesh 
docyment for all I know." Ses the feller, ses he, 
" Git out ! this is only a receipt for that bottle." 
"Wal," ses I, "ef that's all, then here goes." 
So I got my spectacles and a quill pen, for I 
never rite with eny of the new-fangled kinds, and 
I jest rote out " Majer Jack Downing " in a stile 
that made the fellow stare. Ses I, " Mr. Adams, 
you have some awful poor riters among the feller* 
you deal with, but I ain't ashamed of that ritin 
enywhere." The chap he looked at it a moment, 
and then he looked at me, and finally ses he, 
" Bully for yon," and in a jiffy he was off, without 
even shakin hands or sayin good by. 

After he was gone I took the bottle into Lin- 
kin's room and opened it. Now, ses I, Kernel, 
let's try this licker." " Wal," ses he, " Major, 
I'm a good judge of Borebon, for it comes from 
my old State of Kentuck." Wen Linkin saw the 
name on the bottle, " Mr. Cotton, 30(3 Washing- 
ton street, N. Y.," ses he, " Major, do you think 
this is loyal wiskey ?" " Why," ses I, " Kernel, 
what makes you ask that questshin ?" " Wal," 
ses he, " don't you see the man's name is Cotton /" 
" Now," ses I, " Kernel, what an idee that is ! 



102 LETT ions OF 

Do you suppose it would bo dangerous for him to 
live down in Secesh, where they are burning cotton 
as fast as they kin ? " Wal, never mind the 
name, Majer, let us taste of the wiskey. I can 
tell whether its loyal or not." So I opened the 
bottle and poured out some, and the Kernel took 
a good swig. I also took a snifter, and we both 
pronounced it A No. 1 licker, and loyal, too. 
"Now," ses I, Kernel, can you tell me why this 
wiskey is like the Constitushin of the United 
States ?" " No," ses he, " 1 don't see eny simu- 
larity." u Wal," ses I, " Kernel, this wiskey was 
made for White Men, jest as the Constitushin was." 
Ses he, " Majer, how do you know it was made for 
white men?' "Wal," see I, "it is jest as plain 
to me as daylight. You see, Kernel, the licker 
agrees with you. It tastes good. It won't hurt 
you ; in a word, it corresponds with natur. That's 
a sign it was made for you. Jest so it was with 
the Constitushin. It applies to white men exact- 
ly, and they've always got along together with it 
fust rate. Now, you give this wiskey to the 
niggers, and they get drunk on it, and cut up all 
sorts of scrapes, but white men, whom it was 
made for, know jest how to use it, and it don't 
do them eny hurt. Jest so with the Constitu- 
shin ; you apply it to niggers and it is jest as bad 
for 'em as wiskey. They don't know how to uso 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 103 

it, an they'll destroy everything, an make them- 
selves an everybody else ten times worse off." 
"Wal," ses the Kernel, ses he, u Mnjer, I wish I 
could see how it is that the Constitushin don't 
apply to niggers jest as much as to white men." 
Ses I, •« Kernel, you don't look at the Constitu- 
shin thru constitushinal spectacles. That Chi- 
cago Platform bothers you." Now, ses I, " Ker- 
nel, el' I'll make you a Constitushinal Tellskope, 
will you promise me to use it? If you will, it 
will be about as good a guide to you as ef I staid 
here all summer myself?" Ses I, " it will show 
the " Constitushin as it is, an the Union as it 
was." Wen I spoke of this, Linkin scd he'd be 
tickled eenamost to deth ef I would make him one. 
So I told him I could do it in one day, an that al- 
though I was very anxus to get hum, yet I'd fix 
this up before I started. So I jest went up to my 
room and began to plan. I had a pair of old 
spectacles, which Ginneral Jackson give me, and 
I knew that the glasses were jest as sound consti- 
tushinal glasses as were ever looked thru. So I 
took 'em out of the cases, an got a magnify in 
glass and put between 'em, an fixed 'em in a long, 
narrer box. It took me about all day before I 
got it finished. Wen it was all done, I looked 
thru it, and you never see sech a glorious site. I 
could see jest as ef it was the hull Union lay in 



104 LETTERS OF 

out before me. There was the Stars and Stripes, 
an the eagle, an thirty millions of white people, 
all happy an contented, an joy an prosperity smil- 
in everywhere. An the sky seemed to be bendin 
down so as to almost tech the artli, an away up in 
the clouds I could see rais of light streemin forth, 
an I thought I could even see the angil robes of 
Washington, an Jefferson, an Madison, and the 
old Ginneral lookin down, an rite over the hull 
was the words, " Glory" and "Peace," in grate 
big letters. It was raley beautiful. I got a 
lookin at it, an forgot all about myself, in a sort 
of a reveree, and wen I cum to, I found I'd been 
cry in, because, you see, that was the Union «; it 
was, an not as it is now. In fact, wen I got 
awake, I found it was eenamost pitch -dark, an so 
Linkin couldn't look thru the Teliskope that nite. 
Then I got a piece of chalk, an marked it " Lin- 
kin's Teliskope," an took it to him. 

" There," ses I, " Kernel, that Teliskopeis done, 
an to-morrow you kin take a look at the Union 
as it was, an the Constitushin as it is." Ses I, 
" the scene is a glorious one." So I left the Tel- 
iskope in Linkin's room that nite, an went to bed. 

The next morning after I got my breakfast, I 
went in, " and now," ses I, "Kernel, we must try 
the Teliskope.' So I thought I'd look thru fust 
to sec ef the glasses were set all rite, wen I was 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 105 

never so took aback in my life. Instead of the 
joy and happiness, and the smilin faces, and the 
thirty millions of white people, the rais of lite in 
the sky with " Glory and Peace " on em, all was 
dark and dismal. All I could see was some 
4,000,000 of niggers, and war, and bloodshed, 
and misery, camps full of sick sojers and broken 
waggons, wimmen and children cryin, and the sky 
was black, and away up on a black cloud, in let- 
ters still blacker, I could see the words " Negro 
Freedom and War." 

I jumped back as ef I was hit wen I saw it. 
Ses Linkin, " What's the matter, Major ?" Ses I, 
" Kernel, that Tcliskope is all out of order. It 
ain't rite." But Linkin sed he hadn't teched it, 
so I was puzzled. So after thinkin awhile, ses I, 
" Kernel, was there enybody here last nite after 
I went away!" "Yes," ses he, '-Boss Seward 
came in for a while and talked over matters." 
Ses I, "did he tech this?" "Wal, he was 
lookin kinder inquirin at it, and I telled him 
what it was, and he seemed to be grately struck, 
and examined it very clus." 

" No," ses I, " that ackounts for it. The pesky 
critter has been playin one of his cunnin tricks on 
me ; but my name ain't Jack Downing ef I don't 
expose him. No true constitushinal Tcliskope 
will giv such a view as that of the Union." So 



106 LETTERS OF 

I sot down and took out my jack nife, and went to 
work takin it all apart. I found the box all rite ; 
there warnt enything in the tube, and I was puz- 
zlin myself what could be the matter, when I 
slipped up the magnifying glass, and rite back of 
it was a little bit of a paper nigger, black as the 
ace of spades, that that feller Seward had cun- 
ninly slipped in there ! You see that at once 
ackountcd for the hull troubbel, for the magnifin 
glass reflected the nigger instead of what it would, 
naterally, the white man. After I took the nig- 
ger out, it was all rite agin, and wen Linkin 
looked thru it, he was perfectly astonished. 
"Now ,' ses I, " Kernel, you see that it is tryin 
to put the nigger where he don't belong that is 
the cause of all our trubbel. He don't belong in 
the Constitushin, and when we undertake to put 
him "ther it won't work. This trick of Seward's 
jest shows you what he's up to. Now, Kernel, 
I'm going to start for Downingville arly to-mor- 
row mornin, and I'll leave you this Teliskope so 
you can take a look at the Union as it was, and 
don't you let Seward or Sumner, or any of them fel- 
lers, get hold of it. Wen you get puzzled, jest 
go and look thru that, and you may depend upon 
it it will lead you strate. If you get inter eny 
deep troubbel, write me and I'll give you my ad- 
vice, or ef you can't get along without me, I'll 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 107 

come back after the Fourth is over, and stay with 
you till you get out of this scraps with the rebils. 
I told you I would stick to you, and I will." So 
I bid good bye to the Kernel and his wife that 
nite, reddy to start in the early train in the 
mornin. 

I intend to give you a full ackount of the cele- 
brashin of the Fourth at Downingville. Insine 
Stebbins, of the Downingville Insensibles, who 
writ the piece of poetry on Mrs. Linkin's ball, 
and who was wounded at Chickenhoniiny and cum 
hum with a furlong, is to be orater of the occa- 
shin. Jerusha Matilda Jenkins, the darter of 
Deacon Jenkins, and who went down to Port 
Roile to teech the contrarybands their primers, 
will also be there. The Insine is a very smart 
chap, ef he is a niggcrite, and I expect he'll do 
himself creditable. 

Excuse this long letter, and beleeve me 
Yours till deth, 

Majeii Jack Downing. 



108 LETTERS OF 



LETTER XII. 

T}ie Major Disappointed— Meets the President at West Point — 
Sees Gen. Scott — They Talk over Strategy — Returns to Phila- 
delphia with the President — Makes a Speech at Jersey City — 
Mr. Lincoln also Speaks — Meets Seward at the Astor House — 
A Wheel within a WJieel- — Mr. Seward Caught. 

Downingville, July 5, 1862. 
To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 

I don't beleeve ther is eny thing that so sorter 
gets all my runnin-gear out of order as onsartin- 
ty. Wen I writ you last, I was jest leavin Wash- 
ington, and wen you come to hear how I've scooted 
round the country sence, you will be astonished. 
You see I hurried on hum as fast as I could go, 
because I wanted to get to Downingville in time 
to see that the arrangements for the 4th were o:ot 
up in the rite stile. But wen I got to Boston, I 
was struck all up in a heep by gettin a telliegraff 
from Linkin, tellin me not to go eny further till I 
heerd from him. That puzzled me terri bully, and 
I was in an awful state of onsartinty. Thinks I 
to myself, now there's sumthin up. What on artb 
can it be ? Has that feller Stantin been cuttin 
up eny more of his capers ? But I was so puzzled 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 109 

that I couldn't imagin wat was to pay. But I 
waited a few days, and then I got a letter from 
the Kernel, in which he sed he wanted me to meet 
him at West Pint with Ginneral Scott, as ther was 
sum grate struttygy goin on which he wanted to 
advise about. Then I knowed ther was sum trub- 
bel sumwher, so I jest packed up my trunks and 
tuk the ralerocle for Allbanee, so as to cum down 
the North River to West Pint. I got ther in the 
nite, jest afore Linkin cum, arly in the mornin. 

I didn't sleep a wink, but jest went rite over 
the river in the one hoss ferry-bote they've got 
there, and waited at the depow for the Kernel. 
He was eenamost as glad to see me as he was wen 
I fust went to Washington. He tuk me by the 
hand, and ses he, "Majer, I feel a good deal safer 
wen you're around, for I know you won't deceeve 
me." Ses I, " Kernel, that's what I never do to 
eny man. Ef he don't like my plane talk, then he 
needn't heer it, but ef I talk at all, I must talk out 
the blunt truth." " Wal," ses he, " Majer, we 
will go over and see the old Ginneral, and then I 
will lay all my trubbel before you." 

After we got our brakefast, we went to the old 
GinneraFs room, and, takin out the maps, we went 
at it. I never studied geographee las? it in my 
life than we did then. The Kernel sed the news 
from Ginneral McClellan was that he would be 



110 LETTERS OP 

compelled to go to the Jeemes River for his sup- 
plize, and the grate questshin was, whether he cud 
turn his riffht wing around so as to swing agin the 
river jest like opening a barn dore. Ginneral 
Scott sed he thought it mite be done, provided it 
was done quick cnuff. I tellecl em I heel often no- 
ticed that wen I opened one barn dore all at once 
there would cum a gust of wind, an open would go 
the other in spite of all I could do. Ses I, " Kernel, 
ef the rebels should pitch at the left v/ing while 
the rite is swingin, then both dores would be open, 
an they might both get off the hinges." Ginneral 
Scott sed he was afrade it might work that way, 
but cf the thing cum to the worst, he didn't see eny 
help for it. You see, the army nigh Richmond 
was in a tite fix, an Linkin knew it. Wen the 
Kernel telled Ginneral Scott how it was, the old 
man cried, and sed he didn't want to live to see 
the rebils whip that grate army. The whole coun- 
try have been in a grate fogo about what Linkin 
went to see Scott about, but that was all. Wen 
he went away the next day, he sed he wanted me 
to see Seward, an ef Ginneral McClellan got de- 
feated, advise with Mm as to what to do. So I went 
with the Kernel back as far as Filadelfy, where I 
thought I stop a few days to see how things would 
turn out. Wen we got to Jarsey City, the people 
wanted the Kernel to make a speech. He sed first 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. Ill 

he wouldn't go out, but finally the cheers got so 
loud that I tolled him he must go. " Wal," ses 
he, " Majer, I can't. You jest go and tell em that 
I am too tired." So I stepped out on the platform 
and swingin my hickery around, ses I, " Feller-citi- 
zens, the President has been up two or three nites 
travellin, and he ain't abil to speak. You must 
excuse him." Wen they heered that, it didn't Suit 
em at all, and a good meny yelled out, " who arc 
you ?" Then I remembered that I had forgot to tell 
em who I was. Ho I stepped out, and ses I, (( Vine 
Majer Jack Downing." Then you had oug ,t to 
hev heered em cheer, and Linkin, you know is a 
queer feller, and wants to know all that's goi x on, 
so he cum out to see what was the matter, j Jter 
he cum out, of course, he couldn't back out of a 
little speech. He sed he " jest cum out to sej and 
be seen, and didn't intend to blab enything about 
public affairs." The whistle soon sounded, and 
off we went. Nothing happened on the w iy, and 
I bid the Kernel good bye in Filadelfy, and went 
to the Continental Hotel to wait and see how the 
battle cum off. They have nigger waiters hsre, 
dressed up like Quakers, and that is the ren.son 
they call it a Continental hotel— so they say. 

In a few days I saw how tlie battle had turned, 
and I knew Seward would be along. The Kernel 
sent me a telliegraff that he would be at the Aster 



112 LETTERS OF 

House such a clay, and I agreed to meet him there. 
I was determined to smoke the old fox out this 
time, ef it was in my power, and so I began to 
study him. Weed was there, who thinks he is 
very cunnin, and Governor Morgan and others. 
McClellan bein compelled to retreat from Rich- 
mond, they all thought that France and England 
would interfere, and what was to be done ? Sew- 
ard sed we must put the best face on matters we 
could, and raise more men to fight the rebils, and 
that by showin a bold front we might frighten off 
the Uropean powers. He sed he thought it might 
all be settled in " sixty days " yet, and ef Mc- 
Clellan couldn't settle it by fightin, he could by 
deeplomacy. He sed " he would run the machine 
as long as ther was a linchpin left, and let John 
Bull and Looe Napoleon do their best." Weed 
wanted to know, ef we had a war with England, 
wether it wouldn't be better to have it carried on 
by contrack. He thought the government might 
let it out and make money by the operashin. He 
sed he could furnish the powder and shoddy, and 
wouldn't charge over five per cent, commission. 
Gov. Morgan sed he was in favor of a war with 
England, and as it would be mostly a naval fight, 
the government would need a good menny vessels, 
and he had a brother who was a capital judge of 
sich matters. Stetson sed he thought a war with 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 113 

England would improve bizness in York, specially 
hotel-keepin, and as the Aster House was handy 
down town, it would be a first-rate place for offi- 
cers' head-quarters. 

After they all got through, they asked me my 
opinion. I turned rite to Mr. Seward, and ses I, 
" Boss, I'm goin to speak plane." Ses he, " that's 
rite, Majer. No one can find fault with you. 
You're a loyal man, and you've a rite to speak your 
mind." " Now," ses I, " in the first place, Boss, 
I want to ask you a plane questshin. We all know 
you are runnin the government machine, and when- 
ever I look at a machine, I want to know what 
the drivin wheel is made of. You see if that is 
all rite, things will go putty nigh rite." Ses Sew- 
ard, ses he, '• Majer, I've got a model of my ma- 
chine here, and ef you would like to look at it you 
kin." So he took out a little curious-looking box, 
and out of the box a machine. It was a cute- 
lookin affair. " There," ses he, " do you see that 
big wheel ? — that's the drivin wheel." I looked 
at it, an I see it was marked aroun the rim, " The 
Union and the Constitushin." " Wal," ses I, 
" Boss, that looks all rite. Eny machine that runs 
on that basis must bo runnin rite. " But," ses I, 
" somehow it don't seem to work well. We ought 
not to get into so much trubbil ef we were jest 
runnin on the old constitushinal 1 > m ^ i - . " "* " Wal," 



114 LETTERS OP 

scs he, " Majer, you see so it is." " Now," ses I, 
" Boss, there's some thin rong sumwhere. Either 
the ile is poor or the stuff is bad, or our govern- 
ment machine od that basis would run jest as slick 
as greese." 

The more I looked at the machine the more it 
puzzled me. I knew what a fox Seward was, an I 
remembered how he stuck the little nigger in Lin- 
kin's Teliskopc. So all at once the old sayin that 
" there's allers a wheel within a wheel," popped 
into my hed. I didn't say it out loud, but I sed, 
ses I, " Boss, will you let me see whether there 
ain't sumthin rong about that ?" Ses he, " Sar- 
tinly, Majer — go ahed." So I jest out with my 
jack knife an went at it. I tuck it all apart. Wen 
I went at the wheel I saw the Boss begin to wince, 
but I went rise on, an purty soon I saw, sure 
enough, the outside wheel was only a sham, for the 
rale wheel which run the government machine was 
marked "Higher Law — Abolition." "Now,' 
scs I, "Boss Seward, I'm done with you. Here's 
a wheel within a wheel, jest as I expected. It 
shows what an infarnal hypocrite you are, and ef 
you're a mind to lite John Bull or the South, or 
all the world, as long as you run on that wheel, I 
won't help you." So I jest tuck my hickery an 
went out of the room. You never see such a 
dumbfounded, scart set of men in your life, an Sew- 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 115 

ard looked as ef he would craul through an 
auger hole. I cum rite on after that to Downing- 
yille, but I didn't get here in time to see about the 
arrangements. The Insine made his orashin and 
Jerusha sung the oacl prepared for the occashin. 
My letter is so long that I can't tell you enything 
about it, but wen I rite agin I may, ef sumthin 
more important don't happen. 

Yours, till deth, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



116 LETTERS OF 



LETTER XIII. 

The Major Returns to Washington — Thinr/s Get Mixed Up — Lin- 
' coin and the Panther — Spliltin Rails and the Union — The 
Major and the President Visit Gen. McClellan's Army — 
Going up James River — Alarm of the Rebels — Exciting Scene 
on Board the Boat — Nobody Hurt — The President Reviews the 
Troops at ITarrison\s Landing — The Return Trip — The Pres- 
ident and Party Bathe in the Potomac — Almost a Catastrophe 
— The Major's Lift-Preserver — The Moral of it — The Presi- 
dent Proposes a Conundrum. 

Washington, July 21, 1852. 
To the Editers of the Cawcashin : 

Weal, here I am back agin to Washington. I 
didn't expect to cum on before fall, at eny rate, 
but I got a letter from Linkin, tellin me he 
couldn't do without me, no how. He sed that the 
bars were all down since I left, and that the cat- 
tle, an bosses, an hogs, an sheep, an mules, were 
all mixed up together. Now, every farmer knows 
what a mess it makes of it wen you git fat cattle, 
an the cows, an the sheep, an bosses, an hogs, all 
muddled together in one lot, I see, at once, the 
pickle Linkin was in, an so I determined to push 
off for Washington once more, an see cf I couldn't 
help him out. It was oncommon hot wether, an it 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 117 

pulled down purty hard on a constitushin which 

has had to go thru about eighty sich summers. 
Howsoever, no one ought to stand about hot wether 
in the sarvicc of his country, even ef he don't git 
a salary, or have a contrack, or some brother or 
son where he kin make a pile. I never had a cent 
for all I've clone, and wouldn't take it. I think, 
ef there is any human critter on arth who is 
meaner than another, it is the one who plunders 
the people, all the -while purtending to be a pat- 
riot. Wen I arriv, ses I, " Kernel, what's the 
matter ?" Ses he, " Major, did you ever hear of 
the story of a man who caught a panther by the 
tail?" Ses I, "Yes, Kernel, I have." « Wal," 
ses he, " I'm that man. I've got the biggest he- 
panther by the tail that you ever heerd tell of. 
Ef I was splittin rails I'de know jist what to do." 
" Why," ses I, " Kerncl,what could you do then ?" 
" Wal," ses he, "jest stick his tail in the crack of 
the log, knock out the wedge, and run. But you 
see, Majer, I ain't splittin rails now, an that plan 
won't work." "Now," ses I, " Kernel, you ain't 
splittin rails, but I'm afeerd you're splittin some- 
thin else." Ses he, "What?" Ses I, "The 
Union!" "Now, Majer," ses the Kernel, "you 
don't think I want to split the Union, do you ?" 
" No," ses I, " I don't know as you're raley tryin 
to split it, but then you've been such a splitter all 



118 LETTERS OF 

your life, that perhaps you are doin it unbeknown 
to yourself. You see, Kernel, as long as you stick 
to them Abolishinists, jest so long the Union will 
not only stay split, but the split will grow wider. 
They are the wedge an you are the mallet. You jest 
knock the wedge out, an the Union will cum to- 
gether jest like shuttin up a jack-nife. You sec, 
they hold that some of the States have got an in- 
stitushin which they consider rong, and they are 
detarmined to uproot it. In tryin to do that, 
they'll split everything ail to smash, an by the 
time they get thru, it will look as ef lightnin had 
struck this country from Maine to Texas, in spots 
not more than six inches apart." 

" Wal," ses the Kernel, ses he, " Majer, that 
brings up a great moral questshin, as the nigger 
said when he was stealin chickens, an we ain't got 
time to discuss it now. You see, Majer, I sent 
for you to know what I better do about McGlellan. 
I git all sorts of contradictory stories from his 
army, an I'm puzzled most to deth to know what 
to do." " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, there's nothin 
like goin in the field yourself, an examine for 
yourself cf you want to know how things stand." 
" Wal," ses he, " that's jest what I've been thinkin 
of, an as you're a military man, I wanted you to 
go with me." I telled him I had no objecshin to 
goin, an that ef I had a fair chance I thought I 



MAJOR ^JACK DOWNING. 119 

could tell about how things looked. So we sot 
reddy, and the Kernel asked old Blair's son 
Frank and Sekertary Stantin's chief dark to go 
along with us. We went down the Potomack, an 
jest called at Fort Monro w, and then went up the 
Jeems River to Harrisin Landin. Goin up the 
river we kept a sharp look-out for the rebils, who 
line the bank and shoot at our botes. I told the 
Kernel that he must be mitey kcrful an not get 
hit, as the way stocks would tumble in Wall street 
would be a caushin. So I tuk him down stairs 
wen we come to the dangerous .places. There they 
had the bote lined with bales of hay. Ses he, 
"Majer, which way does the shootin cum from?" 
"Wal,"ses I, " Kernel, there's no tellin, but," 
ses I, " you better get behind that bale, for it's a 
big one, an here's another on t'other side, so I guess 
you'll be safe." While he was settin there, ses 
he, " Majer, I ain't afeercl a hooter, but you see 
I didn't want them seecshcrs to brag about killin 
me." " No," ses I, " Kernel, that wouldn't do 
eny how." Jest then st bang" went sumthiu like 
a shot. The Kernel jumped about ten feet, rite 
across the bote, and hit Frank Blair with his left 
boot rite where he ought not to. Frank thought 
he'd been struck with a cannon-ball, and tumbled 
over, leavin the seat of honor uppermost. Stan- 
tin's chief dark acted as ef he'd been eatin poke- 



120 LETTERS OF 

berries, and had an awful gripin in the bowels. It 
seems one of the bales of hay had been tipped 
over when the Kernel give his big jump, an hit the 
chap rite in bis bread-basket. We were all purty 
badly scart, for I tell you it makes a feller feel 
mighty narvous wen he's in an inemies country, an 
may be hit eny moment with a cannon-ball or a 
Minny bullet. Shootin will do very well as long 
as sumbocly else is shot at ; but wen it cums to 
yourself, it makes you feel week in the jints, an 
sumtimes brings on the die-area. Wen we cum to 
find out, however, we learned we had a scare for 
nothin. The pilot, in turning one of the short 
bends in the river, had jerked on his chains too 
hard, an snapped one of them rite in two. This 
noise was what sounded down in the cabin like a 
shot. 

Wen we got to the landin, Ginneral McClellan 
had hosses reddy for all of us to ride. Linkin 
chose a black one, and got on. Ses I, " Ker- 
nel, is black your favorite color ?" Ses he, 
" Majer, no joking now. This is serious bisi- 
ness." So I got a white one. I can't ride quite 
so handy as I did thirty or forty years, yet it is not 
every nag that could throw me now. Linkin's 
sterrups were too short for his legs, though they 
were let out jest as long as they could be. It 
kinked him up a good deal, an before we got through 



MAJOjR JACK DOWNING. 121 

reviewing the troops, ses he, " Majer, I can't stand 
this bendinof myjints. I'm going to remedy it;" 
and so he jest turned one leg over the hoss's neck 
and rode sideways the rest of the time. The sojers 
cheered him as we went along, an seemed mity 
glad to sec him. In one place he got up on a 
brestwork an made a short speech to 'em. He 
wound up by telling 'em that he had Majer Jack 
Downing, Ginneral Jackson's old trend, with him. 
When he sed that, the cheers were dubbled, an I 
paid my respects to the complyment by takin off 
my hat an makin jest about the neetest how that 
ever was. 

After we had seen all the troops an made all thj 
inquiries we wanted to, we cum away. The se- 
scshcrs did not trubbel us comin down the river, 
an we soon once more were sailin up the Poto- 
mack. Comin up the river the day was warm, an 
we all felt first rate that McClellan was as well 
off as he was; the Kernel said he felt jesl as if he 
would like to have a swim. All hands agreed it 
would be a capital chance, an so Linkin, and Blair, 
and Stantin's chief dark, undressed for a splurge 
in the w r ater. The Kernal asked me to go in too, 
but I tolled him that, hot as it was, my rumatiz 
would not allow it. Wen they got about reddy, 
now, ses I, " Kernel, look out and don't go where 
the water is too deep, for if you get tuckered out 
6 



122 LETTERS OF 

or have the cramp, you may not get back to the 
bote." lie sed " there warnt eny danger — that he 
hed swum the Mississippi River nigh about all over 
wen he was a boy, and that he guessed he could 
stand the Potomack." So off they went. Linkin 
could outswim the hull party, and Blair an the 
other feller with him looked like sunfish alongside 
a sturgeon. I thought likely Linkin mite overdo 
himself, or get the cramp or sumthin, so I jest 
went to my valese and tuk out my patent gutty 
perchy life-preserver. 1 ment to have it redely if 
eny thing happened. Wal, I hadn't more than got 
back to the side of the bote, wen I seed the Ker- 
nel flounderin and kickin, and blowin, as ef he 
was chokin. 

Blair and Stantin's chief dark were tryin to help 
him, but it was like the blind ledin the blind, an 
sech another muss in the water you never did 
see. I saw it was time for my life-preserver, so 
I jest blowed it up and hollered out to Linkin to 
ketch bold of it, an told Blair an the other feller 
to let him alone, that that would save him. Wen 
Linkin got hold of it he jest raised himself rite 
up, an looked as happy as a boy with a new hat. 
He floated rite along towards the bote, an soon 
cum aboard. Ses he, " Major, I owe you a debt 
of etarnal gratitude You've saved my life." Ses 
he, " Major, this life-preserver of yours is th 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 123 

greatest article ever invented. Wen I get dressed 
I want to examine it." So, party soon, he cum in, 
an scs he, " Let's take a good look at it." So I 
showed it to him. The first thing he saw on 
one side of it was the following words : " The 
Constitution as it is, and the Union as it was.*' Ses 
he, " Major, what have you got that motto on a 
life-preserver for ?" " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I 
put that there because of the similarity between 
the two things. Now, that preserver saved your 
life, didn't it?" "Yes," ses he, " Majer, it did." 
"Wal, the sentiment in those icords is the life-pre- 
server of the country. You can't any more save the 
country without stickin to them, than you could 
have saved yourself without holdin on to the life- 
preserver. You must stick to the Constitution as 
it is, and not as Sumner and Greeley want it." 
The Kernel began to look kinder struck up wen 
he see how I had him, an so, scein my advantage, 
I kept on. Scs I, " Kernel, the truth is, you are 
just now in swimmin with Greeley, an Sumner, an 
Wilson, an Lovejoy, an Thad. Stevens, an it is no 
wonder the country is like you was jest now, 
chokin and gaspin, and just reddy to sink. You 
must git out of such kumpany, an the only way to 
do it is to lay hold of the " Constilushin as it is" 
and cf you do that, you'll save the country jest as 
easy as I saved you with that life-preserver." Ses 



124 LETTERS OF 

he, " Majer, hold up, you're drivin your hoss rite 
into my stable, an you don't give me a chance to 
say whoa." Ses I, " Kernel, go ahed, an ef you 
can remte what I've sed, I'd like to see you." 
Ses he, "Majer, do you know why a man's face is 
like the eend of an old-fashioned house ?" Ses I, 
" no, Kernel, can't say I do," " Wal," ses he, 
" because it's his gabble eend." " Wal," ses I, 
" that may be a good joke, but after all, Kernel, 
it don't answer my arguments." But I couldn't 
get another word on politics out of Linkin that 
day. He seemed to keep up more of a thinkin 
than I'd ever seen him before. We all got home 
to the White House safe that nite, an, on the hull, 
the trip had not only bin pleasant, but profitable, 
for it will lead to some grate changes in a few 
days. 

Yours, till deth, 

Major Jack Downing, 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 125 



LETTER XIV. 

The President Has an Attack of Fever and Ague — Tlie Major 
Prescribes Elder Bark Tea — A Fearful Mistake — The Bark 
Scraped the Wrong Way — Mr. Lincoln has to be Rolled — 
Stanton, Seward and the Major — A Ludicrous Scene — The 
" KerneV comes to and Begins to Joke — The Moral of Taking 
thi Wrong Medicine — " The Irrepressible Conflict" 

Washington, August 1, 1862. 
To the Editers of the Caivcashin : 

Surs : — I tell you I've had my hands full since 
I writ you last. Linkin has been nigh about down 
sick with the fever an agcr. Of course it wouldn't 
do to let the tel-lie-graf git hold of it, for it 
would scare Wall street in spasms, and knock 
stocks down wus than the retreat of Ginneral 
McClellan. So Stan tin put his sensership on the 
news, an that was the end of it, while I went to 
work as I could to cure the Kernel up. You see, 
the Kernel, for the last month or so, has been very 
much broke of his sleep. Sumtimes he's up nigh 
about the hull nite consulten with Stantin, an 
Hallick, an Seward, an the nite air lias been too 
much for him. The banks of the Potomick in 
July an August are mity hard on the constitushin, 



126 LETTERS OF 

an ef there is any bilyusness in a man, its party 
sure to bring it out. Linkin says his constitushin 
is just like the war, so far, nigh about all billy ns. 
One day I went into the Kernel's room, an seem 
he looked kinder blue about the gills, ses I, 
il Kernel, what's the matter V Ses he, " Majer, I 
feel as cold as a frozen turnip." Ses I, " Kernel' 
ain't you gettin the ager ?" Ses he, " No, Ma- 
jor, I don't think I'm gettin it, for I've got it 
already." " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, ef there is eny 
feller on arth who can cure the fever an ager, it's 
me." " Wal, says he, « Majer, I wish you 
would go ahead, for I can't afford to be sick now. 
The truth is, ef I had a good ax an some chestnut 
timber I could soon work off the shakes myself. I 
used to have them when I was a boy, powerful 
bad, but I could jest go out eny mornin and break 
an ager by splitting up a hundred rails as a break- 
fast spell ; but now I s'pose I must dose myself 
with sonic sort of pizen doctor stuff, just because it 
wouldn't look well for a President to split rails." 
" No," ses I, " Kernel, you needn't take eny pizen 
stuff. I'll fix you sum medecin which was a grate 
favorite with Ginncral Jackson, an it will cure 
you up as sure as my name's Downing." Ses he, 
'• What is it?" Ses I, "It's elder bark tea." So 
] jest went to work and got the feller in bad close, 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 127 

who does chores around the White House, to go 
out into the sububs an scrape me sum bark. I told 
him very particaler how to do it, an to be very 
kerful an not to scrape it roundabout-ways of the 
wood. You see, elder bark is the queerest stuff in 
the world. If you scrape it down it acts as a 
fisic, an if you scrape it upwards it becomes an 
emetick, while by scrapin it around-ways, it ain't 
nuther one thing nor tother, but just raises a 
young arthquake gripin an panein a feller as ef 
the cholery, an yaller fever, an kronick rumatiz 
had all got hold of him at once. Purty soon the 
feller cum back, and I went to work makin the 
tea. After I got it fixed, I went in an give it to 
Linkin, who was shakin away as ef he would fall 
apart. " Now, says I, " Kernel, ef you feel bud 
in the nite jest call me, and I will sec what's the 
matter." Nigh about mornin sum one was rappin 
at my door like all possessed. I bounded out as 
spry as I could, an down stairs I went. There 
was Linkin agroanin an writhin, an lookin as pale 
as a ghost, an as lean and lank as a rail. They 
had sent for Seward an Stantin, an all hands were 
in a terribul excitement. Seward seemed to be 
awfully worried. Ses he, " Major, what would we 
do if Linkin dies, for he's the only one of us left 
that the pceple's got cny faith in at all ?" Stantin 
didn't say no thin, but he was lookin round, I 



128 LETTERS OF 

thought, to see where the Kernel's trowsers was. 
As soon as I got a fair look at the Kernel, an felt 
his pulze, I began to suspect what was the matter. 
The fust thing I did was to call the feller in bad 
close who got the elder bark, an ask him particelar 
how he scraped it. Cum to find out, the numskull 
had cut the bushes down, an then scraped them 
around, jest what I had tolled him not to do. I 
comprehended the situashin in a jiffy. Ses I, " Mr. 
Seward, I understand all about this case, an ef 
you'll stand back about four inches, an do jest as 
I tell you, we'll have the Kernel all rite in no 
time." Then, turnin round, ses I, " Stantiu, I 
want you to lend a hand, too, and make yourself 
ginnerally useful, an don't run off an issoo a proc- 
lamashin afore you know what is what." " Now," 
ses I, " the feller that got the elder bark for the 
Kernel scraped it the rong way, an the medicine 
won't work. The only way to get it rite is to roll 
the Kernel over fourteen times clean across the 
floor. It is a tough remedy, but desput diseases 
require desput remedies." So I telled Seward an 
Stantin to take hold, and the way we rolled the 
Kernel over an over was a caushiu. It seemed as 
ef it might break every bone in his body, for his 
frame is so sharp an so full of angles that it jarred 
an jolted like rollin over a- wagin wheel wen 
there's no fellers on the spokes. Finally he cum 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 129 

to, an we lifted him on the bed, an in a little while 
he felt like another person. Seward an Stantin 
looked skeert yet, but I tolled them they needn't 
have no fears — that the Kernel was as sound as 
a dollar. Stantin said he'd hurt his spine in rollin 
Linkin ; at eny rate, he puffed an blowed like a 
porpose. I telled him to go home an take some of 
Chase's "greenbacks" for a poultice, an ef that 
didn't cure him, then there warn't no virtue in 
" legal tenders." Seward sed, as I was sich a good 
doctor he'd like to know what was good for pizen. 
Wen he was a boy he sed he pizened one of his 
feet, an that it had allers trubbled him, more or 
less, ever sence. I telled him to get one of Sum- 
ner's speeches, an bind on the place, for there 
warn't eny thing like pizen to draw out pizen, and 
I thought Sumner's speeches would draw pizen out 
of ded men, and that I wondered the doctors 
hadn't got to usin them for bringin to life people 
who had killed themselves with laud alum, prus- 
sick acid, an sich things. 

As soon as the Kernel cum to, he begun to joke. 
Ses he, " Majer, do you know why you and Seward 
and Stantin rollin me on the floor were like men 
spredin hay in a meadow?" Ses I, "No, Kernel, 
I don't, unless the pitchen and rollin are a 
good deal alike." "No, no," ses he, " Majer, the 
reason is because it was clone to cure me !" 
0* 



130 LETTERS OF 

" Now," scs I, " Kernel, that is party sharp, but 
do you know why your sickness is like the Union ?" 
" No," ses he, " I don't see into that, unless it's be- 
cause we're both haven a tough time of it." ;i No," 
scs I, " that ain't it.' " Wal," ses he, " what is 
it ?" " Wal," ses I, u because it has been takin the 
rong medicen /" Ses he, " How is that, Major ? I 
don't understand you." " Wal," ses I, " it's jest 
here. You know that feller who docs chores for 
you scraped the elder bark the wrong way, and 
wen you took it, it come nigh on to killin you. 
But I didn't know but what it was all rite, and so 
I give it to you. Now, jest so it's been ever sence 
you've been President. Seward's been the feller 
who has been scrapin the medicen for the Union, 
an he has scraped it all the rong way, an you've been 
giving it all the time without knowing it. You 
see, the hull country has got the gripes and the 
shakes, jest as you had a little while ago, and it all 
cum from Seward's rong kind of medicen. You 
see, Seward is tryin to make the people swallow the 
' irrepressible conilict,' which is fixed about as fol- 
lows : 

Higher Law 2 oz. 

Confiscation 2 oz. 

Taxation 2 oz. 

Justice oz. 

Abolition 8 oz. 

(well mixed.) 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 131 

Now, Kernel, such a dose as that would give any 
country a worse set of spasms and agers then 
were ever heard of before. Old John Dum- 
butter, the laziest man 1 ever knew in Maine, 
sed he once had the fever an ager in Mishegan so 
that, it shook the buttons off his coat ; but such 
medicen as Seward is givin the country now will 
shake even the tail fethers out of the grate Ameri- 
can Eagle." 

Ses Linkin, ses he, " Hold on, Major, don't pour 
sich hot shot into me when I'm sick." So I held 
up ; but I tell you, the Kernel has felt very blue 
sence that time. One day ses he, " Majer, what a 
grate mistake I made in not makin Crittenden's 
compromise the basis of my administration; but 
it's no use cryin over spilt milk. The leaders of 
our party wanted the Chicago platform put through, 
and I'm the man to do what I undertake or sink in 
the attempt." " Or split the Union ?" ses I. 
" Wal," ses he, " I don't know about that, but 
what's in the way must cum down." 

Things look very bad here jest now, and we all 
feel afraid that they may be worse instead of bet- 
ter. Stantin wants to issoo a proclamashin which 
he thinks will set all things rite, but Seward ses 
proclamashins are played out. Linkin thought at 
one time to put out a call for a day of fastin and 



132 LETTERS OF 

prayer, but Hallack is opposed to it. So things 
are workin along now kinder slip shod, but I'll 
try to keep you posted as usual. 

Yourn till deth, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 133 



LETTER XV. 

Gen. McClellarCs Change of Base — A Bear Story — A Delegation 
of Clergymen — The Major's Opinion on Negroes and " Ed\ 
ecated PeepuV — How General Jackson Saw Through. Them — 
How the War is to End — Mr. Lincoln Tells Another Story. 

Washington, August 14, 18G2. 
To the Editers of the Cawcashin : 

Surs : — It has been jest about the hottest weth- 
er, sence I writ you last, I ever did see. The 
Kernel ses he feels as limpsey as an eel, an I tell 
you it has taken the starch out of the hull of us. 
Ef I don't write a letter this time worth printin, 
it will be because my idees have all kinder oozed 
out through my skin. One clay the Kernel ses to 
me, ses he, " Majer, what do you think about Mc- 
Clellan's new base on the Jeemes River ?" "Wal," 
ses I, kS Kernel, it reminds me for all the world of 
old Truxton Miller's bar hunt, away up in t' e 
north part of Maine, when I was boy." The Ker- 
nel likes to hear a story as well as to tell one, so 
ho insisted that I should tell him all about it. So 
I proceeded : Ses I, " Old Truxton was the most 
noted bar hunter in all that part, an it warnt often 



184 LETTERS OF 

when he got started after a bar that it ever got 
away. He could yell an holler equal to wild In- 
jins, an he ginerally scart away all the varmints 
for several miles around. One spring the bars 
had been very trubbclsome, carryin off his sheep, 
lambs, an even calves an yearlins, and Truxton 
vowed he'd go an attack the bars in their den. So 
off he started with his dubbel-barrelled shot gun 
an his big dog, Harcules, for a regular bar hunt. 
He soon got on their track, an he followed them to 
their den. Jest as one was goin in he let go his 
gun an took one of 'em in the thigh. This only 
made matters worse, for out come two or three 
others, an soon the old feller was tackled on all 
sides. He felt pretty safe with Harcules, but soon 
the bars made for the dog, an they tore him to 
pieces in a jiffy. Truxton shot one of 'em, but that 
put the infernals in the rest, an the old feller had 
to ' skedaddle,' as they say in these days. Seeing 
a tree handy by he started to go up, but a power- 
ful beast fetched him a wipe with his paw an tore 
off the seat of his trowsers. He got away an that 
was all, an looked down on the bars in dismay. 
Now," ses I, " Kernel, I think that McClellan's 
6 new base' is something like old Truxton's. 13u( 
all his neighbors turned out, an finally got the old 
feller out of his danger, an when lie come down 
he made this remark, ses he, 'Neighbors, it's one 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 135 

tiling- to hunt a bar, but it's quite another thing 
when the bar hunts you /' " So ses I, " Kernel, it's 
one thing to hunt the secesh, but it's quite another 
thing when the secesh hunts you, an it appears 
to me as if McClcllan is treed in his ' new base.' " 
" Wal, Majer," ses the Kernel, " how are we to 
get him away ?" " Wal," ses I, " do jest as old 
Truxton's neighbors did — Scare off the bars! 
Scare off the secesh ! Get around 'em on all sides 
an make them believe you are goin to attack 'em 
from every quarter, an they will soon scatter so 
that the Ginnerel can change his base agin. Call 
it ' a great piece of strutegy,' and the people won't 
know the difference." " Wal," ses the Kernel, 
" that's jest what has got to be done, and though 
it's a mity dangerous movement, rite in the face of 
the rebils, yet it must be done, or all the troops 
will die of disinterry where they are." Before 
this letter reaches your readers the tel/iegraf will 
announce the hull movement. 

The other day the Kernel had a call from some 
nigger preachers. He sent for 'em to have a talk 
about seein whether they wouldn't consent to go 
to Centril America, but they didn't seem to like it 
much. They sed they would think about it and 
report. 'I told the Kernel that when he got nig- 
gers to immigrate, that the next thing he could do 
would be to o:ct the kinks out of their hair. Ses 



136 LETTERS OF 

he, "Why not, Majer ?" " Wal," scs I, " because 
it ain't their natur." Ses I, " Kernel, you talk 
to these niggers jest as if they were white people, 
all except their color. You seem to think that 
they will do something for their posterity, sacri- 
fice something, but they won't. The nigger only 
cares for the present. The mulattoes have some 
of the talents of the white men, but the nigger not 
a bit." 

"Now, Majer," ses Linkin, " you are prejudiced. 
Don't all the great men of the world, all the 
lamed men of Europe, and all Christian phylan- 
thropists, don't they all consider it the highest duty 
to try an elevate the black race ?" " Now," ses 
I, " Kernel, I don't care a blue postage stamp for 
all the groat men in the world. A little plain 
mother wit I have always found better than a stack 
of book lamin, an ef any one will jest take up the 
nigger race an study it out practically, they will 
see that it has allers been the same uncivilized, 
heathin people when white folks did not have con- 
trol of 'em. You send 'em to Centril America, an 
in a gineration or so they will be again eatin liz- 
ards an worshipping snakes, as they do in Africa 
now." 

Scs I, " Kernel, there's no pecpul in the world 
so likely to lead you astray as edecated peepul. 
They are all mad as March hares on this nigger 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 137 

questshin, jest as they were in old Cotton Mather's 
time on witches. Eclecated peepul, Kernel, ain't 
got any more wit or common sense than other folks, 
but they try to make you believe they have, an will 
talk high-falutin words jest to frighten you if they 
kin. They tried that on the old Ginneral in the 
days of the Bidclle Bank, but they couldn't budge 
him an inch. One time the bankers and money- 
lenders and brokers in Wall street, sent on a com- 
mittee to see the Ginneral, to honey fuggle him 
into not vetoing the Bank bill. Ogden Huffman, 
then the greatest orater, an jest the smartest law- 
yer York had, was sent on as spokesman. He 
could talk jest as slick as grease, and knew more 
law in a minnit than the old Ginneral did in 
all day. One night he staid till almost mornin 
talkin and talkin, scoldin a little an palaverin a 
good deal more. The old Ginneral didn't say 
much, only once in a while puttin in a questshin. 
Finally Huffman got reddy to go, an axecl what 
the Ginneral thought of the argements he had 
made. The old Ginneral pushed his spectacles up 
on his forehead, run his lingers through his hair, 
an jumpin out of his cheer, walked across the room 
as if he was tarein mad, rite up to Mr. Huffman. 
When he got there, ses he, ' Mr. Lawyer, your talk 
is all very pretty, very eloquent, an very larned 
with Latin, but (an here he fetched his old hick- 



13S LETTERS OF 

ory down on the floor) I shall veto that Bank of 
Bicldle's, by the Eternal !' You see the old Gin- 
neral couldn't hold a canclil to Huffman, as far as 
larnin an talk went, but he had the genuine com- 
mon sense that seen rite through the hull subject. 
So I tell you, Kernel, don't put your trust in edc- 
cated peepul. Ef the hull world thinks that you 
kin make a white man out of a nigger it only 
shows that the hull world is made up of fools." 

" Wal," ses Linkin, " that all may be very true, 
but you see, Majer, I've got these contry bands on 
my hands, an I've got to fish or cut bait. We've 
only got a few thousand free now, an the peepul 
in the North are in arms to murder 'em ef I send 
any more there. I shall soon have two wars on 
my hands ef I don't contrive some plan to get rid 
of the kinky heads. You, see, Majer, a fire in 
front an a fire in the rear will be too much of a 
good thing." 

"I see, I sec, Kernel," ses I, "you've got to 
change your base." 

" Exactly, Majer, you hit the nail rite on the 
hed." 

" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I can't give you a bit 
of advice except what I have all along. Put the 
negro in his place, an he won't be a bit of trubbel 
to you, but as long as you try to get along with 
him out of his place, you'll be in hot water. As 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 139 

for goin to Centril America, they won't go thar 
eny sooner than they will to Kamscatky." 

" Wal," ses Linkin, scs he, " if they won't do 
that, we shall all pretty soon be in a nice kittle of 
fish." 

" Wal," ses I, "Kernel, can you tell me how 
you think this war is goin to end ?" 

" Wal, Major, I can't exactly see through the 
hull subject yet, but I'll tell you a story that 
about expresses my present idees of the subject. 
One night at a tavern out in Illinoy, two drunken 
men were sent to sleep in the same room. Now 
there was two beds in the room, but they were so 
drunk that they both got in one bed, but did not 
know it. No sooner in than one sung out to the 
other, ' I say, Bill, some feller is in my bed.' The 
other sung out in reply, < I say, Jim, some feller 
is in my bed, too.' After swearing at the land- 
lord for a while for not givin 'em single beds, Bill 
sung out, 'I say, Jim, I'm goin to kick my fellei 
out of bed.' Wal, ses Bill, 'so am I.' So at i1 
they went, kickin like all possessed, until both o' 
'em lay sprawlin out on the floor. They had 
kicked themselves out of bed ! Now, Major, 
guess that will bj jest about how this war wili 
end. The way we're goin on, both the North a:, 
the South will kick one another out of bed before 
they stop, and out of house and home, too." 



140 LETTERS OP 

" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, that's about my idee,, 
too, and I don't beleeve, by the time they ge y 
through, either side will have a bed-blanket or 
even a hull shirt left. They'll be wus off than 
Billy Bradly when he fit with the catamount, who 
didn't have a rag left on him except the stock 
around his neck." 

Here the conversashin dropped. The Kernel 
looked very solemncolly, and I thought I wouldn't 
say nothing to hurt his feelins. 

There ain't enything new here jest now, except 
the arrival of new regiments. Seward feels as 
happy as a little gal with a new doll every time a 
regiment comes along. Stantin takes down his 
big book an adds it on to the number alreddy in 
the army,. while Chase gets ready to issoo more 
greenbacks. Your frencl, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 141 



LETTER XVI. 

The Science of " Military Strutegy" — The Major's Opinion Upon 
it — A Call From the Secretary of the American and Foreign 
Benevolent Society for Ameliorating the Condition of the 
Colored Race — His Speech — The President'' s Reply — A Curi- 
ous Prayer — The Major's Opinion on Slavery — The Critical 
Condition of Affairs — Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story. 

Washington, Sept. 2, 1862. 
To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 

Surs : — Sence I writ you last I've been studyin 
military strutegy. It is a grate science. 
Our army, down in Virginny, has been in 
grate strates lately, an if it hadn't been for 
military strutegy it would have all been taken 
prisoners. Ses the Kernel to me, the other 
day, ses he, " Majer, what do you think that mili- 
tary strutegy consists in ?" u Wal," ses I, " Ker- 
nel, it consists in gettin out of your enemy's way 
wen he's too much for you, an gettin in his way 
wen you're too much for him." Ses I, " Kernel, I 
don't know whether that is down in the books, 
but that's the common sense view of the subject " 
" Wal," ses Linkin, " whatever strutegy consists 
in, we don't seem to have a bit of it, for we get 



142 LETTERS OP 

in the enemy's way jest wen he's too strong for 
us, an get out of his way wen he ain't too strong 
for us. I'm gettin eenamost discouraged with 
this kind of military strategy." " Wal," ses I, 
" Kernel, you've got too many Ginnerals an too 
many armies. There's too many fellers, with 
more brass in their faces than there is in their 
buttons, who want to be the biggest toad in the 
puddle. Now, there can't be but one big toad, 
an so there can't be but one head Ginneral. You 
ought to make one man Command-in-Cheef, an 
make him take the field, so that he can see for 
himself how matters are goin. Ginneral Hallick, 
here in Washinton, ain't the thing." 

" Wal, Majer, there is no use of cryin over 
spilt milk. The troops down in Virginny have 
been very roughly handled agin by the rebils, an 
have got so mixed up that it will require a grate 
deal of strutegy to get them straitened out. The 
question is, what is to be done ?" 

Jest as I was about to give the Kernel some 
advice, who should come in but Sumnure, an a 
feller with a white handkercher around his neck, 
an two or three other solemn-lookin chaps. The 
feller in a white kercher spoke up, an ses he, 
" Mr. President, we're come to sympathize with 
you in the nashin's afflicshin, for the Lord has 
agin beat us with stripes — ah. Mr. President, 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 143 

I'm chief Secretary of the American and Foreign 
Benevolent Society for Ameliorating the Condi- 
shin of the Colored Race — ah — an I have been 
appinted Cheerman of a Committee to wait on you 
an express to you our opinions in the present fear- 
ful crisis in our country's history. Our society, 
which is composed of all the most pious maiden 
ladies in our town — ah — who are over forty years 
of age, an, therefore, may be considered wise and 
discreet, desire me to express to you their deep 
conviction that God will never bless our armies 
with victory — ah — so long as you do not fight for 
the freedom of our dearly beloved colored breth- 
ren — ah. Our Society, Mr. President, has given 
the condishin of our colored brethren great at- 
tenshiu — ah. You can judge of the extent of our 
labor wen I inform you that the sisters of our 
Society have distributed the past year to our col- 
ored brethren in Liberia, 500 flannel shirts — ah — 
GOO wool socks — ah — 100 Bibles — ah — 100 Tracts 
on Temperance — ah — 500 toothpicks — ah — and a 
large supply of cologne water — ah ! We should 
have been glad to have supplied the suiferin 
bondmen of the same oppressed race in our own 
country, but the vile rebellion of the infernal 
slaveholders has prevented. We ask you now to 
proclaim liberty to the captives, and s let the peo- 
ple go' — ah. Do not let your heart be hardened 



144 LETTERS OF 

as Parroh's was, but save our land from sorrow, 
an our armies from further defeat by a decree of 
righteousness. Then will the Lord smile on us, 
an then shall glory cover the land — ah." 

I believe I've got that speech down purty nigh 
as the feller delivered it, for he spoke very slow 
an stately, as if he was tryin to make an impreshin. 
Wen he got thru, Linkin got up, and ses he, " Mr. 
Secretary, I'm kinder glad to see you, and will 
only say that we need all the help about these times 
we can get, an if I thought the Lord would only 
help us lick the rebils, I would free the niggers. 
An if I thought he would help us by freein 'em, I 
would clo that. In fact, whatever I do, an what- 
I don't do, I do it, or I don't do it, jest as I think 
the Lord will be most likely to help us. The great 
thing is to get the help of the Lord, an I shall 
adopt new views on this pint jest as far as I think 
they are good views." Wen Linkin got thru, I 
pulled him by the coat-tail, an ses I, " Kernel, 
Seward himself could not have beat that non-com- 
mittal speech." Ses he, " Hush, Majer, don't throw 
all the fat into the fire." Jest then the feller in 
the white hankercher spoke up, an ses he, " let us 
pray," an at it he went. Ses he, " Oh Lord, throw 
grate lite upon the mind of our Chief Magustrate — 
ah — give us victorys over the rebils — ah — give us 
this yere grate victorys — ah — not such little vie- 



MAJOr JACK DOWNING. 145 

tories as we had last yere — ah — but crush the 
rebils with the arm of thy power. Amen — ah." 
After this, they all shuck hands, an went away. 
After they had gone, ses the Kernel, ses he, ' ; Ma- 
jor, that's a wonderful pious chap." « Yes," ses 
I, " Kernel, I think he is, in his way, but," ses I, 
" findin fait with the Lord, bekase He don't give 
us bigger victories, ain't much like the Christians 
of arly days." Ses I, " his prayer for big victo- 
ries reminds me of old Joe Bunker's prayer. Joe 
was a wicked old sinner who swore wus than a 
saleyur. One day he was a swarein' kos he didn't 
hev better corn. Some one told him he orter pray 
for good corn, if he wanted it. So one day some 
one was goin' long the road by the old feller's 
corn-field, and hearin' a noise, they stopped, and 
who should the noise cum from but the miserly old 
skinflint Bunker, who was prayin. Ses ho, ' Oh, 
Lord ! give us a good crop of corn this yere, long 
ears, long as your arm, not sich d — d little nub- 
bins as we had last yere.' Now," ses I, " Ker- 
nel. I think thar's a great deal of simularity 'tween 
them two prayers, and I think the Lord is jest 
about as likely to answer one as 'tother." Ses 1, 
" Kernel, you could bust up fifteen Unions easier 
than you could destroy slavery." Ses he, " Majer, 
I don't see into that ezackly, and I'd like to know 
the reason why." " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, the 
7 



146 LETTERS OF 

reason is jest this : men made the Union, but God 
made slavery, and I tell you," ses I, " Kernel, 
when you undertake to butt agin that, you butt 
agin a big subjec." Ses I, "ain't every body been 
fightin slavery for the last thirty years, and 
haven't they all cum off second best, while nigger 
slavery has been growin' and expandin in spite of 
'em ? God made the nigger to sarve and obey the 
white man, and until he's altered and made anuther 
being, you can't make him cny thing but a sarvent. ' 
These fellers, like that white cravated chap, who 
was jest here, and who employ their time sendin 
flannel shirts and tooth-picks to the wild nigger in 
Afriky, don't know nothin' more about niggers 
than they do 'bout the interior of the arth. You 
might presarve all the brains they've got in a drop 
of brandy, and they would have as much sea-room 
as a tad-pole in Lake Superior." 

" Wal," ses Linkin, ses he, " Majer, let's drop 
the nigger jest now, as I want to ask you whether 
you think the rebils kin take Washington?" 
" Wal," ses T, " Kernel, that depends upon strute- 
gy agin. Ef you keep Ginnerals in the field who 
don't pay eny attention to ' lines of retrctc,' afore 
you know it, Kernel, that feller with a Stonewall 
in his name, will be around on the North side of 
the White House, an I'm afeered my s line of re- 
trete' to Downingville will be cut off." '• That's 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 147 

so, Majer, and my retrete to Springfield may be a 
hard road to travel." When Linkin made this 
remark, he looked kinder oneasy. I didn't know 
what to say, so I did jest what I allers do in that 
case, I whistled! Scs Linkin, ses he ; " Majer, are 
you whistlin to keep your courage up ? Ses I, 
" No, Kernel, I ain't afraid a mite, but," ses I, 
" I'm in what old Deacon Doolittle calls a quan- 
dary." Ses he, " what's your quandary ?" " Wal," 
ses I, " I was thinkin what I would do ef the rebils 
should take Washington." The Kernel didn't say 
nothin for about a minute. He looked very seri- 
ous, and finally, ses he, " Majer, we're in a tight 
place, an there is no use denyin it, but it don't do 
any good to get into a fit of hysterices about it." 
" Yes," ses I, " Kernel, but it makes me feel solem 
to see this grate Old Ship of State knockin around, 
an, may be, jest reddy to sink." " Wal, Majer," 
ses the Kernel, " that remark reminds me of a 
story. A good many years ago, an old feller, a 
free an easy chap, owned a steamboat on the Mis- 
sippi river, an he was a grate fiddler. He had 
nothing to do, an ginnerally went up an down the 
river on the boat, spending his time in fiddlin, an 
tellin stories. One day the boat struck a snag, 
an was fast fillin with water. The old feller was 
in the cabin sawin away on his fiddle when the 
boat struck, but he paid no attenshin to it, but 



148 LETTERS OF 

kept rite on fiddlin. Finally, one of the passen- 
gers came in an told him that the captain warn't 
tryin to save the boat as he ought, and that she 
would be lost in ten minutes. ' Wal,' ses the old 
feller, 6 she's been a loosin concarn for five years,' 
and he kept on fiddlin. Pretty soon another pas- 
senger rushed in, and screamed out s She's settlin 
very fast.' Ses he, ' I wish she'd settle with me 
before she goes down,' an still he kept on fiddlin. 
The next that was seen of him he was swimmin 
ashore, with his fiddle under his arm an the bow 
in his mouth. Now, Majer, if they take Washing- 
ton, and the ship sins, well swim ashore /" 

"Yes," ses I, " Kernel, and I suppose you will 
take the nigger with you, jest as that old feller 
did the fiddle, for the nigger has been the fiddle 
your party has played on !" 

The Kernel didn't seem to like this application 
of his story, but he didn't say a word. I felt very 
solemn, for I couldn't help feelin eenamost like 
crying when I thought how this grate nashin might 
all be shipwrecked afore he knew it, by a set of 
fellers who have been so taken up with -the nigger 
as to let the country go to destruction. 

I went to bed that nite with a heavy hart, an 
had a terribul attack of bilyusness, which I had 
to take nigh onto a gallon of elder-bark tea to 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 149 

cure. Sence then I've been better, an if God 
spares my life I'll keep you posted about our nash- 
inal affairs as long as there is a nashin. 
Your frend, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



150 LETTERS OP 



LETTER XYII. 

A Cabinet Meeting — The President Calls for the Opinion of Each 
Member — Speeches of Seward, Chase, Stanton, Blair, Welles, 
Smith and Bates — 7 he Major Called on for an Opinion — The 
Peperage Log Story — The Major P oposes an Armistice- No 
Conclusion Arrived at. 

Washington, Sept. 13th, 1862. 
To the Editers of the Cawcashin : 

Suns : — Sech a time as we've had here sence 1 
writ you last, you never hecred tell on. One time 
we all thought that the Seccsh would take us, bag 
and baggage ; but we feel easier now, an every- 
body is hopin that the crysis is past. Rite in the 
midst of the tribbelation, Linkin called a meetin 
of the Cabynet to consult on the tryin state of af- 
fairs, an he insisted that I must meet with 'em, as 
it was no time to stand on precidents an ceterys, 
an beside, ho sed he wanted the help of every 
ounce of loyal brains in the country. Ses he, 
" Major, I kin depend on you, for though you some- 
times give me a hard hit, yet you've allers got the 
good of your country at hart." Ses I, " Kernel, 
I'm much obleeged to you for your good opinion, 
an I kin assure you that every word of it is true. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 151 

Ef there's a man on this arth that lias a truer love 
for his country than I have, I would like to sec him ;" 
an ses I, " Kernel, I'll tell you why my country 
seems so clear to me. I'm an old man now, nigh 
on eighty years old ; I recollect when Jefferson 
beat that old Federal, John Adams, in 1800. I 
warn't old enough then to vote for him, though I 
wanted to ; but wen he run the second time I voted 
for him, an done all I could for his election. Wal, 
I've been a Dimmecrat from that day rite clown to 
the old Ginneral's time, an I'm a Dimmecrat yit ; 
but I love my country above all parties. An one 
reason why my country is so dear to me is, because 
I haven't got enything else to love now. Nigh 
about all my relashins are dead an gone, an there 
ain't enything on arth left me to love but my 
country ; an wen I see it distracted, divided an 
bleedin, it makes me cry; an," ses I, " Kernel, I 
can't help it." 

" Wal," ses the Kernel, " Majer, it's oncommon 
hard for old men like you, I know ; but you jest 
meet with the Cabynet this mornin, an let us see ef 
some new plan can't be adopted to get out of this 
scrape." 

So wen the time cum, I took my hickery, an went 
in. Purty soon the different members cum drop- 
pin in, one by one, an all seemed highly tickled to 
see me except Seward, who has never forgiven me 



152 LETTERS OP 

for exposin his decepshin on Linkin wen he altered 
my " Constitushinal Teliskope." After they all 
got seated, ses Linkin, ses he, " Gentlemen, there's 
no use eny longer of doin like the ostrich does — 
stick our heads in a sandbank an say that we 
6 don't see it,' for we're whipped an driven back 
— in a word, we have failed. Now, the rale ques- 
tion is, Why have we failed ? What is the cause 
of it ? Jest as soon as we kin find out the 
reason of our failure, we shall know what to do 
to remedy it. Now," ses the Kernel, "I want 
every one of you to give me your frank, blunt 
opinion as to the reason. First, I will call on 
Mr. Seward." 

Seward got up, lookin as pale as a sheet, an ses 
he, " Wal, it ain't my fault. I've paid no atten- 
shiu to the war, but have had my hands full in 
keepin furrin nashius from interferin, an I've suc- 
ceeded ; but ef I should give my opinion of the 
cause of the failure of our efforts to restore the 
Union, I would say it was owin entirely to the 
ultra-Republicans, who wanted to kill slavery be- 
fore they scotched it. This let the cat out of our 
bag before the rite time. It aroused an united the 
South an divided the North. They saw what we 
were after. Ef my policy had been followed of 
pacifyin the South an of talkin ' Union' to the 
North, we would have scotched the snake of 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 153 

slavery, an then we could have killed it at our 
leisure." 

Then Linkin called Chase. He commenced by 
saying that he did not agree with Mr. Seward as 
to the cause of our failure. He sed it was jest 
this dilly-dally policy that had ruined us. Con- 
gress had done its duty, but the President had 
not yet dared to make the rebils feel the power of 
Congress. He sed he had kept the army supplied 
with " green-backs," an that was all he had to 
do. He had done his duty, but he didn't beleeve 
we would ever succeed until we fit for liberty an 
the overthrow of slavery. We should allers fail 
to restore the Union until we did it. 

Then Stantin spoke. He sed " he thought one 
grate cause of our failure was because he had not 
kept on issooing his proclamashins, as he did at 
first. He sed he thought his proclamashin about 
6 the sperit of the Lord 1 enabled our soldiers to 
take Nashville. Then," ses he, " Ginneral McClel- 
lan is too slow. He might have been made 
for a ralerode engineer, where there was no hurry 
about buildin the road, but he was never cut out 
for a Ginneral. He was a failure, and hence it 
wos a failure all round." 

Then Blair spoke up. " Wal," ses he, " ef 

there's a man done his dooty, it's me. I've stopped 

every paper in the mails that wouldn't endorse the 
7* 



154 LETTERS OV 

policy of the Administrashin ; hence the people 
have only seen arguments on one side. Ef we've 
failed, therefore, it can't be because the people's 
readin hasn't been well looked after. I haven't 
allowed their minds to be pisened by eny - copper- 
head' Dimmocratic doctrines. Nothin but anti- 
slavery sentiments kin get through the mails now. 
Ef we've failed, I think it must be because Seward 
and Stantin have not been more strict in arrestin 
men who talked " 

Here Seward an Stantin both jumped up an de- 
clared that Blair was very onjust, an sed they had 
arrested every man they could get anything agin, 
an a good menny that they couldn't get anything 
agin. 

Wal, Blair sed, u enyliow, the failure was not 
his fault. Ef they didn't beleeve him, let them 
ask his father, who knew more about politics than 
eny other man in the country !" 

Then old Welles got up, looking very sleepy. 
He sed " the failure could not be charged agin 
the Navy. It was the most wide-awake institu- 
shin of the age. It had achieved all the victories." 
[Here Stantin jumped up agin, but Welles wouldn't 
yield the floor.] " The army couldn't do anything 
without his gunboats. Every time the rebils got 
at them, they had had to retrete to his gunboats. 
In his opinion the army had failed, because it could 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 155 

not carry his gunboats with it. He seel he had 
been tryin to invent a plan to furnish each regi- 
ment with a gunboat for land service. Ef he could 
do that, he thought Richmond might be taken early 
next spring! The only thing in all the war that 
had not been a failure were his gunboats !" 

Then Mr. Smith, an old man from out West, got 
up. He sed "he belonged to the interior, and 
didn't know much about what was goin on. He 
had heered say there was a war in progress, and 
that there had been some pretty tall fightin, but 
he didn't know whether it had been a success or a 
failure. Ef we had failed, he thought it must be 
because we had not been successful, an ef we had 
succeeded, he thought it must be because we hadn't 
failed !" 

Mr. Bates sed "he agreed with Mr. Smith, ex- 
cept in one pint. He had heerd, within a day or 
two, for the first time, that we had failed. Upon 
lookin over Blackstun to see ef there was eny case 
like it, he had been much disappinted in not finclin 
eny. He thought we must have failed because we 
had not follered Blackstun." 

After he got thru, Linkin called upon me. I 
jest hauled up my old hickery and laid it on the 
tabil, an then puttin my elbows on the tabil to rest 
myself, I began. Ses I, <e Kernel, I feel kinder 
6cary to giv my opinion rite here, after sech a dis- 



156 LETTERS Ofr 

play of larnin an eloquince; but," ses I, "as I 
understand the questshin, it is this : We've been 
fightin to restore the Union, an we've failed. 
Now, what is the cause of the failure?" Ses I, 
« Is that it, Kernel ?" Ses he, « Yes, Majer ; that's 
it, exactly." " Wal," ses I, " I allers want to 
get on the track afore I start, an then I kin tell 
purty nigh where I will fetch up. Now," ses I, 
" Kernel, I want to ask you a questshin : Did you 
ever try to split a peperage log /" " No," ses he, 
" Majer, I never did. Nobody would be sech a 
cor.sarned fool as to try an split a peperage log." 
" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, suppose some feller should 
cum to you an tell you that he had been a year an 
a half tryiu to spilt a peperage log, an couldn't 
do it, that he had failed, an wanted you to tell 
him what to do, what would you say to him ?" — 
"Say to him! — why, I should tell him he might 
jest as well whistle at the log us to try to split it 
— that it warn't in the natur of sech knotty, nerly, 
cross-grained timber to split ; in other words, 
that he was tryin to do an onpossibul thing." 
"Now," ses I, " Kernel, that's jest my idee about 
tryin to save this Union by fightin ! You're tryin 
to do an onpossibul thing. After a year an a half 
of fightin, you all acknowledge that you have 
failed, an all the Cabynet is wonderin why you 
have failed. Now, it ain't no wonder to me. You 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 157 

have failed jest because, in the very natur of 
things, what you are tryin to do can't be done in 
that way. You're takin the rong way to do it." 
Wen I sed this, you never did see sech a nutter. 
Stantin turned very red in the face, and sed " that 
I orter be sent to Fort Lafayette." I telled 
him that I wasn't afeered of all the Forts this 
side of Purgotary, and that I should speak my 
mind till my dyin day, let what would happen. 
That cooled him down. Then I told the Cabynet 
that the only way to get out of this scrape was 
to have an armistiss, stop the fightin, and go to 
talkin — that both sides had had enuf of blood- 
shed now to satisfy them, an that the only way 
to get at a settlement was to do that. They took 
a vote on it, an all voted for it except Linkin, 
Chase and Welles. The Kernel sed he was so 
committed to the Abolishin Governors of the 
North that he couldn't go for the armistiss. 
Chase sed, "ef it comes to that, then all the 
money has been spent for nothin, an I shall be 
cussed for the debt forever an ever." Old Welles 
sed that he thought we should be successful jest 
as soon as he got his new Patent Land Gunboats 
in operashin, an he was for fightin the thing out! 
The other members of the Cabynet sed they 
thought they could back out without much trub- 
bel. Seward sed he never see a hole so small that 



158 LETTERS OP 

he couldn't, on a pinch, get through, especially 
with Weed to help him. He thought he should 
turn Dimmocrat ! Stantin sed he intended to jine 
the church, and turn Methodist precher. Blair 
sed he didn't know what he should do till he con- 
sulted his father ! He knew the old man could 
help him out. Smith an Bates sed they should 
return to the buzzum of their families, an, if neces- 
sary for their safety, put on krinoline! 

No conclusion, however, was cum to about the 
armistiss. The Kernel can't bring himself up to 
the idee yet. Ef the Governors were only in 
favor of it, he should do it at once. So I sup- 
pose, for the present, we shall keep on try in to do 
an onpossibul thing — to git the Union by fightin 
for it. Depend upon it, try in to split peperage 
logs ain't nothin to it. 
Yours till deth, 

Major Jack Downing. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 159 



LETTER XVIII. 

The Major not III — The President has " the Gripes " — The Witch- 
Hazel Medicine — Going to the bottom of a Subject — The Dem- 
ocrats and the War — The Emancipation Proclamation — A 
Visit to Gen. Mc&ellan's Army — The Soldiei's Cool — Mr. 
Lincoln tells a Story — " Sloshing About.'''' 

Washington, Oct. 6th, 1802. 
To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 

Sues : — I soe you sed in your paper, last week, 
that perhaps I had the rheumatiz, and that that 
was the resin why I had not writ you. Now, you 
were dredfully mistaken, for I aint had a twinge 
of the rheumatics for a long time. The resin I 
did not write last week was jest this: Rite off, 
after Linkin had issooed that Abolishin Procly- 
mashin, he was taken with a terribul fit of the 
gripes. There was noos received that som j of the 
sojers were gettin onruly, and rcfusin to fight for 
the nigger, an I thought one spell that the Kernel 
would go crazy. He walked the floor all uite, an 
looked as ef he would die. Finerally it brought 
on the gripes, an then his condishin was teriibul. 
I tried elder bark tea, but it didn't do a mite of 
good, so I telled him there warn't but onu mcdicin 



160 LETTERS Or 

that would cure him, an that was witch hazel 
sticks mixed up with molasses. So I sent fur some 
twigs an cut em up in about inch pieces, and put 
the molasses on, an stirred it all up. The Kernel 
looked at it very sharp, an ses he, " Majer, you aint 
going to give me rale fence to drink, are you ? 
The remedy will be wus than the disease." 
" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, then that will be jest like 
your Abolishin Proclymashin," an I kept on mixin 
it with a big spoon. "Now, ses I, " Kernel, the 
good pints of this medicin are, that as it goes thru 
a feller it cleans him completely out. It confis- 
cates, eradicates, obliterates an conflusticates 
everything. It's equal to your Abolishin Procly- 
mashin an the Confiscashin Bill rolled into one." 
Ses I, " Kernel, there's only one thing about it 
that's wrong. Sometimes the sticks get twisted 
together, or tangled up like the logs comin down 
the river, in Maine in the spring of the year, and 
it requires a purty hard jar to start 'em loose. 
But," ses I, " there's no danger of it's killin any- 
body, and there's no way for you to get rid of 
that gripin but by takiu it." The Kernel looked 
at it purty sharp, an ses he, " Majer, I can't stand 
this innard arthquake much longer, an ef you say 
that that rale fence will cure me, I'll swallow it 
ef it takes the har off my hed." So I jest told 
him to take it, an down he put it as easy as ef it 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 161 

had ben geniwine Borbone. He hadn't had it 
down but a little while before he began to get 
wus. He walked the floor an groaned as ef he 
was goin to die. Ses he, " Majer, this infernal 
stuff will kill me, sure. I believe I've swallowed 
a dose of pitchfork tines, or a half-pint of clarnin 
needles. It reminds me of a story, Majer, but I 
feel too bad to tell it. It's the very first time in 
my life I was ever so far gone." I see at a glance 
what was the matter. The sticks had got tangled 
together, an lodged fast, an I knew there was no 
time to be lost. So ses I, " Kernel, I kin cure 
you. You jest cum here an sit down in this 
cheer." He cum up, and wen he went to set 
down, I jerked the cheer rite out from under him, 
an down he cum kerslap on the floor. I tell you 
it made the hull house shake ; but I knowed he 
must get a good jar, or it was a gone case 
with him. It made him see stars for a lit- 
tle while, for the Kernel, you know, is long- 
geared, an it was no jokin matter for him 
to fall so far. But it was all over within a 
minuet, an wen he got up he sed he felt like 
another man: but, ses he, '• Major, that's what I 
call goin to the bottom of a subject." " Wal v " 
ses I, " Kernel, that's jest what you are tryiu to 
do on the slavery questshin, an ef you don't see 
stars on that before vou get thru with it, I'll 



162 LETTERS OP 

wonder." Ses I, " Kernel, do you expect Dimmi- 
crats are goin to support you on freein the nig- 
gers ?" "Wal," ses he, " Majer, not the rale, 
geniwine Dimmicrats ; but you see you've got a 
grate lot of fellers in your party who call them- 
selves Dimmicrats, who aint Dimmicrats at all. 
You've had the offices in your party so long, that 
you've naterally attracted a hull lot of chaps 
who only want offices. These fellers have mostly 
been the leaders of your party for years an years, 
an now, wen we've got the offices, an there aint 
scarcely a chance that the South will ever have 
eny more to give 'em, they all cum to us, an 1 kin 
get 'em at almost eny price, from a Brigadier- 
Generalship down to a quarter of a dollar. I've 
tried to git some geniwine Dimmicrats to mix in, 
but you can't touch em." Ses I, " Kernel, I guess 
you'll find that the grate bulk of the Dimmicrats 
won't fite to free the niggers. They can't be sech 
a pack of denied fools." " You've got too high 
an opinion of your party, Majer," ses the Kernel. 
<fc There's a grate menny more denied fools in it 
than you've got eny idee of. You say they won't 
fite to put down slavery. Didn't they say they 
wouldn't fite to coerce the South ? And didn't 
they do it? Didn't they say they would only de- 
fend the Capital, and wouldn't invade Virginia, 
and didn't they do it ?" 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 163 

*< Yes," ses I, " Kernel, I must own that's the 
truth; but," ses I, " they called God to witness 
ef the war was ever made an anti-slavery war, 
thc3 r would throw down their arms." " Yes," ses 
he, " but don't they say now that they aint got 
nothing to do with the policy of the government, 
an that their only duty is to lite." "Wal," ses I, 
" Kernel, sum of 'em have sed that, but it can't 
be possibul that that's the gineral sentiment. Ef 
they follow that principul, then ef you should pro- 
claim yourself Emperor or King, an tell 'em to 
fite to establish a monarchy, they would do that"" 
" That's drivin your idees a little too far, Majer, 
as you ginnerally do. But what do you think 
about our goin up to the army an reviewin the 
sojers, and seein whether I aint jest as popelar 
as ever I was ?" " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I think 
that that is a good idee, an I kin judge party nigh 
how your Proclymashin sets on the stumacks of 
the sojers from the way they cheer you. Ef thc\ 
cheer as loud as they did wen they were down at. 
Ilarrisin Landin, I shall be mistaken." So we 
started off the next day for Ginneral McClellan's 
head-quarters in a speshal train. First we went 
to Ginncral Sumnure's head-quarters, and i 
warn't long afore Ginncral Mc'Jlellan cum there, 
too. There was sum talk about the Proclyma- 
shin, an Liukin told the Ginncral that there were 



164 LETTERS OF 

two great resins why he had made it. One wap 
to stop furrin nashins from interferin, an thr 
other was to make the rebils cum to terms. He 
thought it would feteh 'em, sure. 

Ginneral McClellan dicln' say a word, one way 
nor tother, but looked oncommon solemn, aiid 
axed the Kernel whether he didn't want to revew 
the troops. I saw at once that the Ginneral didn't 
like it, and that he wanted to turn the subject. 
Then we started off and took a look at the troops 
on Mcrryland Eights and Bollyvare Bights, and 
all around Mr. Harper's ferry. Mr. Harper 
wai-n't hum, and so we didn't see him, and the 
ferry warn't in good order nether, the resen bein 
that the rebils had been there and destroyed ecn- 
amost everything. As we were goin along, ses I, 
" Kernel, them cheers don't sound like they did 
down on the Jeernes River." The Kernel didn't 
say eny thing, but looked very serious. Wen Gin- 
neral McClellan showed himself, you oughter have 
heerd the sojers yell and scream, and wave their 
hats. I never see the Kernel look so pale and 
thin, and I couldn't get a word out of him. As 
for miikin a speech, it warn't to be thought on. 
After we got all done reviewin the sojers, the Ker- 
nel and all hands of us come clown from the Hights, 
and sot down near the road on an old wagin. Lin- 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 165 

kin told some stories to pass away the time., an 
purty soon we went back to Ginncral Somnure's 
head-quarters, where we staid all nite. The next 
mornin we went to Ginneral McClcllan's head- 
quarters, an then over the battle field of Aunty- 
eatem. The next day we cum hum, both of us 
purty nigh tired out. The Kernel pulled off his 
boots as soon as he got in the house, as he almost 
alius does, an I got out my pipe for a smoke. 

" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, what do you think of 
your visit V 9 Ses he, " Majer, it's jest as you told 
me. That Proclymashin of mine ain't popular, 
and I knowecl it wouldn't be. But jest see how I 
was situated. There was the Abolishin Guver- 
nurs drivin me on one side, an ther was France an 
England on the other side. What was I to do ? 
I couldn't stand still. I couldn't go back. So I 
had to " let her rip." I've ben poleing around, 
IMajcr, ever sence I've been President, trying to 
touch bottom, an I couldn't find it. Now I hope 
I'll git it." " Yes," ses I, " Kernel, but may be 
your pole warnt a constitutional pole. Ef it had 
ben, you would hev found bottom long ago." 
Ses I, " Depend on it, Kernel, there ain't no bot- 
tom where you arc poleing, and cf you keep on 
till doomsday, you won't find eny." 

Ses I, " Kernel, don't you know that you said 



166 LETTERS OF 

in your iuaugerole that you had no rite to inter- 
fere with slavery, an that you didn't intend to ?" 
Ses he, " Did I, Majer ? I've forgot all about 
it. The truth is, Majer, when I look baek the 
two years I've been President, it reminds me of a 
story : — Old Bill Jones got drunk one election 
day, out in lllinoy, an had a hand in several fites 
before nite. The next day he was brought up be- 
fore a Justess of the Peace, an the Justess inquir- 
ed, "Mr. Jones, did you strike Tom Smith yester- 
day ?" « Wal, I don't know, Judge," ses Bill, 
" I was sloshin around considerabul, an can't ex- 
zactly say what I did." - " Wal, Mr. Jones, did 
you hit Jim Wattles ?" "Wal, now, Judge, I 
can't be sartin ; the truth is, I was sloshin around 
most of the day, I reckon." "Now, Mr. Jones, 
tell me whether you struck Dick Robinson?" 
" Can't say, Judge," replied Bill. " I believe, on 
the hull, I was sloshin around about all day." 
"Wal, Mr. Jones," said the Justess, "what do 
you mean by 'sloshin around V " Wal, Judge," 
said Bill, " sloshin around is jest going rite thru a 
crowd, an mowin your swath, hitten rite an left 
everybody you meet slap over the face an eyes." 
Now, the truth is, Majer, I've been " sloshin 
around" sence I've been President, hittin in the 
dark, an not knowin exzacly where I struck. This 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 167 

Proclymashin of mine is a hit in the dark, but as 
I amthe first anti-shivery President, I've got to 
mark out a new track, an hence do as old Bill 
Jones did, keep " sloshin around." 

" Wall," ses I, " Kernel, that's resky business, 
an ef you don't ' slosh ' once too often, it will be 
a wonder. Bat," ses I, « Kernel, Fine terribul 
tired after this trip, an what do you say to haviu 
a little old rye before we go to bed?" — " That's 
jest what I was thinkin of, Majcr." The Kernel 
then told the feller in bad close, who does chores 
for us, to get us some, an we both tuk a good swig 
of gene wine rye-juice, an went to bed. I was 
eenamost tuckered out, but this mornin I feel 
nigh about as good as ever agin. 
Yours till deth, 

Majer. Jack Downing. 



168 LETTERS OP 



LETTER XIX. 

The President Nervous — Tlie State Elections — Mr. Lincoln Aston- 
ished — He Takes Cordial — Mr. Seward Tarns Democrat ~ The 
Major Tells a Story — Mr. Seward and the Major Take a Drink 
— How John Van Buren got Gen. ScoWs Letter — Mr. Sta?tt<m 
on the Elections. 

Washington, Oct. 20th, 1862. 
To the Editers of the Cawcashin : 

Surs : Wal, the Kernel has ben sick agin. It 
is astonishin how iittel takes him down now-a-days. 
His constitusbin seems to be eenamost clean gone. 
Old rye don't do much good, an I've tried all 
sorts of medicin, but nothin seems to work well. 
This time his narves were terribly worked up, an 
he was so fidgety, that I koncluded to try Godfrey's 
Cordial. This cooled him down a doocl deal, and 
but not until he tuk nigh unto four or five bottles 
full. The cause of all this flutter was the recent 
elecshins in Ohio, Indiany an Pennsylvany. The 
Kernel had been told by Sumnure, Greeley an 
Andrews that the only way to carry the elecshins 
this fall, was to issoo an emancipashun proelama- 
shun ; that if he didn't do it, the party would be 
completely whipped out in every State. So ho 



MAJOR .JACK DOWNING. 1G9 

koncluded to try it, but wen the returns cum in, 

you never did see sucli a woe-begone lookin man. 

One nite he heerd sum bad news from Ohio, an 

gettin up in his nite gown, he cum to my room and 

axed what I thought about it. I struck a lmmt an 

got out my slate. The Kernel had Greeley's last 

year's almanac in his hands. Ses lie, " Majer, 

let's go down to the telegraf offis, and sec how the 

majorities run, an we can be able to give a guess 

that will cum as nigh to it as the jump of a rabbit." 

So I jist put on my duds, an off we went. The 

news cum in thick an fast, an as the feller at the 

telegraf read off the figgers, I put 'em down on 

my slate, an the Kernel compared them with his 

own majorities in Greeley's primer. I see he was 

turnin all sorts of colors, an finally," ses he, 

" Majer, we are gone jist as kompletcly as if we 

were up Salt River now, instead of bein here. File 

jest like to swap places with sum hoss-jockey, an 

go into the hoss contract line." Ses he, " Majer, 

let's go hum. I've seen all of this elephant that 

I want to." So he crammed his coat-tail pocket 

full of despatches, an off we started. When he 

got hum, ses he, " Majer, my administrashin is 

the biggest failyure that ever tuk place in 

the history of this or eny other country. I 

now see that jest as plain as I see that bottle of 

old rye there. I've listened to those infernal fools, 
8 



170 LETTERS OP 

Snmnure an Greeley, an a pretty scrape they have 
got me in." 

Ses I, " Kernel, it ain't my natur to hit a man 
wen he is down, or to hurt anybody's feelins by 
referrin to the past. " But," ses I, " don't you 
rekollect the story about « applyin the princi- 
ple?' " Ses he, " Yes, I do ; I recollect it well. 
" Wal," ses I, " now see the result of ' applyin the 
principle.' I told you then that you'd get scorched 
was than Zenas Humspun did in meddlin with the 
telegraf, if you undertook to carry out the princi- 
ple of Abolishun, but you sed the thing must tech 
the bottom, an you was bound to put it through. 
Now, you see, the people don't support you. They 
don't want niggers made equal to white men, nor 
they don't want 'em freed to be a tax on 'em. A 
few fellers like Greeley, whose brains all seem to 
run to bran-bread, an free luv, or some other 
moonstruck nonsense, an some larned fools like 
Snmnure, want to try the experiment, but they 
don't represent the people. So you see, Kernel, 
that in applyin the principle you have kicked your- 
self over, an I only menshin it to show you that if 
he had followed my advice you would not have had 
these grate defeats to mourn over." 

The Kernel looked very solem, an ses lie, " Ma- 
jer, I know I'd been a great deal better off if I'd 
followed your advice all through these trubbils, 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 171 

but you see I had to go with my party, and if it 
had carried me to the other side of Jordon, I 
s'pose I should have gone with it." 

That nite I thought the Kernel would go into 
spasms, he was so nervous. I got some hot water, 
an soaked his feet in it, rubbed his bowels 
with brandy, an laid flannel on 'em, an bathed his 
temples in camfire an rum. But he grew wus all 
the time. Finally, I began to pore the Cordial 
down him, an then he commenced to revive. But 
he didn't sleep scacely a wink all nite. In the 
mornin he was the most limpsy piece of mankind I 
ever did see. I ralely believe he might have been 
tied in a knot like an eel, he was so limber. 

Jest a little while after breakfast, who should 
come in but Seward? He hadn't hardly spoken to 
me sence I blowed him for alterin the Kernel's 
Constitushinal Teliskope, but this mornin he was 
as perlite an as clever as he could be. Ses 
he, " Majer, the elecshin news is good, an our 
party is successful." Ses I, "Mr. Seward, I 
don't understand you." " Why, Majer," ses he — ■ 
and he put on one of the queerest smiles I ever sec 
on a man's face — " don't you know I have turned 
Dimmocrat ?" Ses I, " You don't say so." " Yes," 
ses he, " I'm a Dimmocrat now, an no mistake." 
The Kernel looked as if thunder had struck him. 
" Wal," ses I, " Mr. Seward, that reminds me of 



172 LETTERS OP 

a story, as the Kernel would say." " Wal," ses 
he, " Majer, what is it? I always like to hear 
your stories. They are so pat." " Wal," ses I, 
" mebby this will turn out to be a little patter 
than you like ; but, howsoever, as I never spile a 
good story for acquaintance sake, I will tell it. 
Once on a time, it is said, an old coon went out of 
a night to get some fodder among the cornfields, 
an did not return to his hole until near mornin. 
Wen he got hum he saw a skunk had taken pos- 
session of his hole. He went up, an ses he, 
'Who's there?' The skunk replied, <A coon.' 
6 Are you a coon V ' Yes,' said the skunk, 
4 I'm a coon.' ' Wal,' sed the coon, « you don'< 
look like a coon ; you don't act like a coon, and 
I'll be darned ef you smell like a coon.' " 

" Now," ses I, " Mr. Seward, you may be a Dim- 
mocrat, but you don't look like one, nor act like 
one, nor smell like one, an I'll be darned ef I be- 
lieve you are one." 

Ses he, " Majer, you are rather personal." 
" Wal," ses I, " I don't mean any offence, an," ses 
I, " if you really mean to be a Dimmocrat, let's 
take a drink of old rye over the victories in Ohio, 
Pennsylvany and Indiany." So he cum up an Ave 
both took a good swig of wiskey. The Kernel 
looked at us an grit his teeth. " Wal," ses he, 
ef you are goin to rejoice in my defeat, I'll go over 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 173 

an call on Stan (in, an see ef he can't cheer me up." 
So the Kernel went off. After he'd gone, Seward 
an I tuk another nip of the old rye, an purty soon 
we tasted of it agin. The Seckretary is a capital 
drinker, an he knows what good licker is as well 
as eny feller I ever see. Finally he got in a very 
good hmner, an ses he, "Majer, we've been bad 
friends long enough." So he actually hugged me, 
and sed there warn't a man that ever lived that he 
loved so much as the old Ginneral, an next to him 
his friend Majer Downing. Wen I thought I'd got 
him in a good humer an be was very talkative, ses 
I, " Mr. Seckretary, kin you tell me how John 
Van Buren got that letter of Ginneral Scott's?" 
Ses he, " Yes, Majer, I kin. You know I don't 
want that feller Wadswurth elected, for he's my 
bitter political inemy ; so the way the letter got 
out was this : — -Weed, you know, is my chum. 
Now, we have an understandin that everything 
that I can't tell him I put in my right hand coat- 
tail pocket. You see then I can deny that 1 made 
it public. That pocket is Weed's pocket, an he 
always goes to it for secrets. Wal, I put the let- 
ter in that pocket, an Weed got it from there. 
Weed also has just such a pocket. All smart pol- 
itishins have such a pocket. Now, Weed's chum 
is Ben Welch, Commissary Ginneral, an Ben got 
it out of Weed's pocket. Now, John has long 



174 LETTERS OF 

been a chum of Ben's, an he got it out of Ben's 
pocket. That's the way that this letter got out, 
that there is so much mystery about. 

Rite off after this the Kernel came in, an we 
had to drop the conversashin, for Seward gave me 
the wink as much as to say that he didn't want 
Linkin to know everything about it. 

Then I asked the Kernel what Stantin sed. He 
sed Stantin was in favor of issooing a proclama- 
shin, over the grate victories of the Administra- 
shin in Ohio, Indiany, Pennsylvany an Iway. He 
sed the people didn't put any faith in newspapers 
any more, an a proclamashin declarin that the 
elecshins had all gone favorabul would be believed 
without winkin. Stantin thinks there ain't no thin 
so powerful as a proclamashin. Seward said afore 
it was done, the Cabby net had better be called to- 
gether. Here the matter dropped, an as the Ker- 
nel looked uncommon blue, I left him to his own 
reflecshins, an went up-stairs to my room. 
Yours till deth, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 175 



LETTER XX. 

The New York Election — Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story — Cannot Do 
Justice to the Subject — Mr. Lincoln Feels Bad — The Major 
Amuses him by a Joke — How to get up a Message — Keeping a 
Party Together — Tli j - Excelsior Political Prepared Glue — The 
Different Stripes of Abolitionists — Boating on, the Mississippi 
River — Poleing Along. 

Washington, Nov. 10th, 1862. 
To the Ed iters of the Cawcashin ; 

I expect you were very much surprised in not 
gettin a letter from me last week, but the truth 
is, I got one partly writ jest as the news of the 
elecshins in New York an Jersey cum in, an I 
should have finished it an sent it on ef the Ker- 
nel had not been taken down sick so sudden. 
Wen the rumor fust cum that York city had gone 
over thirty thousand for Seemore, an that Fernan- 
dow an Ben. Wood an Jeemes Brooks had been 
elected to Congriss, the Kernel didn't say a word, 
but looked as ef he'd drop down thru the 
floor. I didn't like to speak fust, but I see the 
Kernel warn't going to, an so scs I, " How do 
you feel, Mr. Presidint ?" " Wal," ses he, " Ma- 
jer, I'll tell you a story. A good meny years ago 



176 LETTERS OF 

there lived in lower Kentuck an old feller named 
Josh Miller. Now, it was generally reckoned in 
that part of the country that old Josh could out- 
swear eny feller that ever lived. Josh was a kind 
of gineral teamster, an had a two-hoss wagou with 
which he did chores for everybody round the vil- 
lage. One day he had on a load of ashes, an was 
goin up a steep hill, sittin on the fore part of his 
wagon. Wen about half way up the hind-board 
of his wagon cum out, an old Josh not lookin 
round, nigh about all the ashes jarred out, so wen 
he got to the top of the hill he didn't have a pan 
full left. He stopped his hosses, however, an got 
out, an a hull lot of fellers, who knew the ability 
of old Josh in the swearin line, gathered around 
expecting to here the tallest kind of strong words. 
The old feller looked fust at his wagou an then at 
the ashes all strewed along the road, an finally 
ses he, 'Boys, there's no use in tryin — I cant do 
jestice to the subject.' An now, Majer," ses the 
Kernel, " That jest my condition now — I can't do 
jestice to the subject, an I don't feel like talkin ; 
in fact, I can't talk." 

I see the Kernel felt very baxl, an ef he couldn't 
talk nor tell stories, I didn't know wat on arth 
might happen. I was afeered he would get so full 
that sumthin like the dropsy would set in. An 
sure enufj that nite not a word did he speak, nor 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 177 

a story did he tell. The consekence was, lie be- 
gan to swell an bloat like a mad porkepine. I 
see at once that I must turn doctor agin, or there 
was no tellin how soon he might kick the bucket. 
He was growin wus fast, actually beginnin to look 
blue. So ses I, tc Kernel, there's no help for it : 
yon must be tapped !" " Tapped !" ses he, " Majer, 
tapped ! There warn't enything ever tapped in my 
house that lasted more that a week. Oh no ! I 
ain't recldy to die yet." I see the " rulin pashin 
was strong in deth," jest as the poet's say ; but as 
soon as I got a joke out of him, I knew that he 
would survive. So thinks I to myself, I'll see ef I 
can fetch him to by another joke ; so ses I, " Ker- 
nel, suppose ' tappin ' should kill you, you would go 
to a world of spirits /" 

Wen I said this, he jumped rite up out of his 
chair, laughin, an takin me by the hand, ses he, 
" Majer, you arc the best frend I've got. Wen I'm 
sick you doctor me, an wen I'm down spereted you 
jest joke me rite out of the dumps." Ses he, " Ma- 
jer, I've a good mind to make you Commander-in- 
Cheef of the Army." " No, no," ses I, " Ker- 
nel, don't do that, for I should think you had sum- 
thin agin me, an wanted to hand me over to the 
Abolishinists to be punished!" 

The Kernel and I have also been bizzy sence 
I wrote you last in getting up the next mes- 
8* 



178 LETTERS OF 

sage. He has been ritin his ideas on little 
slips of paper about two inches wide, as they have 
happened to pop in his head, an then submitten 
'em to me to sort of polish up. The Kernel ses 
that ritin a message is a good deal like gettin out 
timber for a barn in the woods. Fust, you want 
the sills, then the posts, then the girders, then the 
plates, an finally the rafters. We ain't got the 
sills fairly hewed out and squared yit. The truth 
is, the Kernel is kinder worried as to how exactly 
to lay the founclashin. Wilson, who is now here, 
ses the sills must be of Abolishin timber, and no 
mistake. I tolled the Kernel that sich stuff was 
the poorest kind of bass-wood, an wouldn't stand 
nohow. Then he thought of puttin in a mixture 
of Abolishin timber an sum constitutional saw- 
logs, but I telled him that that would make it 
so cross-grained that it wouldn't bear eny weight 
at all, an by the time we got the rafters on it 
would all smash down in a pile. " Wal," ses he, 
" Major, I must do sumthin to keep my party to- 
gether. I must contrive sum sort of a mixture 
that won't look too much Abolishin, an yet that 
won't drive off the old, genewine friends of free- 
freedom." "Wal," ses I, "I don't think your 
party kin hold together much longer, enyhow. It 
seems to me it is mity nigh now fallen to pieces, an it 
won t take much longer to knock it into so mcnny 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 179 

pieces that you can't no more putty 'em together 
than you can find the tail of a rainbow." 

' ; Wal," ses the Kernel, " Major, don't you think 
I've done well in kecpin it together as long as I 
have ?" Ses I, « Yes, Kernel, ef there's a feller 
in this country that ought to git out a patent for 
' Excelsior Political Prepared Glue,' it is you. 
You've kept together the most cross-grained, 
knotty, knerly lot of political timber that ever 
was made up into eny political party." Ses I, 
there's the Greeley stripe. Now, it's enuf to give 
any party the dyspepsy to have such a set of bran- 
bread, free-luv, long-haired set of fellers in it. 
An ther's Gerrit Smith an his stripe, a kind of 
maroon-colored, mongrel breed of politicians, sum- 
thin like a cross between a Jamacy nigger an an 
Esquimaw ; an then ther's Wendell Phillips an 
old Garrison, sort of Abolishin alligators; an 
lineally you've got a sort of half-an-half fellers 
in your party who try to be conservative, who 
quote Blackstun and the law dicschinnaries, an set 
great stress upon being very moderate. Now, 
how you've contrived, Kernel, to keep all these 
different ingredients together is a mystery." 
" Wal, Major, ef I hadn't larn't sum thin about 
boatin on the Mississippi River, wen I was young, 
I don't believe I would over have been able to 
steer the ship of State at all." "Why," ses I, 



180 LETTERS OF 

"how is that?" " Wal," ses he, "goin up the 
Mississippi River is a good deal like being Presi- 
ding Sumtimes you have to go one way and sum- 
times another. Sumtimes you go slam rite in one 
bank an sumtimes in t'other, and then it ain't at 
all oncommon to get on a sand-bar, an lay there 
no one can tell how long. Now, Majer, that's a 
good deal like being Presidint, an you see I've 
kept my party together by jest goin first one way 
an then t'other. Wen the Abolishin tide cum along 
strong, Fde jest let the vessel foller the current, 
go with it, an wen she struck the other shore, of 
course, it would take another tack. Sumtimes, 
when all hands got a quarrelin, I jest let her rip 
rite on a sand-bar, and there let her lay until I 
made 'em settle their disputes. But, I tell you, 
Majer, there's one that has been the best of all to 
keep my party together. Wen they've got purty 
mutinous, I've threatened to discharge all hands 
an get a new set. Then you ought to see how soon 
they stop quarrelin. Ther's nothin they so much 
dred as to lose the offices. Take away the cow 
that gives the milk, an they would all blat jest 
like weaned calves. So wen I stop the ship an 
tell them that I'm goin to clear the deck an put on 
a new crew, I tell you they are as whist as mice. 
So you see, I go poleing along. First this way, 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 181 

thra tbat, jest like goin up the Mississippi River, 
ibi- all the world." 

kt Wal, "ses I, " Kernel, that seems to me a 
rather ^ ap-hazard, no-policy way of hein Presiclint. 
It ajii'/ statesmanlike." " Wal, Majer, mebby it 
is sivV/vebbv it ain't : but I'm a*oin to make things 
shakd /.oiv, sence the elecshins are over. Things 
have got to be more lively." 

I didn't say nothin, for I seo the Kernel was 
gcttin his back up. At last, ses I, " Kernel, have 
you tried eny of that old rye lately ?" Ses he, 
" No, Majer, I ain 1 t, but I feel like wettin my 
gills to-nite. How do you feel ?" " Wal," ses I, 
" Kernel, a little good whiskey never goes agin 
the grain." At that the Kernel sent for the feller 
who does chores, an we both took a swig. Wen I 
thought he. was in party good humor, ses I, " Ker- 
nel, why did you remove McClellin ?" Ses he, 
" Majer, I can't tell you now, but jest recollect my 
story about ' polein around,' an gettin in 'Abolishin 
currents,' an you kin guess." I sed nothin, for I 
see the Kernel was very mum, so I bid him good- 
nite, and slept as sound on that old rye as I ever 
did wen I was a boy. The Kernel is famous for 
good whiskey, anyhow. 

Yours, till deth, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



182 LETTERS OF 



LETTER XXI. 

Tlie Message — A Cabinet Council — Speeches of Scivard, Chase, 
Stanton, Welles, Blair and Bates — Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story 
— The Major Gives His Opinion — Mr. Chase Accuses Him of 
Disloyalty — The Major Demands a Retraction — It is Given. 

Washington, Nov. 22, 1882. 
To the Editers of The Cawcashin : 

Surs : — Wal, the messige ain't done yet. The 
Kernel keeps tinkerin at it a little every day. 
I tell him he is jest like a cooper hammerin at a 
barrel. He keeps poimdin away, an when he 
gits thru, lie is rite around jest where he started 
from. The other clay I telled the Kernel that it 
mite hurry up matters by havin a Cabinet Coun- 
cil, and perhaps by gettin all heels together we 
mite git the messige in sum sort of shape. Con- 
gress would meet afore long, an there was no time 
to loose. The Kernel sed he thought that would 
be a good idee, an so one was called. The Ker- 
nel insisted that I should be present, though I 
didn't much want to be, sence I knew how Seward 
was trying to play the conservative and turn Dim- 
mycrat. Howsoever, I determined to go but to 
say nothin. The Kernel opened the ball by tellin 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 183 

all bands how that he an the Majer had been to 
work at the mcssige for some weeks, off an on, 
like farmers sortin their corn, but they couldn't 
git the docyment into ship-shape exactly, an hence 
he had called 'em together to hear their opinions 
on the subject, an to larn how each department, 
stood. He seel he wanted to tech on all subjects, 
an fust he would ask Mr. Seward about our furrin 
affairs. Seward got up, lookin very pale, an the 
fust thing he sed was, that he believed Seemore 
was elected Guvernor of New York. Mr. Chase 
wanted to know " what that had to do with for- 
eign affairs, but," ses he, an here the looked very 
knowin, " perhaps Mr. Seward kin tell how See- 
more cum to be elected ?" At this Seward brushed 
up an asked him " what he meant?" " Wal," ses 
he, "I mean jest this, that if you an Weed had 
not thrown cold water on Wadsworth, Seemore 
would never have been elected." " That's false," 
ses Seward, an Chase jumped up as if lie was goin 
to do sumtbin, but the Kernel at once interfered, 
an sed that he didn't send for 'em to quarr 1 about 
the elecshins, which were bad enough, LoiV, knows, 
but he wanted to know how the furrin affairs 
stood. Seward sed, " that, comin to the \ int. fur- 
rin affairs never looked better. We were at 
peace with all the world, an he didn't doubt but 
with the aid of his friend Weed, and a liberal use 



184 LETTERS OF 

of secret service money, he would be able to keep 
the peaee. He' sed it looked now as if, in sixty 
days, that all idee of furrin inter venshin for the 
rebils would be given up, an then the rebelyun 
would be smashed at once." 

Then the Kernel asked Mr. Chase how the finan- 
cies stood. Wal, Chase sed that everything 
was working splendid ; that only the other day he 
got a loan in Wall street above par ; that every- 
thing was risin in. price, an that the people was 
tickled to dcth with the good-lookin notes he got 
out ; that they liked 'cm so well, an they were so 
much handier than gold an silver, that they didn't 
use enything else lately. He sed he thought he 
was going to be set "down as the greatest financier 
since the days of Liecurgus, who made money out 
of iron, an thus made all the people rich at once. 
He said that he would make 'em all rich, ef paper 
didn't get too high, an there was some danger of 
it, as the pesky rebils had all the cotton to make 
it of. Jest get that, an he would snap his fingers 
at the hull world. 

Then Stantin got up. He sed everything was 
now progressin finely sence the Ralerode Sooper- 
intendent had been discharged. He didn't doubt 
but Burnside would be in Richmond by the time 
Congress met, an he thought it was so sure, that 
he advised Linkin to put it in his Message at once. 



MAJOr JACK DOWNING. 185 

He sed his idee was, as soon as Richmond was 
taken, to issoo a proclamashin appointing a day of 
thanksgiv'n an prayer for our victory over the 
rebils. He sed, ef his plans had been followed, 
we would have been in the rebil Capital long ago, 
but it was all rite now, and no one need have eny 
fears. 

Then grandfather Welles spoke. He sed Mr. 
Stantin seemed to think that the army was goin 
to do all, but he could tell him that he would find 
that his gunboats were to play a big part. He 
had been all summer buildin a hull lot of iron- 
plated monsters, an ef the war didn't cum to an 
end too soon, they would make the fur fly. At all 
events, they would be reddy to celebrate peace, 
which would be somethin. For his part, he didn't 
think the war was nigh ended ; yet in fact, he 
didn't see how it could end until all the contracts 
were finished. It would'nt do to disappint so 
many good members of the party, who hadn't yet 
had their turn buyin vessels on commission, or 
makin gunboats. 

Then Mr. Blair got up, lookin as if lie thought 
that wisdom would surely die when he did. He 
sed he reckoned that the country was safe. He 
sed he had kept a pretty close watch on the news- 
papers to see ef eny of them opposed the war or 
advocated slavery. He thought that the people 



186 LETTERS OP 

never had had sich advantages in the Post-Office 
as they had had senee he was Postmaster-Gineral. 
The people, he sed, used to have to pick out the 
papers they wanted to take themselves, now he did 
it for 'em. He sed he thought he knew best, too, 
what was good for them, for his father was an edi- 
tor a good meny years, an when he needed infor- 
mashin he allers called on the old man! When 
Blair sot down, the Kernel called upon Mr. Bates, 
but he had gone to sleep, so they skipped him and 
called upon Mr. Smith. He sed that the interior 
department was in a flourishin condishin, but he 
heel lately heered that the loco focos had agin car- 
ried Indianny, and it had so worried him as to 
give him the tooth-ache. Ef they wanted to know 
any thin more about this department, he would ask 
his chief dark. Here the Kernel asked Seward 
ef he wouldn't wake up Mr. Bates. Seward jest 
walked up, tuk his finger and thumb and pinched 
the old man's nose. As he was breath in very 
hard thru it, he jumped up as ef he had ben prick- 
ed with a pin. Sos he, " have the rebils took 
Saint Lewis?" Seward telled him that this was a 
Cabbynet Council. " Aye," ses ho, ;; what's up V* 
" Wal," ses Linkin, "we want to know the con- 
dishin of your, department?" Ses he, Ci I ain't a 
military Ginncral, an ain't got command of no de- 
partment!" The old man warn't fairly awake 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 187 

yet ; ses Seward, ses he, " I guess I'll have to give 
him another pinch." < ? Now," ses the Kernel, 
" that reminds me of a story. An old Dominy 
clown in Connecticut used to have a very sleepy 
congregashin. One day, wen a good many were 
asleep, he stopped rite in the middle of his sermon, 
and called out, ; Deacon Giles, sing the 119th 
Psalm, to the tune of Old Hundred.' The Deacon 
commenced and sung one verse. Wen he got thru, 
the Dominy yelled out at the top of his voice, ' sing 
another varse, Deacon ; they ain't all awake yit.' " 
Wile all hands were laughing at the Kernel's story, 
Mr. Bates got putty wide awake, and sed that his 
business had got sorter mixed up with Stantin's, and 
in fact there warnt any courts or judges or juries 
now, an mity little need of Atturny Ginnerals — 
the Ginnerals were all of another kind. He sed 
wen the war was over he meant to write out a le- 
gal opinion agin it, but he was afeered it wouldn'i 
be loyal to do it now, and so he spent most of hi: 
time in reading a bound volume of the Christiax 
Almanac, which he had for fifty years back. He- 
thought the country was in a very prosperous con- 
dishin, for he drew his salary regular. 

After he got thru, the Kernel called on mo tc 
make sum remarks, but I tolled him " I didn'1 
cum there to say enything, but only to listen, an 
to see ef I could lam enough of what was goin <m 



188 LETTERS OF 

to complete the message." They all set in then, 
especially Seward, an seel I must give my im- 
preshins, ef nothin more. " Wal," I telled 'em, 
" ef I seel eny thing I should be jest as blunt as a 
pump-handle, an they mustn't take no offence; an 
that so far as I was consarned, I might jest as well 
go to a singin school to larn to dance as to have 
cum here to find en v thins; about the state of the 
country. Every one of 'em seemed to be thinkin 
about himself, an nothin about the country. Be- 
cause they drew their salary regularly, an had 
enough to eat and drink, they thought noboetywas 
hurt. I telled 'em that I guessed they all had on 
" Glorification Spectacles," an that everything was 
magnified to 'em. Then I sed that jest what the 
Kernel wanted to know to put in his message was, 
how many sojers we had, an how much they were 
costin ; an how many sailyurs we had, an how 
many ships, an how much they cost. Then I telled 
'em that the people would like to know how many 
poor fellers had lost their lives sence the war be- 
gun ; how many had been crippled, &c, &c; an 
how much the debt would be alter we all got thru'; 
an finally, what great good we had got by it all. 
Here Chase spoke up. Scs he, " We'll establish 
freedom an restore the Union." " Wal," ses I, 
4 s ef you want four millions of niggers to take keer 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 169 

of, you're welcome to 'em, but as for restorin the 
Union by war, so far it's jest been like climbin a 
greased pole ; as fast as you climb up you slip 
back, an," ses I, " it will be so to the cend of the 
chapter, unless I'me mistaken." Ses Chase, ses he, 
"The Majer is disloyal." Wen he sed that I 
jumped rite up with my hickory, an ses I, " Ain't 
your name Salmon?" Ses he, "Yes." " Wal," 
ses J, " it won't be long if you don't take that 
back." I never see a feller look so scart. Ses 
he, " Majer, I didn't mean eriy offence, an so I'll 
take it back, for I think you mean well." I telled 
him " that I didn't allow enybody to say or to in- 
timate that I warnt a friend to the Constitushin 
and the Union." 

The Kernel here spoke an sed that his Cabbynet 
was a good deal like old Josh Pendleton's boys 
out in lower Ulinoy. They allers cum hum every 
New Years to see the old man an have a talk of 
old times, but afore they got thru they allers had 
a regular fite. So he thought he'd adjurn the 
Cabbynet for fear there would be a scrimmage 
here. 

Then they all took their departure, an the mes- 
sige ain't no nearer done than ever. The Kernel 
an I have set up nite after nite, an drank old rye, 
but it is no use, we can't get it in ship-shape form. 



190 LETTERS OF 

The Kernel ses he guesses he will jest get the mes- 
sige out in rough and send it into Congris, an let 
Sumnure, Chandler, Lovejoy an Thad Stevens lick 
it into shape. 

Yourn till deth, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 191 



LETTER X XII. 

The Message Finished — Mr. Sumner says it is not Grammatical — 
TJie Major's Excuse — Mr. Svmner Finds Fault with the 
Major's Spelling — 1 he Major Stumps Him — He Gives His 
Views on " EdicatiorC — Mr. Lincoln Proposes a Connundrum 
— The Major Tells a Story — Mr. Seward's Opinion on the 
War. 

Washington, Dec. 6th, 1862. 
To the Eliters of the Cawcashin : 

Surs : — Wal, I'm glad to say that Congriss has 
got together, an the Messige has been red an di- 
gested. He wouldn't let Seward or Chase have 
enything to do with it, but he jest mauled it all 
out himself. The next day arter the Messige was 
sent in, Sumnure cum in an sed the Messige warn't 
exactly grammatikal in all its parts. I tolled him 
that " I guessed ef he had to work around short 
corners as the Kernel did, without gettin tripped 
up, he would find it mity hard work to get every- 
thing jest according to grammer." I telled him 
" grammer warn't of eny ackount wile the re- 
bellyun lasted — that, like the Constitushin, the 
grammer was suspended, or locked up where habus 
korpus couldn't get at it. In fact," scs I, " Mr. 



192 LETTERS OF 

Sumnure, I think that eny man who talks about its 
bein necessary to obsarve the laws of grammer, or 
any other laws, wen a nashin is in a deth struggle 
with traiturs, is a disloyal person, an orter to be 
sent to Fort La Ficit." Wen I sed this, Sumnure 
turned all sorts of colors, an ses he, is Wal, Ma- 
jer, perhaps you're rite about grammer ; but J 
think you orter spell the President's name rite in 
your letters. It's a disrespect to the Cheef Maj- 
estrate not to do it." " Wal," ses I. " Mr. Sum- 
nure, I've got my own idees on spellin. Spellin 
is a good deel like sparkin the gals — it's jest as a 
feller takes a noshin. My idee is, ef I spell a 
word so as to git its sound, I'm rite, an I don't 
keer wat you say, it's the only rule of spellin that 
holds good in the long run. Now," ses I, " ef 
L-i-n-k-i-n don't spell Linkin, what on arth does 
it spell ?" That seemed to stump him. " But," 
ses he, " Major, there's some ginncral rules that 
orter be observed — rules that the schools all use." 
" Wal," ses I, "I don't know much about schools, 
an I guess the Kernel don't nether. I went to 
school six weeks, an the Kernel ses he went six 
months. School larnin is mity poor truck to put 
into a feller's heel onless he's got a good deal of 
brains there. There's more edicated fools now 
in the world than there are fools of eny other, 
kind, an there's a great mennv of them, Lord 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 193 

knows. And," ses I, " it's those edicated fools 
that make all the trnbbil." 

" Why, Majer," ses he, " you ain't an enemy to 
edication, I hope." 

" Wal, no, Mr. Senator, I ain't no enemy to ed- 
ication; I only hate edicated fools." — 

Ses he, " Majer 3 what do you mean by edicated 
fools ?" 

'* Wal," ses I, " wen I was a boy, an went to 
school the six weeks I speak of, there was a boy 
in my class who could beat me a spellin an readin, 
an in eenamost everything-, but I could lick him 
jest as easy as I could whistle. He hadn't eny 
more spunk, or pluck, or courage than a sick kit- 
ten, an mighty little genewine common sense. His 
father, however, sent him to college, an the fust 
thing I heerd of him, the papers were callin him 
a larncd man, an he ain't done eny thing ever 
sence but to blab at Abolishin meetins an make 
Abolishin speeches. Now, " ses I, " that's wat 
I call an edicated fool. Jest like the lamed pig, 
he can do wat he larns to do or sees done; but as 
for real common sense to tell wether a thing is 
rite or rong, he ain't worth eny more for it than a 
bull-dog is to catch rats." 

Sumnure looked kinder streaked wen I scd this, 
but I didn't say a word, an jest here the Kernel, 
who had bee^i down stairs to get his boot-jack, 
9 



194 LETTERS OF 

cum in. Ses he, " Good mortrin, Mr. Sumnure. 
I'll bet you one of Chase's green-backs," ses he, 
" that you can't tell why this boot-jack is like an 
offis-seeker." Sumnure seel he couldn't. "WaL" 
ses the Kernel, " because it sticks close to the 
heels of the Presidint." 

I telled the Kernel how that Sumnure sed that 
the Messige warn't grammatikal. " Wal,"ses he, 
" I beleeve everything goes rong sence I became 
Presidint. The country is upside down ; the nig- 
gers are more trubbul than ever before ; the white 
men are cuttin one another's throats, an it seems 
as if Bedlam was let loose ; an now the grammer 
has been violated, they say. " Wal, I wonder 
wat on arth I am fit for. I never succeeded well 
in flat-botein ; I allers had poor craps wen I tried 
to be a farmer ; I was too tall to split rails han- 
dy ; and, as a lawyer, I warn't eny thing more than 
from poor to middlin. Ef I can't be Presidint, I 
don't see wat on arth I was made for." 

" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, perhaps you are like 
the old Quaker's dog." Ses he, " How was that, 
Majcr ?" « Wal," ses I, I'll tell you the story. 
Up in Maine, not far from Downingville, there 
used to live an old Quaker named Hezckiah Pea- 
body. He had a yaller dog that was alius loungin 
around the house. One day Sol. Hopkins, a rough 
old feller, cum along, an ses he, ' Mr. Peabody, I 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 195 

want a dog to hunt foxes ? Do you think your 
dog is good for foxes?' 'Now,' ses the Quaker, 
4 neighbor Solomon, I never tried the dog on 
foxes for the huntin of any animals is not my 
business ; but if thee wishes a dog for foxes, 
accordin to the Scripters, this dog must be a good 
dog for foxes.' ' Wal, will you warrant him 
a good dog for foxes V « I cannot do that, neigh- 
bor Solomon, for I never tried him on foxes ; but, 
accordin to the Scripters, thee can be sure the dog 
is good for foxes.' So old Sol, thinkin that Scrip- 
ter proof must be good, give the Quaker five dol- 
lars for the dog. He took him hum, an the next 
day he saw a fox runnin across one of his lots. 
So he called the dog an showed him the fox, but 
he wouldn't stir an inch after him. This made 
old Sol terribul mad, an the next day he took the 
dog back to the Quaker, an ses he, in his rough 
way : ' Mr. Peabody, this dog is not worth a 
dam !' « Tut, tut, neighbor Solomon, thee shouldn't 
speak profanely with thy lips.' ' That may be,' ses 
old Sol, ' but didn't you tell me that this dog was 
good for foxes.' 6 No, neighbor Solomon, I think 
not. I said accordin to Scripters he must be good 
for foxes.' i Wal,' ses old Sol, s how do you make 
that out V ' Wal, neighbor, the Scripters say, 
4 that there is nothin made in vain," an as I had 
'ried that dog on everything else except fox-hunt in, I 



1 06 LETTERS OF 

thought that that must be what he was made for P 
Now," ses I, " Kernel, I hope it won't turn out 
that you are like. the old Quaker's dog, ' made in 
vain,' or, as old Sol. Hopkins expressed it, ' not 
worth a d — !' but," ses I, ef you don't restore 
this Union before your term expires, the people 
will think that you were a good deal worse than 
the Quaker's dog, for if lie warn't good for eny- 
thing, he didn't do any particular harm." 

The Kernel didn't seem to like this story much, 
for ses he, " Majer, I think you are getin kinder 
personel." Ses I, " No, Kernel ; I don't mean to 
be, but you know stories sometimes will fit closer 
than you think for when you begin to tell 'em." 

Jest here Seward cum in, an with his church- 
yard smile, ses he, " Good mornia, Mr. President. 
I've got good news from England. There won't 
be any intervenshin now, an the rcbellyun Avill all 
be over in 60 days. My friend Weed thinks so, 
too." 

"What's up, Boss?" ses Linkin. That's the 
name he calls Seward by. " Oh," ses he, rubbin 
his hands, " don't you see by the papers what a 
large amount of money the merchants in York are 
subscribin for the poor, patient, starving English 
workmen. God bless 'em." Here Seward drew 
a deep sigh, and then ses he, "It will produce such 
a good effect in England ! Intervenshin is dead. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 197 

The rebellyun is crushed, an all by this grand an 
noble idee of mine to feed the starvin poor. 
What filanthropy will do, when it is done right!" 
An here Seward commenced rabbin his hands an 
walkin about the room, an actin like a gal that is 
jest goin to get married. I didn't say enything, 
an the Kernel didn't say enything either, an it 
warn't a minut afore Seward dodged out of the 
door as quick as he cum in. After he heel gone, 
ses I, " Kernel, how many times has Seward hed 
the rebellyun suppressed ?" " Oh," ses he, " he 
goes to sleep every night with the sartin belief 
that the Union will be restored by daylight ; that 
Jeff Davis will be hanging on a sour apple tree by 
noon, an that he will be elected next President by 
sundown." " Wal," ses I. •« Kernel t I think 
you've got a queer cabinet." kC Yes," ses he, 
" that I have. Seward thinks that his ritin letters 
to Europe is goin to overthrow the rebellyun. 
Chase thinks ic can't be done, except by his green- 
backs an freein the niggers. Old grandfather 
Welles is sure that there is nothin will restore the 
Union except his gunboats ; while Blair feels sure 
that he kin do it by stoppin Dimmecratic papers !" 
Ses I, " Why don't you change 'em ?" " Wal," 
ses he, "what's the use of swappin jackets? 
There ain't nothin to be made by it. No, I won't 
change my Cabynct onless I'm druv to it. It's 



198 LETTERS OF 

bad enough now, but Lord only knows what it 
might be ef I ondertake to change it." 

I was in hopes I could induce Linkin to put in 
some new men, an get out Chase, Seward, Stantin 
an Blair. But it's no use. So we shall jog along- 
after the old fashion. Where we shall be in the 
spring no one kin tell. Congriss has gone to work 
n arnest to fix up the financies, an to take keer 
that the Dimmecrats don't sue Linkin for suspendin 
the habus korpus. The filanthropists are also 
bizzy, an they are goin to give all the niggers here 
a Christmas dinner, which, I suppose, is expected 
to last 'em the year round. Eatin like a Turk one 
day an starvin 364, is, accordm to my idees, a 
poor way of livin. 

Yours, till deth, 

Major Jack Downing. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 199 



LETTER XXIII. 

TJie Major Goes to See the Postmaster- General about Stopping 
Papers — Mr. Blair Promises to Release Tliem — The Presi- 
dent Again in Trouhle — A Change in the Cabinet Demanded 
— The Major Suggests a Remedy for " the Crysis." 

Washington, Dec. 20, 18G2. 
To the Ed iters of The Cawcashin : 

Surs: — Wal, ef I ain't been bizzy sence I writ 
you last, I wouldn't say so. I got your letter 
about seein Blair on the questshin of senclin The 
Cawcashin in the mails, an I hadn't eny doubt 
but he would do it as soon as I put the subjec to 
him in the rite light. Blair's father, "Parson 
Blair," as he used to be called in the old GinneraFs 
time, an I used to be very thick. He helped me 
sifer a good deal wen I was postin the Ginneral 
up about Biddlc's Bank matters. But I hadn't 
seen the old man for a long time ontel I called on 
him tother day. He was dredful glad to see me, 
an shuck my hand as ef he thought there warn't 
no feelin in it. Ses he, " Majer, it's a long time 
sence we've met, an I know you are a loyal man, 
for there ain't no follercr of Ginneral Jackson 



200 LETTERS OF 

that could be enything else." Ses I, ir Ef there's 
a loyal man in this country, I'm one. I go for 
puttin down every feller that's opposed to the 
Constitushin, I don't keer who he is. I only wish 
we had an Old Hickery to step in now an jest deal 
out jestiss all around, without any parshality. I 
guess there's a good raenny fellers that don't expect 
it, who might get histed." " Wal," ses he, 
"Majer, I'm of your idee exactly. The truth is, 
I'm thinkin that this administrashin is played out. 
The Ultrys will ruin it." "Wal," ses I, " Mister 
Blair, I've cum to see you about another matter. 
Your son Montgummery, who used to be a little 
shaver in the old Ginneral's time, has got the 
place of Amos Kindle, an he has been stoppin 
Dimmycratic papers in the mails." " Oh no," ses 
he, "I guess not; only sum disloyal sheets." 
" No," ses I, " I'll give you a hunderd dollars for 
every word of disloyalty agin the Constitushin 
you'll find in that paper." Here I took a Caw- 
cashin out of my pocket, an handed it to him. 
He looked it over an couldn't find nothin to object 
to. Then I showed him the motto at its head, 
taken from his own words about the freedom of the 
press, an then I telled him I wanted him to go 
with me to Montgummery, an see ef the thing 
couldn't be fixed. So we went over, an you never 
see a man stare so as Montgummery did. Ses he, 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 201 

" Majer Downing, I'm tickled to see you. I think 
you have slighted me sence you've been in Wash- 
ington. You've been to see nigh about all the 
members of the Cabynet except me." " Wal," 
ses I, " I don't go around much, except on bizness 
for the Kernel ; but now," ses I, " I've cum on 
another arrand : I've cum to see why you don't 
allow all the Dimmycratic newspapers to go in the 
mails ?" " Wal," ses he, « Majer, that's jest wat 
I'm goin to do. It was bad bizness for us that we 
ever stopped these papers. It made more votes 
for the Dimmycratic party than eny other cause. 
The truth is, it never was my policy. I never did 
beleeve in it, and now they all see it must be given 
up." Ses I, " Mister Blair, ef you didn't beleeve 
in it, you orter have refused to clo it. That ain't the 
way the old Ginneral acted, an he's my model. Ef 
he thought enything was rong, there warn't a mor- 
tal man, high or low, that could have got him to 
do it. He would have died afore he would do wat 
his conscence told him warn't right, an it's them 
kind of men that are great men, an will save our 
country, ef it ever is saved." " Wal," ses he, 
" Majer, you're about right, an I don't think I 
shall stay in this bote much longer. Things are 
goin from bad to wus." " Yes," ses I, " they are 
like old Sol Hopkins's dyin cow, « gettin no better 

very fast.' ' : "But," ses he. "Majer, you can 
9* 



202 LETTERS OF 

rest easy on the papers. We are goin back to the 
Free Press Principal, an let the people have their 
own way." " Wal," ses I, "I'm glad to hear it. 
It's about time there was a change." 

So I bid him good-by, an went back to see the 
Kernel, who I found in a peck of trubbil. Ses I, 
" What's the matter now !" for I saw at a glance 
that sumthin was up. Ses I, " Is Burnside 
whipped agin, or is Stonewall Jackson in our 
rear ?" " No," ses he, " Majer, no thin of that 
sort, but sumthin jest about as bad." "Wal," 
ses I, "what is it ?" " Wal," ses he, " there has 
jest been a committy here from the Senit who de- 
mand that I shall change my Cabbynct. They 
say we don't have eny success, an the peopul de- 
mand a change." Ses I, " Did you kick em 
down stairs ?" " No," ses he, " I didn't." 
" Wal," ses I, " you orter. They mite jest as 
well ask you to resign." Ses I, " Don't your 
Cabbynet agree in your policy ? Don't they do 
as you desire ?" " Yes," ses he, " they do." 
" Wal," ses I, " then what's the use of changin? 
If you intend to change your policy, then it is 
reasonable to ask you to change your Cabbynet, 
but otherways not." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, 
that's my idee exactly, but I didn't tell cm so; I 
thought I would wait an sec what you thought of 
it." " Wal," ses I, " I see the hull cause of the 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 203 

rumpus. The defeat of Burnside has made em so 
wrathy that they didn't know what to do, an they 
thought they must find fault about sumthin." 
Ses I, " Fighten the rebils is jest for all the world 
like bar huntin. A good menny years ago, when 
it was common up in Maine, nigh about all the 
nabors would now an then turn out to hunt a bar. 
If they caught him they used to have a grand 
time, get up a big supper an drink whisky till 
they all got how cum you so. But if they didn't 
ketch the bar, then one was blamin tother, an 
tother anuther. an sumtimes the affair would end 
by gettin into a regular fitc all around. Jest so 
it is now. If Burnside had whipped the rebils, 
it would all have been right." Ses Linkin, ses 
he, " Major, you're right. But what am I do ? 
They komplain about the Cabbynet, an want me 
to change it." < ; Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I tell 
you how to fix it. Get the Committy and Cabby- 
net face to face, an let 'em quarrel it out." 
"That would be a capital idee, Majer, but how 
am I to do it ?" " Wal," ses I, " you jest call the 
Cabbvnet together for twelve o'clock to-morrow, 
an then send for the Committy, an put 'em in the 
same room together, an see how the happy family 
will manage." The Kernel was struck with the 
idee, an so the next day the Cabbynet were as- 
sembled, an pooty soon after the Committy, with 



204 LETTERS OP 

Fessenden as Cheerman, made their appearance. 
You never see a more flustircated set of people in 
this world than these men were. But there was 
no backin out. The Kernel called the meetin to 
order, an sed he had received a good many kom- 
plaints, an he wanted the matter fully discussed. 
Fessenden got up an sed that the peeple were gettin 
tired of the war, an that the only way to satisfy 
'em was to change the Cabbynet. Burnside had 
been defeated, Banks had been sent a great ways 
off, when he was wanted at home, the sojers 
warn't paid, the gunboats warn't finished, &c, 
&c. Chase got up first; he sed if the sojers 
warn't paid it warn't his fault. The fact was, 
that paper had riz onexpectedly, an his stock was 
low. Jest as soon as paper got more plenty, an 
he got the new patent National Ten Cylendar Re- 
volvin Machine at work, the sojers would be all 
paid regular. Then Stantin got up, puffin like a 
porpuss. Ses he, "Mr. President, these ere re- 
marks are impertinent, an if I had my way, I would 
send every one of this Committy to the Old Cap- 
itol. I'de like to know what these men know 
about war, and strategy. Why, they talk about 
the defeat of Burnside. It is nonsense, sir ; he 
ain't been defeated ! The people are humbugged 
by the newspapers. It's a pity there's a news- 
paper in the land They interfere with my strat- 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 205 

egy. Burnside has gained a great success. He 
has discovered the strength of the enemy's works 
at that pint, an now we know that some other 
route is the one to take, an not that one. Ef 
it had not been for this battle, we shouldn't have 
found that out. This Committy of old gentle- 
men, or old women, I had almost said, don't un- 
derstand the art of war. Their talk is sheer im- 
pertinence. I'de squelch em with a proclamashin, 
if no other way." 

Then grandfather Welles got up, an sed he 
didn't like to have fault found because his gun- 
boats warn't redely. He sed he would like to 
see eny one who had worked harder than he had. 
He sed he hadn't slept but fourteen hours a day 
for six months, while his naturel rest required 
eighteen. He hed sacrificed all that for the good 
of his country, and he didn't believe one of the 
Committy hed done as much. Blair got up and 
said he didn't keer how quick they turned him 
out. He was reddy to go eny time, as he thought 
the thing was about played out. Bates sed he 
thought things looked more cheerful than ever 
before, as he hed jest discovered that niggers 
could be citizens, and that the Dred Scott decision 
was a humbug. When tbey all got thru, there 
was a ginnerel talk all around, and they finally 
cum to tie conclusion that there warn't eny 



206 LETTERS OF 

reason for a change after all, an they all went off 
in a pretty good humor. 

So the great Cabbynet crysis ended, and the 
Kernel feels like a new man. My idee of gettin 
them all together face to face, the Kernel ses, 
saved the nashun. That nite we set up till after 
midnight, and finally, after takin a good swig of 
Old Rye, went to bed. The next morning the 
Kernel was as merry as a lark, and could tell 
stories as well as ever. 

Yours till deth, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 207 



LETTER XXIV. 

The Emancipation Proclamation — Tlxe Way to Get ty Richmond 
— Splittiug the Union — The Major Tells a Story about Split- 
ting — The President Gets Indignant — Seizes the Hoot-Jack — 
The Major Pacifies Him — A D'eam — The Major Returns to 
Downingville. 

Downingville, State of Maine, ) 
February 4th, 1863. ) 
To the Uditers of The Cawcashin : 

Surs : — I expect you have bin kinder puzzled 
to know why you ain't heered from me in so long 
a time. I expect you'll wonder, too, why my let- 
ter is dated Downingville instead of Washington. 
Wal, I'll have to narrate the hull story : — You 
know the last letter I rit you was jest a lore the 
first of Jinewary, when the Kernel had promised 
to issoo his Free Nigger Proclamashin. 1 was al- 
lers teetotally down on it, an I thought 1 should 
persuade him out of it, an tharby save t';e great 
disgrace an stane it would be on our count i-y. But 
the truth is, the Kernel an I had a row about it, 
an I left. The story I'll tell jest as it tn': place : 
The mornin after New Year's I cum down stairs, 
an the Kernel was settin in his cheer with his feet 



208 LETTERS OF 

on the tabil. " Wal," ses he, " I've done it." 
"Done what?" ses I. "Why," ses he, "I've 
signed the Proclamashin." " Wal," ses I, "you 
had better have signed your own doth warrant, for 
that is the deth warrant of the Union." Ses he, 
" Majer, I'm sorry you're so hard on that." 
" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, I ain't too hard on it, as 
you'll find out to your sorror." " Now, Majer, 
let me ask you one thing. We must take Rich- 
mond, an ain't we tried every way but this ? Ain't 
we gone by the Shanandore Vally, by Jeemes 
River, by Manasses, an yet we can't get to Rich- 
mond ? We must weaken the rebils afore we can 
do it, an this is the way to effect it." 

Ses I, " Kernel, don't you know there is one . 
way to get to Richmond that you ain't tried yet ?" 
" No," ses he, " I didn't know it." " Wal," ses 
I, " there is." " Wal," ses he, " what on arth is 
it ?" " Wal," ses I, " it is the Constitushinal 
way!" Ses I, " You've bin tryin to git there 
agin the Constitushin, an you can't do it that way. 
Ef you hadn't called out 75,000 men to whip 
South Caroliny, old Virginny would never have 
left you, an you could have got to Richmond jest 
as easy as old grandfather Welles kin go to sleep." 

" Wal," ses he, " Majer, mebby that's so, but 
you can't dip up spilt milk. Ef the thing is 
wrong, it's gone so far now that we may as well 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 209 

drive it thru an see ef we can't clinch it on tother 
side." " But," ses I, " there ain't eny tother 
side to this questshin, eny more than there is a 
white side to a nigger or black side to a white 
man, an you may drive on and on, an you won't get 
thru." " Wal," ses the Kernel, " what will come 
of it then, Majer ?" " Wal," ses I, " you will split 
the Union, but that is all you kin do." " Wal," 
ses he, " Majer, that would be jest like my tarnel 
luck. I never got hold of but one thing in my 
life that I didn't split." Ses I, " What was that?" 
Ses he, "A taller candle, an I defy all creashin to 
split that." Ses I, " Kernel, I guess you must be 
some relashin to the feller out West who split up 
all the churches." Ses he, "How was that?" 
" Wal," ses I, " ef I tell you the story, you must 
not get mad, for I'm afeered it will set putty clus." 
Ses he, " Majer, I can stand a joak better than 
eny other feller you ever see." " Wal," ses I, 
" here goes : There was a feller out West who got 
converted, or thought he did, an jined the Epis- 
copal church. He hadn't bin in it long afore he 
got the members by the ears, an split it all up an 
broke it down. After he had done all the hurt he 
could, he went an jined the Presbyterian church, 
an he hadn't bin there long afore he split that 
all up. Then he went an united with the Baptist 
church. It warn't long afore they were all split 



210 LETTERS OF 

up an broke to pieces. Being turned out from 
there, he went an jined the Methodist church. 
He soon got that church into hot water. One day, 
when the ministers were consultin as to what to do 
with him, ses one of them, ses he, " I've bin prayin 
most fervently that that man may go to hell !" 
"Tut, tut, brother," says the Elder, "how can you 
do so ? You should pray for him that he may be 
better, and be fitted to go to Heaven." " No," ses 
he, " I don't think so. I've prayed earnestly that 
he might go to hell, an I'll tell you why. He has 
split up an broken up every church an neighbor- 
hood he was ever in, an ef he should go to Satan's 
dominions, I think he might split an break up that 
place, an you know what a blessing that would be." 
I hadn't more than got the last word out of my 
mouth, wen the Kernel jumped up from his cheer, 
and ketchin hold of his boot-jack, he flourished it 
rite over his head in a savage style. I thought 
he was stark mad. I got my hickory an backed 
up agin the door. I seed he was tarin mad, but 
I didn't say a word. I know he'd work off the 
bile in his own way. Finally ses he, " Majer, 
wat are you standin there for ?" " Why," ses I, 
" I was waitin to see what you was goin to do with 
that boot-jack." Ses he, " Have I got the boot- 
jack ?" " Wai," ses I, " you've got sumthin in 
your hand that looks a mity site like one." 



MAJOR JACK DOWNIXO. 211 

<' Wal," ses he, " Majer, I want to know whether 
you mean to apply that story to me ?" " No," 
ses I, " Kernel. Didn't I tell you at the outset 
that I didn't ; but you was tellin about what you 
had done in the way of splittin things, an I was 
reminded of that story. But I told you to keep 
your temper, an not take it as personal, but only 
as a joak ?" " Wal," ses he, " Majer, I'll for- 
give you ; but ef I thought you meant that story 
for me, I'd arrest you for disloyal practices, an 
put you in the Old Capital Prison." 

Then the Kernel asked me to take some Old 
Rye with him an mak& up friends. So I did ; but 
I noticed, after that, that the Kernel watched me 
very clus. The very next day I had an awful at- 
tack of rumatiz, an I also felt sick an diseur- 
raged. Thigs never looked so black afore. I 
had a dream that nite, an I thought I saw the old 
Ginneral, an he told me, ses he, " this ain't any 
place for you now. The abolitionists have got. 
full sway, an they will ruin the country as sure a? 
my name is Andrew Jackson." I also dreamed 
that I saw thousands of dyin men, an weepin wini- 
uiin, an cryin children. I thought the doors ol 
the houses all over the North looked, red with 
blood, an a black cloud hung over the hull laud. 
People seemed to be runnin first one way an then 
tot her, askin what they should do. Finally, I 



212 LETTERS OF 

heered a grate noise, like an arthquake, that woke 
me up, an I laid awake the rest of the nite. 

The next mornin I was eenamost down sick 
with trubbcl an rumatiz, an I tolled the Kernel 
1 must go hum, where I could get good kecr'taken 
of me. The Kernel didn't say much agin it, for, 
after all, he didn't kinder like that story. So ses 
I, " Mr. President, I've been with you now for 
about a year, an I've got a clean conscience, for 
I've tried to tell you the rale truth jest as it is. 
Ef all who have cum around you had done the 
same, you would not be where you are ; but," ses 
I, cs I ain't got any feclin on the subject, an 
whenever I can be of any sarvice to my country, 
jest let me know, an I will come to Washinton 
agin." 

The Kernel ses he, " Majer, I know you are a 
patriot, and I feel bad to have you go. I wish 
now I had taken your advice. But," ses he, 
" Major,''" an here he giv my hand a tight squeeze, 
"you know I've only been about in a current, 
an yet like the bout I'll be jest the one that will 
get the worst smashed to pieces when the preci- 
pice is reached." I couldn't help feelin 'kinder 
sorry for the Kernel as I bid him good-bye, but 
1 felt still more sorry for my country that it had 
ever made him President. 

I got hum all safe, an sense then I've been laid 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 213 

up four weeks with the rumatiz. I never had 
such a long pull afore. As for writin with it on 
me, why I can't any more do it than a shad can 
climb a bean-pole. 1 expect you've been won- 
derin why you didn't hear from me, but I think 
this letter will explain the resin. If the rumatiz 
don't come on agin, an I think I kin say anything 
that would of sarvice in this awful and solemn 
crysis of our country's fate, I will drop you a 
line. I feel as if the nashin was dyin, however, 
an that we all orter put on mournin an sack- 
cloth, but come what will, I'm for my country 
Till deth, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



214 LETTERS OF 



LETTER XXV. 

The Major Feels Sorrowful over the Fate of His Country — The 
Story of the Black Heifer — The Man who Made a "Siss" — Tlie 
Union — "Insine" Stebbins Again — His Reception at Down- 
ingville — " TJie Insensible^' '—A Provoking Accident. 

Downingville, March 28, 1863. 
To the Eddytcrs of the Cawcashun : 

Suns : — You may wonder why you ain't heered 
from mo afore ; but the rale truth is, that I didn't 
feel like ritin in these times. I went to Wash- 
inton about a year ago, out of pure patriotism. 
I didn't want a contrack, nor a commission, nor 
enything. I went to give the Kernel good ad- 
vice, jest as I did Ginneral Jackson ; but it warn't 
no go. Somnure an Greeley, an Wendil Fillips, 
an sech stay-at-hum fiten ginnerals got the advan- 
tage of me, an Linkin does jest wat they want 
him to. To an old man like me, these are tryin 
times. I had almost said cryin times ; I can't 
bear to think of 'em. I dream o'nights of my 
country, wen it was all peace an happiness — wen 
ther warn't any sojers nor standin army to pay, 
nor no debt, nor no hospitals full of sick sojers, 
nor no sorrow or misery in the land : an wen 1 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 215 

wake up an think how different it is now, I wish 
I could sleep all the time. The other day old 
Deacon Jcnkens came over to see me. The Dea- 
con, you know, was with me in Washinton a 
short time, wen 1 first went there, and his dar- 
ter Jerusha Matilda went down to Port Royal to 
teach the contrybands their primmers. Wal, the 
Deacon ain't much wiser now than he was a year 
ago. He still thinks that by prayin an fightin 
the rebels will yet be whipped. He used to like 
the Tribune, but lately he ses he prefers the Her- 
ald, as it is more truthful. The old man, howev- 
er, has been very blue for some time past, and 
now ses that prayin an fightin hain't accomplished 
much. " Wal," ses I, " Deacon, there hadn't orter 
been cny war at all : but," ses I, " while the South 
have had a single end an purpose, we've been all at 
odds and ends. The war has been carried on by 
us jest like old Sol Pendergrast's boy ploughed. 
Old Sol took his oldest boy, Adam, a thick-heded 
feller, out one Spring, an set him to ploughin. He 
told him to go to work an strike a furrow across a 
field to n black heifer, an then keep on. After givin 
this direcshin, old Sol went off to the house an left 
xVdam alone. The boy started his oxen in a bee 
line for the black heifer, but wen he got pretty 
clus to her, she threw up her tail an ran off in an- 
other direcshin. Adam thought he must foller the 



216 LETTERS OP 

heifer, no matter where she went ; so he struck 
another bee line for her, and with jest the same 
result. Wen he got clus to her, the heifer give 
another frisk to her tail, an off she went. Adam 
geed his oxen around, and struck for her agin ; an 
so he kept on all day. At nite the old man cum 
out to see how Adam had got along. He found 
the field all cut up with furrows, zig-zag, criss- 
cross, an in every direcshin, an asked Adam wat 
on arth it ment. \ Wal,' ses the thick-headed 
numskull, l you told me to steer for the black heifer, 
an I've done it all day, but the denied critter 
wouldn't stand still, an so the furrows are a 
kinder criss-cross, you see.' Now," ses I, " that 
is jest wat Linkin has been doin. Greeley told him 
to steer for the nigger, an the result is jest like 
Adam Pendergrast's ploughing. There's a con- 
siderable fightin ben done, but it is all criss-cross, 
zig-zag, an don't amount to nothin, an so it will be 
to the end of the chapter." Wen I sed this, the 
Deacon knocked the ashes out of his pipe, an ses 
he, " Wal, Majer, wat do you think the war will 
amount to, enyhow ?" " Wall," ses I, " I guess 
it will end a good deal like the feller who thought 
he could make a horse-shoe jest as well as a black- 
smith." Ses the Deacon, ses he, " How was that, 
Majer ?" " Wal," ses I, " one clay a feller in a 
blacksmith's shop made a bet that he could make 



MAJOR .JACK DOWNING. 217 

a horse-shoe jest as well as the blacksmith him- 
self, though lie hadn't never heated an iron nor 
struck a blow on an anvil. The feller sed it 
didn't require any great gumption to make a 
horse-shoe. So he took a piece of iron an at it he 
went. He put it in the fire, heated it an com- 
menced poundin it, but the more he pounded, the 
more it didn't look like a horse-shoe. He finally 
gave up the job, an said if he couldn't make a 
horse-shoe he could make a wagon-bolt. So at it 
he went, but the more he pounded an the more he 
heated his iron, the less it grew, an finally he 
found that he couldn't make even a wagon-bolt. 
Then he declared that he had iron enough left for 
a horse-shoe nail, and that he would make, but 
upon trying, he found that the most difficult job of 
all. Finally, giving up in despair, ses he, ' Wal, 
one thing I can do enyhow, I can make a siss /' an 
plunging the tongs an what was left of the iron in 
the water, he did get up a very respectable ' siss.' 
Now," ses I, " when he started out, Linkin sed he 
was goin to restore the old Union. That has been 
given up long ago, and now they say they are goin 
to conquer the Southern States, that is, make a 
despotism, but the war will turn out jest like the 
horse-shoe business. Linkin will, after all, neether 
make a Union, or a despotism, or an Empire by it, 
but it will end with a great big ' siss.' That's all 
10 



218 LETTERS OF 

he will accomplish by it, an a dear ' siss ' it will 
be for many a poor fellow. A clear < siss ' it will 
be for the fatherless and the widows, and a won- 
derful clear ' siss ' it will be for the people who 
will have to pay the taxes and foot the bill of war." 
Wen I said this, the Deacon drew a long breth, an 
lookin down on the floor, didn't say enything for 
some minutes. Finally, ses he, " Wal, Major, will 
we have to give up the Union after all ?" Ses I, 
" I don't see eny necessity for that, providin that 
we ldn only stop the war an talk over matters a 
little. But," ses I, " ef the Union is goin to be a 
Union wherein a white man hasn't the right to ex- 
press his opinions, then I must say I don't love 
such a Union as that, an I'm as strong a Union 
man as old Ginneral Jackson, an that was strong 
enough. I am for the old Union, but ef the Union 
is to mean despotism, then I'm for breakin it all 
to smash, as soon as possible. Wen a man begins 
to humbug me by callin things by their wrong 
names to try an deceive me, it alius riles me on- 
accountably. I ain't a very larnecl man, but I kin 
generally see through one of these college chaps. 
Wen he talks Union to me, an all the time means 
despotism, I alius feel jest like haulin up my old 
hickory, an givin him a sockdologer. Why," ses 
I, " Deacon, the feller who wants to turn this 
government into a despotism, an keeps all the time 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 219 

hollerin 'Union,' while he is do-in it, is not only a 
traitor, but a hypocrite an coward. He is afeerd 
to speak his rale sentiments, an so goes around 
try in to deceive the people, jest as the false pro- 
phets in the Saviour's time. I'm teetotally down 
on such fellers, an I mean to be to the end of the 
chapter." 

I almost forgot to tell you that Insine Stebbins, 
who went off to the war, has jest got hum. He 
had a recepshun by the military of Downingville 
wen he arriv. Col. Doolittle called out the 
Downingville Insensibles an the Maroon artillery, 
an all Downingville was in a blaze of glory. The 
Insine has been promoted to be Captin sense he 
went off, for ritin a pome for the contrybands at 
Port Royal, where the Insine was stashioned. The 
Insine is not a bad poet. But you orter seen the 
turnout in Downingville to receive him. Colonel 
Doolittle rode down the street on old Elder Du- 
senberry's sorrel mare, an jest as the cannon was 
blazin forth the joyous news of the Captin's arri- 
val on the ground, old sorrel's colt, that the elder 
thought he had locked up safe in the stable, come 
tarein through the street, an fairly mowed a swath 
rite through the women. Such a yellin an screachin 
ver never heered afore. A good many people 
thought the rebils were comin. Elder Dusenber- 
ry's wife tore her best silk dress, an the Insine 



220 LETTERS OP 

who had primed himself for a big speech on the 
occashin, had it all scart out of him. If it hadn't 
been for that rascally young colt, I think that the 
celebrashin would have been the greatest day 
Downingville had seen sence the time General 
Jackson visited it. The Insine brings the news 
from Washington that the Kernel thinks some of 
pay in a visit to the North, an maybe to the East, 
afore long. Ef he does, he says he wants me to gc 
along with him to help him make speeches and 
keep off the offis-seekers. Ef he sends for me, 
I spose I shall have to go, though I hate to do 

it. 

Yourn till deth, 

Majer Jactc Downing. 



MAJOR JACK DOWSING. 221 



LETTER XXVI. 

Tlie Democratic Party Wldpped — Tilings as bad as they can be — A 
Story in Point — Mr. Lincoln sends for the Major again — Tlie 
Major writes him a Letter — Tlie Return of " Kernel " Stebbins, 
formerly u Insine " — His Reception at Downingville — "Kernel '' 
Doolittle^s Speech — " Kernel " Stebbins 1 Reply — Elder Sniffles 1 
Preaches a Sermon. 

Downingville, Oct. 26, 1863. 
To the Editers of The Dabook : 

Suits: — 'Cause your readers hain't herd from 
me lately, I 'spose they think I'm decl, or gone 
over to the Abolishinists, which is a tarnal sight 
wus : but I ain't in neither fix. I'm pretty well 
jest now. The hot wether, durin the summer, 
kinder tried me, but I carry eighty years jest 
about as well as any man ever did. The resin 
you ain't herd from me is jest this : I've been 
feelin oncommon gloomy and down-spcrited all 
summer. Everything seemed to be goin from bad 
to wus. Linkin wouldn't take my advice an cum 
out agin the Abolitionists, but issued his free nig- 
ger proclamashun rite agin the law an the Consti- 
tushin both. Wal, things have gone down hill 
rapid sence then. The Demmycratic party didn't 



2.22 LETT KItS OF 

cum out bluntly agin this proclamashin, but kept 
on supportin the war, an the consequence is, it has 
whipped all round. Politics are gettin down to 
first principles. 

Things are jest as bad as they kin be, and that 
j.s what encourages me. I shall never forget 
JLTezekiahStebbins, who lived away up in the upper 
oart of Penobscot. One winter it had been awful 
cold weather, and 'Kiah had wonderful bad luck, 
and towards spring it seemed to get worse in- 
stead of better. He had lost his horse, and his 
cow, and his chickens, and all his pigs but one. 
Finally, that died, and the next day I happened to 
go up to his house to see how he was gettin along. 
I found the old man happy as a lark. He was 
singin and shoutin as if nothing had happen'd. 
When I went in, ses I, " 'Kiah, what on airth is the 
matter ?" " Oh," ses he, " the last pig is ded," 
and he went to jumpin and clappin his hands, as if 
he was the happiest man in the universe. Ses I, 
" What possesses you to act so ?" " Wal," ses 
he, " things can't be no wus. The last pig is ded ! 
anything that happens now must be for the better." 
And just so it is with the Dimmycratic party. 
Anything now that happens to it must be for the 
better. And I must confess that I feel a good 
leal like 'Kiah. I don't feel a bit like settin 
down and cry in like a sick baby over spilt milk, 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 



223 



because we've been whipt in the late elecsliins. 
That ain't the way the old Ginral Hickory Jack- 
son taught me Dimmocracy. 

The other day I got a letter from Linkin, 
askin me to cum on to Washinton. He ses he is 
gettinintoa heep of trouble about his next mcs- 
sidge, all on account of the diffikilty which Blair 
an Chase air kickin up about what is to be dun 
with the suthrin States after the rebelyon is put 
down. He ses he wants me to help git up the mes- 
sidge, and kinder fix things up ginrally. I writ 
back that cold wether was cumin on, and my rum- 
atiz would probably trouble me, so I could not tell 
exactly what I would do, but if I could be of any 
service to my country, as long as life lasted, I 
would do my duty. I wrote him, also, about that 
matter of the southern States, an I told him that it 
reminded me of the old receipt for cooking ^ a 
rabbit. " First catch your rabbit" I told him 
they had not got the southern States yet, that they 
sartainly wouldn't get them this year, an I didn't 
see any great likelihood of gettin them next year. 
In fact, the times of the soldiers were mostly out, 
an I didn't believe they would ever get another 
sich an army, an if he followed my advice he would 
get up a Peace this winter without fail. I ain't 
got any answer to this letter, but I shall wait for 
one before I go. If the Kernel talks huffy, I 



221 LETTERS OF 

won't stir a step, for he knows I allers tell him 
the plain, blunt truth, as I believe it. Wen I can't 
talk that way to a man, I won't have nothing to 
do with him. The old Ginneral allers wanted 
everybody around him to speak there rale senti- 
ments. Nothing made him so mad as to suspect 
any body of flatterin him, or shaming in any way. 
The other day Kernel Stebbins cum hum from 
the war. The Kernel has been down to Morris 
Island with Ginneral Gilmur. He ses that the 
sand on that island is kinder onaccountable. The 
Kernel reckons that he has eat nigh about a bushel. 
The Kernel used to be very good on writin poetry, 
but he says all the flatus has oozed out of him, an 
he don't believe he could write a line to save his 
life. We had a grand recepshin for the Kernel 
on his arrival. The Downingville Insensibles 
turned out as usual on sich occashins. You rec- 
ollect that the Kernel went off as an In sine, an 
when he was promoted to be Captain he cum hum 
an we giv him a recepshin. Now he is raised to 
Kernel he cums hum agin. He cums every time he 
gets promoted, to let his old naybors see how he 
looks in his new uniform. I never see the Kernel 
look so well. He has got a span new suit of blue 
uniform, all covered with gold buttons, an gold 
lace an gold shoulder-straps. I tell you, the peo- 
ple looked astonished, and the Downingville folks 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 225 

feel very proud of him. The Kernel expects be- 
fore long to be a Ginneral, and then to be called 
to the command of the Army of the Potomac ! Wen 
the Kernel was received at the Town Hall, Kernel 
Doolittle, who commands the Downingville Insen- 
sibles, made the recepshin speech. The following 
is the speech, with the Kernel's reply : 

" Kernel Stebbins : I am deputed by the citizens 
of Downingville to welcome you once more to your 
native town and hum. ,We have heard of your 
gallant exploits, your glorious bravery, yournever- 
dyin devoshin to the Star-Spangled Banner. Comin 
as you do, covered with the dust and blood of the 
battle-field, we hail you as the friend of the op- 
pressed African and the savior of your country." 

To which the Kernel replied : 

" Kernel Doolittle : I can't begin to express to 
you the feelins of my hart. This occashin is 
techin. Sojers can't make speeches. I've dun 
my duty. I've seen the cannons roar. I've heard 
the flash of a thousand rifles all at once. There 
ain't nothin that can equal it for rite down tall 
sublimity. But, feller-citizens, we ought to be 
most rejoiced now because freedom is going it at 
such big licks. I'me a manifest destiny man. I 
believe freedom is to extend from the frozen planes 
of Alabama to the sunny banks of Newfoundland. 
There ain't nothin kin stop it. It is comin like 
10* 



226 LETTERS OF 

an avalanche from the eternal hills of Giberaltcr. 
Freedom! freedom! will resound from creashin 
come to pullin turnip time, an all the hopples that 
bind the legs of American citizens of Afriken 
'scent will fall off. Them's my sentiments, and I 
don't keer who knows 'em. The old Union ain't 
of any more ackount in these 'ere times than an 
iron pot with a hole in the bottom. Wat we 
want is a new Union which will have for its motto 
the celebrated words of Daniel Webster, " Free- 
dom and niggers — now and forever — one and in- 
spirablc." 

" Amen," yelled out Deacon Jenkins, who had 
been listenin' attentively, as the Kernel sat down, 
and the hull audience broke out into the most 
tumultuous applause. There is a little mistake in 
Kernel Doolittle's speech, where he speaks of 
Kernel Stebbins being covered with the dust an 
blood of the battle-field. Now, the truth was, the 
Kernel, with his new uniform, looked as if he had 
jest cum out of a band-box, but Kernel Doolittle 
had his speech writ out, an he couldn't alter it. 
Kernel Stebbins got on such high hosses, that ho 
talked about seeing the boomin' of cannon an 
hearin' the flash of guns, but the truth was, he 
didn't know exactly what he said an the people 
were so carried away with havin' a live Kernel 
among them, that they didn't notice it. There 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 227 

ain't been nothin' talked of in Downin^-viUe senco 
the Kernel's return, exeept his recepshin. Elder 
Sniffles preached a sarmon on it, takin' for his 
text " There shall be wars an rumors of wars," 
an provin from the Bible that war is the duty of 
all real, genuine Christians. So, you see, there 
ain't a more loyal place in the country, unless it 
be Washinton, where all the office-holders an 
contractors live. But I must close. I did't ex- 
pect to write you but a few lines this time. If I 
go to Washington, I will let you into the secrete 
of the Blair and Chase rumpus, an keep you posted 
up ginerally on things behind the curtin. 
Yours, till deth, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



228 LETTERS OP 



LETTER XXVII. 

The Major Starts for Washington — Takes his Axe with him — Mr 
Lincoln glad to see him — The Cabinet in Session — Th". opinion 
of Seward, Chase, Stanton awd others — Ihe Major called on 
for an opinion — The Story of Old Sam Odum — Mr. Stanton 
gets Excited. 

Washington, Nov. 6, 1863. 
To the Editers of the Dabook : 

The very next day after I writ you my last let- 
ter, I got one from Linkin, tellin me I must cum 
on without fail. He said he was in a peck of 
trubbil about his messige — that Chase an Seward 
were pullin rite in contrary direcshins, an what to 
do he didn't know. So I jest packed up my things, 
took my pipe in my mouth an my old hickery in 
my hand, and started. I strapped my axe on the 
outside of my trunk, for this is the only weepiu, 
besides my hickory cane, that I ever carry. Goin 
down to the cars I met Deacon Jenkins, who went 
on to Washinton, you recollect, to make the Ker- 
nel's sojer clothes, an ses he, " Major, what are 
you takin your axe with you to Washinton for ?" 
« Wal," ses I, "Deacon, I expect I shall get aw- 
ful, tarin mad with them Abolitionists this winter 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 229 

in Washinton, an ther ain't eny way that I km 
work off a fit of 'that kind except by goin out to 
the wood-house an choppin wood. So I deter- 
mined to take along my axe. It is one the old 
Ginncral used when he got mad, an I have al- 
ways preserved it to remember him, ef nothin 
else." 

I got to Washinton all safe, an went direct to 
the White House. The feller who tends the door 
didn't know me at first ; but when he saw my 
hickery he began to open his eyes, I tell you. Ses 
he, " You are Majer Downing, I believe," bowin 
like and scrapen his feet, as ef he thought I 
keered for that. Ses I, " Yes, I'm Majer Jack 
Downing, an you jest tell the President, about as 
quick as time will let you, that I'm here." So he 
run up-stairs, an I went after him, stoppin in the 
room where the offis-seekers have to wait, to 
take a good look down the Potomack to see ef 
things looked nateral. I hadn't stood there more 
than a minit when who should cum up behind me 
but Linkin himself* He caught, rite hold of my 
hand, an ses he, " Majer, how are you ? I'm 
tickled to deth to see you ;" an he kept shaken my 
hand as ef he thought it was made of letlier. Ses 
I, " Kernel, do you want me to help write your 
messige ?" Ses he, " Of course I do, Majer." 
" Wal, then," ses I, " please don't shake that hand 



230 LETTERS OP 

eny more, for you've pretty nigh mashed it now." 
" Wal," ses he, " Majer, I couldn't help it, for it 
seems as ef Providence sent you jest in the nick 
of time." Ses I, « How is that ?" « Wal," ses 
he, " the Cabynet is in session, an I've just fin- 
ished tellin them one of Ar tenuis Ward's best 
stories, an got 'em all into a good humor. The 
messige is the very thing they met to discuss, an 
you're cum rite in the nick of time," hittin me, 
as he spoke, a slap on the back that made the 
cold chills run over me. 

Nothin would do but I must go in and hear the 
discusshin. So I walked in as large as life. I 
knew 'em all, an they all knew me. They pre- 
tended to be rale glad to see me, perticularly 
Stantin ; but he needn't try to dececve me, for un- 
der them spectacles of his I see a pair of hyena 
eyes. I tell you that that man will bear watchin. 
However, I sed nothin; but after the how-do- 
doos were over, I laid my old hickery on the table, 
took out my pipe, an went to smokin. The Ker- 
nel then called the meetin to order, an sed he 
wanted a short ackount of each department, so 
he could fix up his messige, an he also wanted the 
opinion of each one as to what he thought ought 
to be done with the southern States after the re- 
bellyon is crushed. Fust, he called upon Seward. 

Wal, Seward said that furrin affairs were all 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 231 

rite ; that he had offered to carry out the policy 
of England all over the country, an set up a 
monarchy, ef necessary, to put clown the Dimmy- 
crats, an that upon his faithfully promising to do 
this, the British Government at once seized the 
rebil rams. That as for the southern States, he 
thought the best thing that could be done with 
them, for the good of the country an the grate 
cause of humanity, was to turn 'em all into one 
big plantation an make Thurlow Weed Chief 
Manager. 

Then Chase spoke. He sed the finances were in 
a flourishing condishin. He now had five hundred 
printin presses to work makin money ; that the 
debt warn't only §5,000,000,000,000; that every 
body was gettin rich, an that the way to treat 
the southern States an save the country was just 
this: Issue a Proclamashin that only jest enough 
cotton should be raised for him to print green- 
backs on, an then he could control the currency 
in >?pite of all the copperhead gold speculaters in 
creashin. 

Stantin sed that his department was all right. 
That he had got rid of all the coppcrhed ginrals, 
and had left the track clear for the next President 
to be a genuine Abelishinist. That all that was 
necessa»-y now was to keep the war up till after 
the next Presidential elecshin, and he thought he 



232 LETTERS OF 

could do it. As for the southern States, he was 
for givin the niggers the plantations and makin 
the whites their slaves. 

Then old grandfather Welles got up, strokin 
his long white beard. He sed that nothin could 
save the nashin but gunboats ; that he was build- 
in one a day now, except on the Sabbath, which 
he piously devoted to prayin an fastin, and to di- 
vidin the contracks among his relashins. He 
thought the South ought to be surrounded with a 
wall of gunboats from Texas to Maryland. 

The next one that spoke was Blair. He said he 
hadn't stopped a single paper durin' the hull year, 
an he was only sorry that he ever did ; that he 
had only given the papers he stopped more circu- 
lashin than they ever had before ; that no one 
would ever catch him into another such a scrape. 
As for the southern States, he was down on all 
the Radikels. He sed they might be allowed to 
cum back jest as they wanted to. 

When it cum Daddy Bates' turn, he was fast 
asleep. When Linkin told him what he wanted, he 
sed it warn't for him to say what should be done 
with the Southern States. Alter it was decided 
what to do with 'cm, he supposed they would want 
a legal opinion on the subject, an he could give 
one on either side, he didmt care which. 

After they had ail got thru, Linkin turned to 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 233 

me, an ses he, " Majer, what do you think about 
this matter?" I knocked the ashes out of my 
pipe, and ses I, " Wal, I don't like to give an 
opinion on the jump, for I hain't had time yet to see 
exactly how the land lays here ; but," ses I, " as near 
as I understand it, all these men here are tryin to 
catch the South first, and then what to do with 
her afterwards is another question. Now, the 
South seems to be a good deal like old Sam Oclum, 
up in Maine, when he thought the devil was after 
him. One night he got to dreaming, and jumped 
out of bed in his shirt, and ran like all possessed 
down the street. About a half a dozen neighbors 
chased him until he run up a tree, out of which 
they couldn't get him anyhow. He kept a 
screaming " the devils are after me," and would 
fite like a tiger if any one tried to get at him. 
Finally, old Deacon Peabody cum along, and ses 
he, 66 Sam thinks you fellers are the devils that 
are goin to ruin him ; you jist go away and let 
him alone, and Sam will be hum and in bed afore 
morning." They tuk his advice, and sure enough, 
so it was. 

When I seel this, Stantin, who is quick as a flash, 
jumped up, an ses he, " Major, do you mean to say 
that we are devils tryin to catcli the South ?" an 
he walked rite close up to my face, jest as if he 
thought he could bully me down, Ses I, "Mr. 



234 LETTERS OF 

Secketery, if you will stand back about six inches, 
you kin see an hear jest as well." He stepped 
back a little, an I picked up my old hickery, an 
ses I, " Stantin, do you recollect the time down to 
Fort Munroe when you tried to get on the Presi- 
dent's trowsers ?" I never see a feller wilt so as 
when I sed this. He turned all sorts of colors, 
an wriggled as if he had a pin stickin in him. 
" Now," ses I, " I didn't say that you were devils, 
or anything of the sort, but it seems putty cer- 
tain that Mr. Stantin feels the shoe pinchin. At 
all events," ses I, " you ain't caught the South 
yet, an consultin what you will do with her before 
that is like countin chickens before they are 
hatched." 

The Kernel then sed that the session was closed, 
an after they all axed me to cum an see 'em, ex- 
cept Stantin, they went away. I think my story 
about Sam Odum sot putty strong on 'em, an ef 
they feel like takin it to hum let 'em do so, for my 
rale rite down solemn opinion is, ef these ere 
Abolishin Cabynet were to stop trying to catch the 
South, she would be hum an in the Union bed afore 

mornin. 

Yourn, till deth, 

Majer Jaok Downing, 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 235 



LETTER XXVIII. 

Tlie Major and the "Kernel" at work on the Message — TJie Major 
visits Mr. Chase again — Sees the Machines for Printing Green- 
backs — A Machine for every General — The accounts mixed up 
Mr. Lincoln gets Flighty over them — Jhe Major Puts him to 
bed, and applies a mustard-plaster — He Revives, and proposes 
a Conundrum — Hie Major also proposes one. 

Washington, Nov. 19th, 1863. 
To the Editers of the Dabook ; 

Surs: — If I ain't been bizzy sence I writ you 
last, then never a man was. Besides, I've had a 
considerabul twinge of my old inemy, the rheuma- 
tiz. This ere Washington atmosfere is terribul on 
the constitushin. The Kernel, too, was nigh about 
down sick one day ; but we both tuk a good, old- 
fashioned wiskey-sling, of the very best Old Rye, 
and went to bed on it. The next mornin we bot! 
felt fust rate. The Kernel keeps as good wiskey 
as I ever got enywhcre. We have been very hard 
at work on the mcssige, and such a time as wc 
have had of it you never did see. Stantin don't 
know how meny sojers he has got in the held, nor 
how meny have been killed or wounded. Grand- 
lather Welles can't tell how meny gunbotes he's 



236 LETTERS OF 

got, an as for Chase, he don't pur tend to even 
guess for a certainty how many greenbacks there 
are aflote, or how big the public debt is. The Ker- 
nel scd he couldn't even lay the foundashin timbers 
of his messige until he had some figgers about the 
debt to begin on. So I told him I would go over 
an see Chase an have a talk with him. I tuk my 
slate under my arm an started. Soon as I went in 
Chase tuk me by the hand an sed he was rale 
down rite glad to see me. I telled him what I 
wanted, an he sed he -would soon have it reddy for 
me, but jest then he asked me to go up-stairs an 
see the macheenery an printin presses, and so on, 
that he had got to make money. He sed the worst 
of it was that the machenes was constantly gettin 
out of order, and he wanted to know if I under- 
stood anything about sich affairs. I telled him 
there warnt nothing, from squirrel-trnps to dog- 
churns and thrashing macheenes, that I didn't 
know from stem to starn. Then he sed I was jest 
the chap he wanted. So I went with him, and I 
was perfectly thunderstruck when I saw all the 
riggin, and fixins, and belts, and shafts, and pul- 
leys, and machenes all a runnin and whizzin and 
buzzin, as fast as they could go. Ses the Sccke- 
tary, " This here macheen runs to pay oil Gineral 
Grant's troops. This one runs to payoff Gineral 
Meade's troops. This one runs for Gineral Banks. 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 237 

This one is now bizzy for Gineral Burnsidc, and 
here is this ere one completely broken down. It 
is Gineral Gilmore's macheen !" "Wal," ses I, 
" Mr. Sccketary, do you have a macheen for every 
Gineral and every army?" "Yes," ses he, 
" about that." " Wal," ses 1, "what do you do 
about the contracters?" "Oh," ses he, "I ain't 
showed you them yet. That's in another room." Ses 
he, " Come along with me." So I follered, and we 
went off into another room. It was nigh about ten 
times as big as the first one,, and there were hun- 
dreds of presses runuin' as fast as they could go. 
"There," ses he, "if these here machenes were to 
stop one day, it would set all Wall street into a 
panic. Sometimes, when the belts give out or the 
bolts break, or the coal gits short, or paper 
don't git in in time, there is a good deal of trou- 
bil, but I've got it so fixed now that I keep 'em 
putty well supplied." Ses I, " Mr. Sccketary, who 
is your engineer?" < Wal," ses he, "he's a good 
trusty man." "But," ses I, "suppose he should 
bust your bilers, what would Wall street do then ?"' 
" W^al," ses he, " I never thought of that, but I 
guess there ain't eny danger." "Wal," ses I, 
" steam is mighty onsartin. Old Aunt Kcziah 
Wigglcton, up in Maine, used to say that the only 
safe way to run a steamboat was to take the bilers 
out, and my opinion is, that a government run by 



238 LETTERS OF 

steam will bust up one of these days." Chase 
didn't seem to like this last remark much, but he 
didn't say enything. We cum down stairs putty 
soon after, and a feller with a brown linen coat 
)n, nigh about all over ink, brought a hull lot of 
papers covered over with figgers, and sed that Mr. 
Linkin could find out all he wanted to from them. 
I looked 'em over, but I couldn't make lied nor 
tail' to them. " Wal," ses I, " perhaps a chap who 
understands dubble and twisted entry book-keepin' 
can ondcrstand this ere figgering, but I'll be 
hanged if I kin." Ses I, " Here's seven thirty.s, 
and five twentys, and six per cents, and five per 
cents, and bonds and stocks and sartificates, and 
5 G8s, and '78s, and '96s, and 158s, and Lord knows 
how many more 8s, until it gets all mixed up 
so that you can't tell enything more about the debt 
than Stantin kin tell how sojers has been killed 
and wounded. Now," ses I, " the people don't 
care a straw enything about your six twentys, or 
your five twentys. All they want to know is jest 
how much money this ere war has cost, and that is 
what I'me tryin' to figger out for em. When old 
Ginneral Jackson wanted me to go into Squire's 
Biddle's Bank and cifer out how matters stood I 
soon did it, but that warn't eny more comparin to 
this here affair, than the bunch of elder bushes in 
Deacon Jenkins's meadow is to the Dismal Swamp. 



MAJOl" JACK DOWNING. 239 

I tuk the papers, however, over to Linkin, for it 
was the best I could do. Wen I handed them to 
the Kernel, ses he, " Major, does Chase expect me 
to survive after studyin out these figgers?" 
"Wal," ses I, ''Kernel, I don't know, but I think 
Chase wants to be next President." 

The Kernel tuk the hint rite off; but he sed 
Chase would never be President, for he wanted to 
be so bad that he acted all the time as if a bum- 
ble bee was stingin him, and that his flyin round 
so would kill him off, if no thin else. We then 
both sot down and went to studyin the figgers. 
I cifered with my slate, and the Kernel made 
chalk marks on his hat every time we got up to a 
million of dollars. Purty soon the Kernel's eyes 
began to look wild, and ses he, " Major, where do 
we land next ? Is she hedin up stream or side- 
ways ? She'll go down, sure as thunder. Well, 
let her rip ; she's been a sinkin consarn for years." 
I see at once that the Kernel was flighty. Chase's 
figgers had turned his hed, and he thought he was 
flat-botin agin on the Mississippi river. But he 
kept on ravin. Ses he, «' Majer, knock that nig- 
ger off the bow of the bote ; he's rite in the way 
of the pilot." Ses I, " Kernel, it ain't safe to hit 
a nigger in these days ; Stanton will put me in 
Fort La Fayette." I thought this might bring 
the Kernel to his senses, but it didn't. Ses he, 



240 LETTERS OF 

" There it goes, Majer, jest as I told you, rite on that 
snag. That nigger is to blame for the hull of it." 
I see it was no use, that the Kernel was nigh 
about stark mad, and so I said to him, ses I, 
" Let's put up this work to-night, an go to bed." 
He didn't want to, but I dragged him off, an he 
kept ravin' all the time, " That nigger has ruined 
me! There he comes — he is after me yet!" 

As soon as I got the Kernel in bed, I put a 
double set of mustard plasters on his feet, an then 
gave him a strong dose of my old remedy, elder- 
bark tea. I knew that would cure him, if any- 
thing on arth. Purty soon the sweat began to 
start, and the gripin in the bowels began. Jest 
as soon as this took place, it clrawed all the dis- 
ease out of his head, an the next mornin he was as 
bright as new dimes used to be when there was 
sich things. 

The fust thing the Kernel seel to be in the 
mornin was, ses he, " Majer, I hed an awful dream 
last nite." Ses I, " What was it ?" " Wal," ses 
he, "I dreamt that the nigger had destroyed the 
Union." " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, you git nearer 
the truth in your dreams than you ginrally do 
when you are wide awake. If you will only have 
another dream, you will see the Abolishinists have 
killed the Union, and that the poor nigger is only 
the means that they have used to do it." 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 241 

The Kernel didn't say nothin, I mt looked down 
on the floor an whistled. Finally, he tnk out of 
his pocket one of Chase's new fifty-rent shinplas- 
ters, an ses he, " Major, kin you tell me why this 
new currency has the odor of nashinality about 
it?" "No," ses I, "Kernel, I don't see it." 
" Wal," ses he, "because it is cented paper!" 
" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, now kin you tell ine why 
that fifty-cent shinplaster is like the war ?" Ses 
he, " Majer, you've got me there." "Wal," ses 
1, " the lace is black, which means that we are 
fightin to free the nigger, and the back is red — or 
the blood — the price we are pay in for it !" 

When I sed this the Kernel brought his hand 
down on the tabil like ali possessed, giv a kick 
with his foot that sent his slipper fly in clear across 

the room, an ses he, " Majer, by the ." 

Ses I, " Kernel, hold on. Do you want to take any 
more elder-bark tea ?" When I sed this he tap- 
ered rite down, an ses he, jest as good as pie, 
" Let's have some old rye and make fronds. 

So I didn't object, but the messige ain't finished 

yet, and the Lord only knows when it will be 

dun. 

Yourn till deth, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



11 



242 LETTERS OP 



LETTER XXIX. 

Tlie Trouble about the Message — OJiase and Seward Find Fault 
with it — The Story of Old Deacon Grimes" Oven — Mr. Lin- 
coln Overrun with Visitors — '/ he Major Suggests a Way to 
Get Rid of Them — The Small Pox Dodge — The Message Fin- 
ished — Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story. 

Washington, Dec. 10, 1863. 
To the Editers of the Babook ; 

Surs : — Wen I writ you last, the Messige warn't 
finished. Wal, sich a time as we had in iinishin 
that docyment you never did see. The Kernel 
an I set up all nite long three or fore nites, but 
it was nigh about onpossibul to get it to suit him. 
He would get it fixed, an then Seward would 
cum in an say it was too bold. Then Chase he'd 
cum in an say it warn't bold enui* ; and finally I 
telled him to make it as old Duacon Grimes did 
his oven. He wanted to know how that was. 
Wal, I telled him it was this way : The Deacon 
built an oven facin to the North, wen one of his 
nabors cum along an sed that would never do, as 
the North wind would blow rite into the mouth of 
the oven. So the old man turned it around, an 
put the face to the South. Pretty soon another 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 243 

nabor cum along, an scs he, " Deacon, it will never 
do to have that oven face the South, for there ain't 
any wind so blustering as the South wind." So 
the Deacon turned it around to the West. Pret- 
ty soon a man cum along, an ses he, " Deacon, 
don't you know that the worst showers and hurry- 
canes we have always cum from tlie West ? It 
will never do to face your oven that way." So 
the Deacon determined to change it around to the 
East. He hadn't more than got it dun, before 
another nabur cum along, an ses he, Si Why, Dea- 
con Grimes, I'm perfectly astonished to see you 
buildin an oven an facin it to the East. There 
ain't any wind so sarchin and penetratin as the 
East wind, an it will blow your fire all out of the 
oven." " Wal," ses the old Deacon, perfectly 
discurriged, Ci I'll suit you all ; I'll build my 
oven on a pivot, an wen you cum along you kin 
turn it around jest as you want it." "Now," 
ses I, " Kernel, that's the way to fix your Mes- 
sige." Ses he, " That is a fact ; the only trubbil 
is to fix on a pivot on which it kin turn." « Wal," 
ses I, « that is the easiest thing in the world. Take 
the nigger for the pivot, an it will suit every 
man in your party. The only difference between 
'cm is, that some don't like to look hin square in 
the face. That sort kin turn your Mcssige around 
a little, an then they will see the nigger side- 



•244 LETTERS OF 

ways; and those that can't stand that kin turn it 
clear around, an then they will see the nigger in 
the back, but it will be nigger all the time !" 
The Kernel sed it was a capital idee, an he ment 
to carry it out. It got noised around that the 
Kernel was comin out with some big thing in his 
Messige, an every Congressman, wen he got to 
Washinton, run rite to the White House to give 
the Kernel advice. They nigh about run him 
to deth. " Wal," ses I, " Kernel, make be- 
lieve you're sick." " Sho," ses he, "that won't 
do a bit of good. I've tried it often, an they 
bore me wus than ever." "Wal," ses I, "tell 
'em you've got the scarlet fever, an that will 
scare 'em away." The Kernel sed it was a fust- 
rate idee, an so it was announced in all the papers 
that the President had the scarlet fever ; but i' 
didn't do much good. Sum staid away, but the 
crowd yet was tremenjus. " Now," ses I, " Ker- 
nel, this is too bad ; here it is almost time for 
Congress to meet, and no Messige dun yet. Jest 
let the reporters announce that you've got the 
small-pox, an there won't be a mother's son of 'em 
cum within gunshot of you. Then you kin fh 
your Messige, put in that patent pivot, and grease 
things up generally, so they'll run another year 
without teching." The Kernel sed there was no 
other way than to do it. When it got out that 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 245 

the Kernel had the small-pox, you never see sech 
a calm. The White House was nigh about de- 
serted, an it seemed like a Sunday up in Maine. 
The Kernel then set rite down to his Messige, an 
worked like a bcever. He sed he could allers 
soon put a thing in shape after the foundashin 
timbers w T ere laid. And so he did. Wen he got 
it finished, he called Seward and red it to him. 
He sed it was capital. Then he sent for Chase, 
an he sed it was all rite. « No," ses I, " Kernel, 
send for a War Dimmycrat, an see how T he'll like 
it." Wen I sed this, the Kernel laffed rite out. 
Ses he, " Majer, you're jokin ; I know you are." 
Ses he, " The War Dimmycrats remind we of a 
story about bar-huntin out West. Old Josh 
Muggin had a young dog wich was very fierce 
for bars. So one day he tuk him along in a hunt. 
In the very first fite the bar bit the dog's tail off, 
and away he run yelpin an barkin like mad, an 
Josh could never get his dog to fite bars after 
that. Now, it is jest so with the War Dimmy- 
crats. They were very fierce to fite me if I issued 
my Emancipashin Proclamashin, but I did it, an 
by so doin, I cut their tails off, and they have never 
showed any fite agin me sence, an they won't. No 
— I rally wish I hadn't eny more trubbil on hand 
than the War Dimmycrats will give me." 

Ses 1, " Kernel, 1 think you are rather hard or 



•246 LETTERS OF 

the War Dimmycrats. They supported you be- 
cause they thought you was tryin to restore the 
Union ; but now, wen they readyour messige and 
see that you won't have the Union back enyhow, 
they will say you deceived 'cm, and you may find 
: em the most trubbelsum customers you've yet had 
to deal with. They ment to sustain the govern- 
ment, but now wen they see that you won't sustain 
it, they may turn on you wus than the copperheds 
lave ;" and ses I, " Kernel, you jist get the Dim- 
mycrat's united, and I shudn't wonder if they 
wud be after this, and then let all your Miss-Nan- 
cy Abolishinists look out, for there won't be as 
much left of em as there was of Bill Peeler's dog 
after his panther fite." Ses the Kernel, ses he, 
" How much was that ?" " Wal," ses I, " .Bill al- 
ways sed there warn't nothin left but the collar 
he hed round his neck, and the .tip eend of his 
tale, about an inch long." " Wal," ses the Ker- 
nel, "I've got to go ahedj no matter who don't 
like it, or who ffits licked in the fite. I'me in the 
Abolishin bote, and you can't stop it now eny more 
than you kin put Lake Superior in a quart bottle." 
Ses I, " Go ahed, Kernel ; I allers like to see a 
nan bold and strong on his own principles. 
There's nothin like pluck. Let everybody know 
jist what you mean, and then if they support you 
it is their own fault," " Wal," ses he, "ain't I 



MAJOR jack downing;. 247 



plain enuf this time ?" " Yes," ses I, " Kernel, 
all but the amnesty part — that's kinder petty- 
fogy." " Wal," ses he, " Majer, men that can't 
see a hole through a ladder ought to be hum- 
bugged." Ses I, " Mebby that's so, but we shall 
all know more about who is humbuo^ed and who 
isn't, after the war is over." 

But I never did see people so tickled over the 
Messige as the Republikins all are. They say it 
is jest the thing — that it is goin to wipe out 
slavery, and prevent the " Union as it was" ever 
being restored ; and then it is dun so cutely that 
a good menny people won't see through it. That 
amnesty dodge throws dust in their eyes, and 
kinder sounds generous like. 

There's a great fite coming off among the Abo- 
lishinists about who's to be run for next Presi- 
dent, and I think I'll hev some news for you afore 
long. Enyhow, I shall keep my eyes open as 

ushil. 

Yourn, till deth, 

Majer Jack Downing. 



248 LETTERS OF 



LETTER XXX. 

The Major visits Parson Blair — The Loyal Leagues of the White 
House — A Wonderful Dream — The Grave of the Union — The 
President Don't Like It — About Leather — How the Capital 
Looks. 

Washinton, Jan. 30, 1864. 
To the Editers of the Dabook : 

Surs : — I spose your readers think I'm dead, or 
mebby they think I've run away with a pile of 
greenbacks, as that is kinder fashionabul now- 
a-days ; but I aint in neithur fix. The rale truth 
is that after I writ you my last letter I got com- 
pletely disgusted and cum mitey nigh goin back 
hum to Downingville, and vowin 1 Avould never 
return to this sink of sin agin. But the Kernel 
got at me and begged I wouldn't think of it. I 
telled him I couldn't stay in the White House 
over New Years, and see the knaves and fools that 
would be there then. So jest before Christmas, 
as good luck happened, old Fathur Blair axed me 
to go down to his place at Silvur Springs and 
stay ovur the hollidays. I tell you I was rale glad, 
fur the old man has got a fine place, and I could 
have it so quiet and cozy there aftur my hard work 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 249 

ovur the message. When I got there I was tuk 
down with the rumatiz, and had to keep my room 
for more than two weeks. Howevur, the Kernel 
sent me some prime old rye, and that, together 
with some operdildock that old Aunt Keziah Wig- 
gleton sent to me by my nefu Zeke put me on my 
pins agin. Old Father Blair and I had long 
talks about Ginneral Jackson and the Kernel, the 
war, niggers, the next presidency, and so on. M} 
old friend Blair was a grate man in Ginneral 
Jackson's time, but the trubbel with him now is 
that he don't move along with the world. He 
actually thinks, that he is yet fitin Calhoun, an 
havin got in the bote with the Abolishenists, he 
don't know how to get out. Last week I cum 
back to see the Kernel, and have been looking 
around for a few days to see how the land lay. I 
find that the principel idee in everybody's hed is, 
who's to be the next President. But I tell you 
when I look at the condishun of the country, it 
makes me sick to talk about a President. What 
is the use of a President when there's a standin 
army ? What is the use of a President when the 
ballot-box aint of half so much account as the 
cartridge-box? The first day I got back to the 
White House there was a lot of Loyel Legers 
and shoddy contractors cum to tell the Kernel 
that they had nominated him for President. 
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250 LETTERS 01 

After they went out Linkin ses to me, ses he, 
" Majer, what do you think of them fellows ?" 
" Wal," ses I, " they look to me mean enough to 
steal niggers." The Kernel did not say anything, 
but looked kinder cross-eyed at me. The Kernel 
and I then had a long talk about matters and 
things, and after taking a good swig of old rye, 
went to bed. That nite I had a wonderful dream. 
The next mornin, when I went in the room where 
the Kernel was, ses he, " Majer, you look oncoin- 
mon serious this mornin ; what's the matter ?" 
" Wal," ses I, " I had a wonderful dream last nite, 
that eenamost frightened me to deth." "Wal," ses 
he, "what on earth was it?" " Wal," ses I, " if 
I tell you the hull of it jest as it appeared to me, 
youmusn't get mad." " Oh," ses the Kernel, " I 
don't keer notbin about dreams, for I allers inter- 
pret them by contraries." " Wal," ses I, " you 
can cypher out the meanin of it yourself to suit 
yourself, but I'll tell it to you jest as it ap- 
peared to me, and it seemed to me as plain as if 
it was broad daylight." "Wal," ses I, "I 
thought I was in the grave-yard, and there was a 
great big grave dug, large enough to hold four or 
five coffins, and while I was standing there won- 
derin what on earth the grave was for, I saw a 
big black hearse comin, and Stantin was driving it. 
That kinder startled me ; but I looked agin, and I 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 251 

see it was bein drawn by them War Dimmycrats, 
Dickinson, Butler, Meagher, Cochrane, and the 
hearse itself was marked i War Dinimycracy.' 
When Stantin druv up to the grave, ses he, 6 My jack- 
asses had a heavy load, but they pulled it through 
bravely,' for the poor War Dimmycrats had heads 
of men on the bodies of mules. I wondered what on 
airth could be in the hearse, for it seemed to be heav- 
ily loaded. Right behind the hearse, walkin along, 
were you and Sumner, and Greeley, and Chase, 
and Beecher, and old Grandfather Welles. Pretty 
soon you all went to work takin out the coffins, 
and gettin ready to put thein in the grave. The 
first one tuk out was marked ( habeas corpus,' the 
second one < trial by jury,' then < the Union,' and 
then 6 the Constitution.' When they were all 
out on the ground, some dispute riz as to which 
should be' buried first, but Greeley cut it short by 
saym, 6 put the Constitution under, and all else fol- 
lows.' So Greeley got the rope under one end of 
the coffin and Sumner under tho other, and be- 
gun to let it down. While it was goin down, you 
looked kinder anxious at Chase, and ses you, 
'Chase, think it will stay down?' And old 
Greenbacks, ses he, ' My God, Kernel, it must stay 
down, or we will all go up. 9 Greeley was tickled 
eenamost to death, and ses he, < We shall bury it 
now so that it shall never be heerd of agin. 5 Old 



252 LETTERS OF 

Grandfather Welles, however, seemed half fright- 
ened to deth, and trembled like a sick dog, and 
ses, ' Oh ! that it was all over.' Sumner was wrathy 
at this, and ses he, "Shut up, you old fool ; wait 
until it is all under. 5 And there, too, stood 
Beecher, with a nigger baby in his arms, lookin 
up to heaven and prayin all the while, as follows : 
'Oh! Lord, not thy will but mine be done.' Fi- 
nally, all the coffins were put in the grave and 
covered up. I wondered where Seward could be 
all this time, and lookin up, there he was, flyin 
through the air with wings, and tails, and horns, - 
lookin for all the world like an evil spirit, and ses 
he, " If 'twere done, when it is done,' just as if he 
was afraid that a day of resurrection was comin. 
I tell } r ou, it made me feel sorrowful and sad. 
when I saw the old Constitution and the Union 
put under the ground, out of sight, and when I 
woke up, my eyes were full of tears, and I felt 
more like cryin than I have sence I was born." 

After I got thiu, ses I, ;< Kernel, what do you 
think of my dream ?" He looked down on the 
floor, and then looked up, then he looked 
down agin and then he looked up. I see he 
was kinder worried, so I said nothin. Finally, 
he kicked his slipper oif, and ses he, " Majer, do i 
you know what good lether is ?" " Wal," ses I, 



MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 253 

" Kernel, I used to know something about lether." 
" Wal," ses he, " what do you think of the lether 
in that slipper. Is it good?" " Yes," ses I, " I 
think it's pretty good." " Wal," ses he, " what 
kind is it?" Ses I, "It's calf-skin." « Wal," 
ses he, " kin you tell me whether the calf loas a 
heifer or a steer '/" "No," ses I, " I can't." " Wal," 
ses he, " I'm in jist the same fix about your dream. 
It is a good dream, but I can't tell whether it's 
a heifer or a steer. But I ruther reckon it's a 
steer /" 

" Wal," ses I, " Kernel, you may think that 
my dream don't amount to any thin, but there are 
thousands of people who will see in it the fate of 
their country." 

He didn't seem disposed to talk about it, how- 
ever, and I let it drop. Since then I've been over 
to the Capitol once or twice, and looked around 
Washington a leetle. I never sec such a change 
in a place since I was born. It's dirtier, nastier, 
and meaner lookin than ever. In fact, it is just 
like the country, all goin to ruin. If the devil 
is ever happy, I think he would be nigh about 
tickled to deth now-a-clays. I guess everything 
is goin on to suit him to a fracshin. I kin tell 
you one thing. There is goin to be a bigger fite 
between Linkin and Chase for President than most 



254 LETTERS OF MAJOR JACK DOWNING. 

pepil suppose. So look out for the niusick ahed. 
I shall keep a watch on all the doins, and write 
you when the rumatiz, like the greenback market, 
aint too stringent. 

Majer Jack Downing. 



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